New Me - Will WAW ever notice?

[Distressed67]

K,

Sounds like things are going well. Try and keep yourself centered and do not expect anything from your W. Do not put too much emphasis on any of her words or actions for the time being. Keep the conversations light and friendly. Steer away from any R talk or anything deep and emotional for the next month or so.

Remember that you are just a friend, nothing more. Show her your best side. Keep the house clean and always be well groomed and have a PMA when she is around. You have a long way to go but if you take it day by day it will all work out.

Just one question is she still planning on leaving for AK next year? Did not know if the OM was still in the picture.

Take care and keep up the good work,

Tim

[Kakatal]

K,

Sounds like things are going well. Try and keep yourself centered and do not expect anything from your W. Do not put too much emphasis on any of her words or actions for the time being. Keep the conversations light and friendly. Steer away from any R talk or anything deep and emotional for the next month or so.

Remember that you are just a friend, nothing more. Show her your best side. Keep the house clean and always be well groomed and have a PMA when she is around. You have a long way to go but if you take it day by day it will all work out.

Doing my best to have no expectations - when I said that to w she said that was good since she didn't want to make any promise or be held to any time frame about coming back. I know that she needs time to figure things out for herself - she has to decide to want to come back because that is what she wants - not doing it out of guilt, for kids, etc. I heard her about wanting to work on being friends & see if feelings come back. No pressure for her to make any kind of decision anytime soon from me. I will not initiate any R talks with her. Just keep doing what has gotten me here.

Just one question is she still planning on leaving for AK next year? Did not know if the OM was still in the picture.

Take care and keep up the good work,

Tim

I haven't asked her anything about OM. Do not feel the need to open that can of worms at this point. I do get from her impression that things are done with him - or at least not to extent of involvement she had prior to her last trip. She is occupying her time reading the Twilight books - might be her way of now escaping her issues. She is having tough time sleeping at night. W hasn't mentioned anything about changing the terms of the D - which are all based on her moving to AK next Sept.

As always thanks for the support!

[Distressed67]

My W and D love those Twilight books. Must be a women thing.

About the divorce papers, I am not quite up on all this stuff. You have been served but nothing is signed and you have not gone to mediation correct? So my assumption is it is in limbo for right now until either you or her decide to start moving it forward. And she is just talking seperation for the time being.

If that is true it is a good sign that she is not confident in her decision to get a D. Her being confused is a good thing. My W was confused for a long time but I think she is now moving towards working on our M.

This is a very fragile time for your R so watch what you say and do, she is watching your every move even if you think she is not. Someone once put it as a never ending job interview and after many weeks it will feel that way. Just make sure you find time to do stuff just for yourself that will relive the stress of your sitch.

Lastly something I figured out a while ago. I use to do things expecting something from my W. You need to learn to do stuff just because it is the right thing to do. If you do it expecting something from her it will take away from you action and trust me she knows if you are doing it because you want someting and not because it is the right thing to do. Hope that makes sense.

Tim

[Kakatal]

About the divorce papers, I am not quite up on all this stuff. You have been served but nothing is signed and you have not gone to mediation correct? So my assumption is it is in limbo for right now until either you or her decide to start moving it forward. And she is just talking separation for the time being.

California has a 6 month cooling off period. W served me with papers in Oct. I had 20 days to respond but didn't have anything to disagree about. Motion was just concerns physical & legal custody. Divorce would be final in March 09. We had gone to a mediator to work on details of dissolution & agreed on all terms in Sept. Not a court mandated mediator. That paperwork gets submitted & not looked at by judge until Feb 09. Then motion should just be rubber stamped & finalized in Mar. So, still on D track..clock is ticking but no worries from me. What will be will be.

This is a very fragile time for your R so watch what you say and do, she is watching your every move even if you think she is not. Someone once put it as a never ending job interview and after many weeks it will feel that way. Just make sure you find time to do stuff just for yourself that will relive the stress of your sitch.

Time to do my own thing is very precious & hard to come by. Had flu & back/neck issues so I didn't work out for 2 weeks. That I need to start up again. Reconnecting with old friends via Facebook. Still reading - working on His Needs, Her Needs.

Lastly something I figured out a while ago. I use to do things expecting something from my W. You need to learn to do stuff just because it is the right thing to do. If you do it expecting something from her it will take away from you action and trust me she knows if you are doing it because you want something and not because it is the right thing to do. Hope that makes sense.

Makes perfect sense. I have really started to just do what I feel is right with no expectations from w. From having kids make cards for her, giving her back key to house, note of appreciation for cleaning house, bought her 4th book in her Twilight series from us & kids, allowing her to use house to watch kids at when she needs. All that is done because I want to do it. Just part of me being the new me. She didn't thank me for the book for better part of 2 days - bugged me a bit but I never mentioned it to her, never inquired if she got the book, etc. Just let it be. Do something & have no expectations; just feel good myself that I am doing something good for someone else.

