Knew things were too good to be true. W called me yesterday - I had told her she was welcome to use my computer during day if she wanted - was watching kids at house. W calls couple hours later asking why I was running keylogging software on my pc. Told her I had installed it long time back & just forgot about it. Said I would remove it when I got home. Uninstalled it last night as I had said I would.
Get home tonight & get on my pc. Look at profiles directory & notice W had used my pc - sucks being married to a computer tech! Look at her browser cache folder & she forgot to clear it. I view the files using a cache viewer program & see that she spent good 30 mins on different airfare websites trying to find cheapest fare to AK.
Call w. Ask her if she is planning on going to AK again. Said that I saw her browsing history & why is she trying to find a flight there. She says that she was testing me - didn't believe that I had removed the keylogging software. Told her I did that last night - I was viewing the cache from your browser. She said she didn't think about that - normally she clears it. Told her that I wasn't allowing her to use my PC to further her affair - felt violated for trusting her.
Asked her if she still talked to OM - she said she did but has no plans on going back. Said to count the months - she wasn't going back to AK anytime soon (Yeah, to f*cking cold!) - still means she may still go after March once D is final.
Said that trust was going to be the biggest issue I would have with her. Asked her to remember telling me that she feared I would hold this against her in the future. She said that she was talking about her fears if she decided to come back - I was acting as if she had already said she was. She said it really didn't matter. I realized she was right & just said your right, it really doesn't matter. I guess I got my hopes up a bit - thanks for the dose of reality. She offered to come over 30 mins early in morning to talk. Told her I'd rather talk tonight - she said she was on her way somewhere. Told her to just come pick up kids in morning - thanks for being as honest as she could be & to have a good night & hung up. W called 10 mins later but didn't answer it.
Really starting to feel like a fool. Been nothing but nice toward w. Trying so hard to have no expectations but realize that I do. Need to get back to the detaching, GAL & focus on me. So hard to see a bit of the light at the end of the tunnel & lose focus on the path you need to take to get there.
Good in all of this is I didn't yell, controlled my temper, reality check that I obviously needed
Bad - OM is still in picture, w nowhere ready to commit, thought I was giving w a soft place to land if she wanted to come back but realize that I was just allowing myself to get walked over
K,
Think of OM as a drug. She is addicted to him, he makes her feel special and loved. She is not going to give him up easily. You know everything you need to know, checking her history and having spy ware on your computer is going to do nothing but give you more heartache and cause you to back slide like you did last night. STOP SNOOPING!!!! It will only drive her into his arms quicker and prove that you will never trust her again.
Your in competition with a dream, a fantasy and it is going to be difficult to break that. Your the better man, father and husband. You were showing her your good side, you need to keep showing her that side. By allowing her to use your PC and then checking up on her for using it showed her the lack of trust you have in her. Whether she was testing you or not does not matter at this point. Whether she is planning on going back to AK does not matter at this point.
What matters is how you act and how you respond to your W. You are not a fool or a failure for fighting for your M. You know what she has done, you know what she is planning on doing but you have not walked, you have not given up on your M and that makes you a very strong person not a fool.
Get up, dust yourself off and move forward from here. Get your PMA back and get back to work. EXPECT NOTHING FROM HER!!!! You are doing this for you and not her. You are doing this to make you a better person not to save your M. You are doing this to be a great father not to be her husband. Get this through your head.
Put yourself in her shoes about what you did and how you reacted and see how it comes off. I am not defending her or her actions but is what you did consistent with the person you want to be. Next time you find something, stop, wait 24 hours and then think about what you want to do. Get the emotions out of your reactions and once you can do that then you will know that you have detached from her.
Its going to take many, many months maybe even over a year to get her to feel connected to you again. Remember I said its a marathon not a sprint. Its going on two years for me since I started and you see where I am at. Do you have the fortitude to do that. I hope so because its not easy but the best things in life are the ones we have to work for.
Ok I have put my 2x4 away. Nothing you can do about it now. Forget about it and move forward. You doing well, we all have back slides. The key is to learn from it and try and stop making them. I have faith in you that it will all work out for the best. You goal is to be friends with her and nothing else. So treat her like a friend and see where it goes from there. Friends trust each other and respect each others privacy. You are the bigger person and need to stay on the high road and come out of this with your head held high saying that you did everything possible and can move on knowing that you did your best. And that is all that anybody can ask of themselves.
