Another wife hit by the bomb #3

[Tawnya]

LOL..thanks for checking on me {{{Amy}}}, {{{LE}}}, and {{{MC}}} and {{{james}}} I really appreciate that more than you guys could possibly know!

OK..I'll try to keep my long story as short as possible (LOL..tho you know me)

So..Wednesday was our 20th anniversary..the 12th..I had checked with hub on Monday to make sure he still wanted to do something and that I would like to go see Fireproof, but told him to check it out online and no big if he didn't want to go..over the weekend I went out and bought this pretty dress (I haven't dressed up in a while and figured it would be good for our dinner and then I can wear it to church too).

Wed morning I self talk myself about not expecting a card or anything, but was honest enough with myself saying 'I know I will be disappointed but I'm ok"..so I didn't get a card or anything, but I pretty much honestly figured it would be that way, hub probably figured doing something with me in light of the sitch was enough, I dunno..anyway...

So Wed I get home from work and change into my dress, hub comes in and is like "well I guess I'm underdressed" and goes and changes. Of course he never said I looked good, bad, or indifferent..LOL. So we went to Olive Garden, one of my favs, and at first just talk about stuff, work stuff, etc..and then we get into relationship talk, I know I know..but on your anniversary it's probably bound to happen LOL. He pretty much says the same stuff, and I tell him my same stuff about that I'm getting stronger, but at the same time standing for my marriage, tell him that it's tough to be standing here alone, but that I have to do it..he says I shouldn't..but I say I can't tell you how to feel and you can't do the same for me..

Someone said in another thread I wish I could tape record the convo cause you forget so much..and that is very true.

Hub did say a few things to me that were pretty hurtful, tho at the time I didn't dwell on them..I've said to him many times during this that if I could go back and tell my younger self to let go of so much stupid expectations and just be a wife to the guy who loved you so much, I would. HE said, "If I could go back, I would tell the guy not to do it, at least not as young as we were, maybe it wasn't the right person, etc"..ouch..that hurt

The other thing he said was that he didn't know whether this OW was the right person, whether I was, or whether anyone else was. HE said, about me, "maybe I need to find out if I'm losing a good thing"..that one kinda tweaked me more than hurt..LOL..as if I've got nothing better to do than sit around waiting for him to figure out what he should already know. Actually, I said, "shouldn't you already know you are?"..

Anyway..then we went back to more fluffy convo after some of our other convo and then he said "I never did check what that movie was about" and so I said, "well first off it's got Kirk Cameron in it" and he knows from the Left Behind movies and stuff what kind of movies they are..so he's like "ugh" and then I said "it's about marriage and stuff" and I even gave him the option at that point about 3 times to not go and he's like "I told you I would go, so I'll go, but I don't want to hear anything or expectations" and I was like "nope"..

So we went and he was a jerk thru most of the movie, he liked some of it, but afterwards he was like "I should have seen that coming and I won't be sucked into something like that again" and I was like "look, you knew exactly what it was going to be, no hiding it on my part" and then we really didn't talk on the way home for a bit. Then, (this was my bad LOL) he played these 2 songs, the first one I ignored, but was like UGH something about sometimes goodbye means a second chance and then jailbreak, while jailbreak was on I was like "don't worry, we'll be home soon and you can break out" and he was like "don't start with me" and then he got into "Looking back I can see that you've been doing that Love Dare with me the past few weeks" and I was like "yeah..if I was going to hide it I wouldn't have taken you"..and I said "it was not manipulative or anything like that and that you should be thankful, if nothing else, that someone loves you enough to stand here no matter how many times I'm rejected"..and he said "I never said it was manipulative"

And then..he got angry..not exactly sure if it was conviction or what..not like ugly angry to me..but he pulled into our driveway and said "I just need to go drive around for a while" and I was like "ok..thank you for dinner and going to the movie" and he said "yep" and drove off in a huff. He wasn't gone long and then came back and I could hear him kinda slamming stuff around (nothing major, I could just tell he was tweaked), but thankfully I felt really peaceful during all of this and just decided I was going to bed..LOL..

I wanted him to see the movie, see where I stood, hear the words on the screen whether they penetrated his heart at that point or not, and I was thankful that he went and didn't get up and leave halfway thru LOL..

Yesterday I laid low and didn't talk to him at all, by the time he got home I was in our room watching TV, daughter came in and we chatted about her stuff for a bit, and then it was 11:30 and I went to bed

Anyway..there is my long synopsis of my 20th anniversary Thanks for sticking thru it LOL!

Tawnya