[Distressed67]

About the divorce papers, I am not quite up on all this stuff. You have been served but nothing is signed and you have not gone to mediation correct? So my assumption is it is in limbo for right now until either you or her decide to start moving it forward. And she is just talking separation for the time being.

California has a 6 month cooling off period. W served me with papers in Oct. I had 20 days to respond but didn't have anything to disagree about. Motion was just concerns physical & legal custody. Divorce would be final in March 09. We had gone to a mediator to work on details of dissolution & agreed on all terms in Sept. Not a court mandated mediator. That paperwork gets submitted & not looked at by judge until Feb 09. Then motion should just be rubber stamped & finalized in Mar. So, still on D track..clock is ticking but no worries from me. What will be will be.

If I understand correctly your D will be final in March unless both of you agree to call it off.

Can it be extended for another six months if you both agree?

Just trying to understand what you are up against. I believe that time is still on your side. Lots can happen in five months and if you are true to yourself and your changes good things will happen. Whether or not you save your M.

Keep your PMA up and post your frustrations here. I don't always respond but I do read all that you post so know that someone is atleast listening to you.

[Kakatal]

If I understand correctly your D will be final in March unless both of you agree to call it off.

Can it be extended for another six months if you both agree?

Just trying to understand what you are up against. I believe that time is still on your side. Lots can happen in five months and if you are true to yourself and your changes good things will happen. Whether or not you save your M.

W is the one who filed so she owns the motion. She is the only party that can put a hold on the D or stop it entirely. CA is a no fault state so no burden of proof - irreconcilable differences is all one has to say to file.

I will bring up staying the motion for another 6 months if things continue to progress over next 4 months. Not in any hurry to rush w into making a decision.

Keep your PMA up and post your frustrations here. I don't always respond but I do read all that you post so know that someone is at least listening to you.

Will do. Had IC tonight. Therapist is very impressed with my progress & improved awareness. Says reason I am having heartache past couple days is because I am trying to keep hopes reasonable but with changes w has displayed it is hard to suppress getting hopes up, thus the heartache. Realizes that my changes are for my benefit & my kids as they should be - just doesn't want to have anything hinge on w & her decision.

Thanks for letting me know you are out there keeping an eye on me. Hoping Phoenixdeux will find me again - you both have done a great job in helping to keep me focused.

I keep stopping by your thread as well. I know you are doing to the day to day minutia that doesn't seem all that postworthy - so just post something to say hi & all is well

[Kakatal]

Knew things were too good to be true. W called me yesterday - I had told her she was welcome to use my computer during day if she wanted - was watching kids at house. W calls couple hours later asking why I was running keylogging software on my pc. Told her I had installed it long time back & just forgot about it. Said I would remove it when I got home. Uninstalled it last night as I had said I would.

Get home tonight & get on my pc. Look at profiles directory & notice W had used my pc - sucks being married to a computer tech!
Look at her browser cache folder & she forgot to clear it. I view the files using a cache viewer program & see that she spent good 30 mins on different airfare websites trying to find cheapest fare to AK.

Call w. Ask her if she is planning on going to AK again. Said that I saw her browsing history & why is she trying to find a flight there. She says that she was testing me - didn't believe that I had removed the keylogging software. Told her I did that last night - I was viewing the cache from your browser. She said she didn't think about that - normally she clears it. Told her that I wasn't allowing her to use my PC to further her affair - felt violated for trusting her.

Asked her if she still talked to OM - she said she did but has no plans on going back. Said to count the months - she wasn't going back to AK anytime soon (Yeah, to f*cking cold!) - still means she may still go after March once D is final.

Said that trust was going to be the biggest issue I would have with her. Asked her to remember telling me that she feared I would hold this against her in the future. She said that she was talking about her fears if she decided to come back - I was acting as if she had already said she was. She said it really didn't matter. I realized she was right & just said your right, it really doesn't matter. I guess I got my hopes up a bit - thanks for the dose of reality. She offered to come over 30 mins early in morning to talk. Told her I'd rather talk tonight - she said she was on her way somewhere. Told her to just come pick up kids in morning - thanks for being as honest as she could be & to have a good night & hung up. W called 10 mins later but didn't answer it.

Really starting to feel like a fool. Been nothing but nice toward w. Trying so hard to have no expectations but realize that I do. Need to get back to the detaching, GAL & focus on me. So hard to see a bit of the light at the end of the tunnel & lose focus on the path you need to take to get there.

