Thanks, all....FIL will be having some procedure done in Dec. where they put a device in his arm that releases some kind of drug that blocks the testosterone in his body. It keeps the testosterone from feeding the cancer.
We had fun together at the book fair last night, Dan, the kids, and I.
However he was back on the couch as he has been for the seventh night in a row...ever since he got back from California last Friday. He spent the entire night in his clothes,I came out this morning when his alarm went off in our room and he was wearing his golf shirt and jeans from yesterday...
He is so wound up he is going to pop soon. I asked him what was wrong, he said he had gotten 16 hours of sleep in the past 5 days....I said something about the couch not being comfortable he said he didnt' sleep at all the night he came into our room (B.S. by the way, I am sure he slept some...but oh well).
I just said it must suck not to get any sleep and what was he thinking about all the hours he was awake? He said, "I don't know and I don't want to talk about it when I have been awake all night". I just said okay, hope you can figure out what is bothering you and let me know if there is anything I can do."
It is really sinking in "finally" that his problems are HIS problems. I KNOW I haven't done anything 'wrong' here, I love my husband and want to be his lover and friend and helper. And if he has a problem with that, those are things I am not going to stop being to my husband, as long as he is my husband.
If things go south and I EVER get married again, I will take a long, hard look at whether the next guy can accept me as a loving, supportive friend who wants to be intimate (emotionally/spiritually, not just physically)with my husband....
So anyway I don't know if it is work, his mom's cancer, his dad's cancer, the economy, or my annoying habit of being nice to him
But whatever it is, I can't solve it. I had a special little prayer session with God this morning and I gave God my 'Dan project'. I told Him I can't save H, I can't fix H, and I needed to give him over to God b/c it is draining to try to do the impossible...
So my load is lighter this morning, even though I love H and always will, I cannot be his rescuer. It is up to him (and God) now. Of course it always was.........i just thought I could make it different.
