PM Thread #2

[PositivelyMommy]

I had a thread in Newcomers called 'I thought I had the perfect marriage'. It's about time to come out of the safety of that forum and move myself to Infidelity.

Thanks to all my friends who visited me, consoled me and encouraged me in the last few months. Especially big {{{hugs}}} to Tawnya, TxMom and Keysblew for your advice and open hearts. I hope I can keep up with my old friends and make new ones.

Story so far: Mid 07 found out abt H's infidelity thru STD, H claims ONS. Forgave and tried to move on. March 08 found out H is having A with co-worker, H said been going on for only two months. I am not so sure. H moved out April, trying to DB and detach and GAL. Thinking H is going thru MLC most likely and the 'grass is greener' symdrome. Weekly visits home but he is avoidant so no R talk. I did all the wrong things the first few months, cry, beg, threaten, chase, all to no avail. Now getting stronger and stopped all that behavior. Trying to find my true self and live that life I want to live. Have not give up hope 100% but know H is deep into A. Hoping one day he might just wake up to the havoc he has created and see the beautiful me, the one he fell in love with.

[JWM]

You are doing the right thing. It is important to take care of yourself. My wife out of the blue told me she did not love me anymore. It was hard to believe since we spent all of our time together with our daughter. She did'nt tell me that she was seeing two other guys. Kind of hard to blame me for a less than perfect marriage. My MC said it was not my fault.

I know your husband's problem was not your fault or the fault of your marriage. You are the mother of his children and I'm sure you have taken good care of him and your kids. He made his choices knowing it hurt you and the kids.

This is hard to say, but we both must move on.

[PositivelyMommy]

John,

Thanks so much for your understanding and your comments about moving on. That's what my best friend is saying also but I am finding it hard to move on without him. I am doing alot to improve myself, my inner core, my emotional wellbeing and my appearance. The result is that I am not in a panic anymore nor am I hinging all of my everyday decisions on him and what he would think anymore. But I just can't give up the idea that he won't be my H anymore. Is it too silly to have some hope? I am hoping that one day we could reconcile after the A burns out and his MLC settles down. I know it's a possibility that MLC may not be gone for a long time but I am sure that the height of the romance in A will eventually fade, as do ALL relationships.

I am sorry your wife was hurting you and seeing other people. I don't know if it's worse that she sees two rather than one 'love'. Glad you are seeing MC and that (s)he is supportive. I have not been perfect, I have had my moods but no one should be put thru this, least of all by someone who promised to honor, cherish and protect you.

[JWM]

I agree...seems like marriage vows don't mean much. I'm reading a book that was recommended by my MC. The name of the book is "Just Not Friends." It explains adultery from all perspectives. It is hard to read but has given me great insight into what is going on. My situation is new, but it has allowed me to be able to begin to detach.

[PositivelyMommy]

Is it called 'Just Not Friends' or 'Not Just Friends'? My MIL just recommended the author to me and I was reading about her on her internet website, it looks very interesting and has information about how work-related affairs get started.

[marriedCrazy]

Welcome to Infidelity. I've been following your sitch a little. We have great support here as well; plus we have a little fun.

TxMom is in here too.

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks MC. How's it going at your end?

[marriedCrazy]

Doing well today. Getting ready to take the kids to SIL's this weekend for nephew's 1st BD party. Going without the W; she has a "more important" BD party to go to for a GF that one for her sister's only child.

But I'm used to her behavior and have accepted it. No expectations.

[PositivelyMommy]

Sounds like you are doing really well with the detachment. I just read up on your sitch. Don't know about the mental issues but if she is not taking meds now and you notice a difference then maybe she really needs them to function normally.

Sometimes I think my situation is the worst but then I read what you all are going through and I don't know how you can be so strong despite all the extra heartache and extra problems. Having this BB group really grounds me and makes me thankful for every single blessing that I have.

MC, you sound like a great dad. The kids are lucky to have you.

Sometimes I think, maybe this is the opportunity to find someone who deserves my love. Do you think that? Maybe I can find a better dad for my kids, someone who really appreciate them for the great beings that they are. Someone who is willing to invest their heart and efforts into them. Am I being too stubborn for holding onto something that's rotten? Sometimes his problems seem insurmountable. I AM getting better and stronger and trying to be a better person. He is acting more irresponsible than ever. Is this a sign that I should be reconsidering everything. How do you know when you should just throw in the towel?

[JWM]

The book is "Not Just Friends." This book outlines exactly how infideliaty starts and that it happens to the best people and marriages.

I'm in the same frame of mind...why stay with someone that does not value what we had...a great life, financially secure, the american dream.