New Me - Will WAW ever notice?

[Kakatal]

As always, appreciate your insight Tim! Knew I would wake up & get my earful this morning!

Think of OM as a drug. She is addicted to him, he makes her feel special and loved. She is not going to give him up easily. You know everything you need to know, checking her history and having spy ware on your computer is going to do nothing but give you more heartache and cause you to back slide like you did last night. STOP SNOOPING!!!! It will only drive her into his arms quicker and prove that you will never trust her again.

Honestly I was trying to figure out how she had found & disabled the key logging software. Only reason I went into her profile to look. Figured it out but then curiosity got the best of me. Have learned in past ignorance is bliss when it comes to getting answers to questions you do not want answers to. Yes all it did was validate her fears that I will not trust her - gee I said that to her on the phone!

Your in competition with a dream, a fantasy and it is going to be difficult to break that. Your the better man, father and husband. You were showing her your good side, you need to keep showing her that side. By allowing her to use your PC and then checking up on her for using it showed her the lack of trust you have in her. Whether she was testing you or not does not matter at this point. Whether she is planning on going back to AK does not matter at this point.

What matters is how you act and how you respond to your W. You are not a fool or a failure for fighting for your M. You know what she has done, you know what she is planning on doing but you have not walked, you have not given up on your M and that makes you a very strong person not a fool.

Get up, dust yourself off and move forward from here. Get your PMA back and get back to work. EXPECT NOTHING FROM HER!!!! You are doing this for you and not her. You are doing this to make you a better person not to save your M. You are doing this to be a great father not to be her husband. Get this through your head.

This is the conclusion I came to after couple hours of dealing with my emotions & thinking things through. Lost sight of fact that w is divorcing me, that she is free to do what she wants, make her own decisions. I have a choice in how I react to those choices & just showed I have a ways to go in dealing with my own emotions.

Put yourself in her shoes about what you did and how you reacted and see how it comes off. I am not defending her or her actions but is what you did consistent with the person you want to be. Next time you find something, stop, wait 24 hours and then think about what you want to do. Get the emotions out of your reactions and once you can do that then you will know that you have detached from her.

Great advice on the 24hr rule. My mind is much clearer after processing everything & calming down. If I had it to do over I would put myself in her shoes & look at what she is doing from that perspective. Need to stay objective. Thanks!

Its going to take many, many months maybe even over a year to get her to feel connected to you again. Remember I said its a marathon not a sprint. Its going on two years for me since I started and you see where I am at. Do you have the fortitude to do that. I hope so because its not easy but the best things in life are the ones we have to work for.

You have the patience of a saint! How do you deal with heartache? Just wells up inside me. I actually came home from work last night & cried for 10 minutes just to release some of the anguish I had from missing my w. I know that played into my emotions when I reacted to what I found.

Ok I have put my 2x4 away. Nothing you can do about it now. Forget about it and move forward. You doing well, we all have back slides. The key is to learn from it and try and stop making them. I have faith in you that it will all work out for the best. You goal is to be friends with her and nothing else. So treat her like a friend and see where it goes from there. Friends trust each other and respect each others privacy. You are the bigger person and need to stay on the high road and come out of this with your head held high saying that you did everything possible and can move on knowing that you did your best. And that is all that anybody can ask of themselves.

Before I went to bed I sent a quick txt to w phone: "You are free to do what you want. I read into things too much. Sorry"

Had response from w "I have a lot to work on for me. Sorry if I disrespected you"

Thought about telling w that the way I have been treating her over past 2 weeks is how I plan on treating my w for the rest of her life. But that you have made a choice to leave the m so I cannot continue to be that way towards you - token gifts showing my appreciation, buying lunch/dinner, telling her how much I appreciate her, etc. Just realize doing so would be sort of punishment for her not dropping OM & wanting to come back - really serves no purpose.

So, just going to be myself this morning. Treat her no different from way I have been. W may want to discuss issues - she said she would come by 30 mins early this morning - up earlier than normal just to be ready. I plan to just hear her out, listen & validate. Nothing for me to say except to apologize for violating her trust but do ask that she respect me by not doing anything related to OM in my house. Will post later what happens.

Have mindset that she is not coming back - helps with dropping expectations & heartache. Just have to get back to focusing on myself & the kids. Put off painting my bedroom but taped it last night & will do that now on Sunday. Worked out last night & need to get back on track with that. Going to Vegas for couple days at Thanksgiving to visit a cousin & get a break from kids & w.