Good in all of this is I didn't yell, controlled my temper, reality check that I obviously needed

Bad - OM is still in picture, w nowhere ready to commit, thought I was giving w a soft place to land if she wanted to come back but realize that I was just allowing myself to get walked over

[Kakatal]

Calmer now. Have to realize that w is not ready to want to work on M. She came out from behind her wall for a couple days to see how things were. Wed when I got home from work she left abruptly. I thought that she might feel awkward for revealing so much & wanted to go back behind the wall since it's safe there. But fact that she still talks with OM means she probably shared our recent conversations with OM. Sure he wants her to come up again so she is tempted to investigate it. Confronting her was overreacting to her indecision. Letting my own emotions cloud my judgment. Patience Patience Patience.

[Distressed67]

Knew things were too good to be true. W called me yesterday - I had told her she was welcome to use my computer during day if she wanted - was watching kids at house. W calls couple hours later asking why I was running keylogging software on my pc. Told her I had installed it long time back & just forgot about it. Said I would remove it when I got home. Uninstalled it last night as I had said I would.

Get home tonight & get on my pc. Look at profiles directory & notice W had used my pc - sucks being married to a computer tech!
Look at her browser cache folder & she forgot to clear it. I view the files using a cache viewer program & see that she spent good 30 mins on different airfare websites trying to find cheapest fare to AK.

Call w. Ask her if she is planning on going to AK again. Said that I saw her browsing history & why is she trying to find a flight there. She says that she was testing me - didn't believe that I had removed the keylogging software. Told her I did that last night - I was viewing the cache from your browser. She said she didn't think about that - normally she clears it. Told her that I wasn't allowing her to use my PC to further her affair - felt violated for trusting her.

Asked her if she still talked to OM - she said she did but has no plans on going back. Said to count the months - she wasn't going back to AK anytime soon (Yeah, to f*cking cold!) - still means she may still go after March once D is final.

Said that trust was going to be the biggest issue I would have with her. Asked her to remember telling me that she feared I would hold this against her in the future. She said that she was talking about her fears if she decided to come back - I was acting as if she had already said she was. She said it really didn't matter. I realized she was right & just said your right, it really doesn't matter. I guess I got my hopes up a bit - thanks for the dose of reality. She offered to come over 30 mins early in morning to talk. Told her I'd rather talk tonight - she said she was on her way somewhere. Told her to just come pick up kids in morning - thanks for being as honest as she could be & to have a good night & hung up. W called 10 mins later but didn't answer it.

Really starting to feel like a fool. Been nothing but nice toward w. Trying so hard to have no expectations but realize that I do. Need to get back to the detaching, GAL & focus on me. So hard to see a bit of the light at the end of the tunnel & lose focus on the path you need to take to get there.

Good in all of this is I didn't yell, controlled my temper, reality check that I obviously needed

Bad - OM is still in picture, w nowhere ready to commit, thought I was giving w a soft place to land if she wanted to come back but realize that I was just allowing myself to get walked over

K,

Think of OM as a drug. She is addicted to him, he makes her feel special and loved. She is not going to give him up easily. You know everything you need to know, checking her history and having spy ware on your computer is going to do nothing but give you more heartache and cause you to back slide like you did last night. STOP SNOOPING!!!! It will only drive her into his arms quicker and prove that you will never trust her again.

Your in competition with a dream, a fantasy and it is going to be difficult to break that. Your the better man, father and husband. You were showing her your good side, you need to keep showing her that side. By allowing her to use your PC and then checking up on her for using it showed her the lack of trust you have in her. Whether she was testing you or not does not matter at this point. Whether she is planning on going back to AK does not matter at this point.

What matters is how you act and how you respond to your W. You are not a fool or a failure for fighting for your M. You know what she has done, you know what she is planning on doing but you have not walked, you have not given up on your M and that makes you a very strong person not a fool.

Get up, dust yourself off and move forward from here. Get your PMA back and get back to work. EXPECT NOTHING FROM HER!!!! You are doing this for you and not her. You are doing this to make you a better person not to save your M. You are doing this to be a great father not to be her husband. Get this through your head.

Put yourself in her shoes about what you did and how you reacted and see how it comes off. I am not defending her or her actions but is what you did consistent with the person you want to be. Next time you find something, stop, wait 24 hours and then think about what you want to do. Get the emotions out of your reactions and once you can do that then you will know that you have detached from her.

Its going to take many, many months maybe even over a year to get her to feel connected to you again. Remember I said its a marathon not a sprint. Its going on two years for me since I started and you see where I am at. Do you have the fortitude to do that. I hope so because its not easy but the best things in life are the ones we have to work for.

Ok I have put my 2x4 away. Nothing you can do about it now. Forget about it and move forward. You doing well, we all have back slides. The key is to learn from it and try and stop making them. I have faith in you that it will all work out for the best. You goal is to be friends with her and nothing else. So treat her like a friend and see where it goes from there. Friends trust each other and respect each others privacy. You are the bigger person and need to stay on the high road and come out of this with your head held high saying that you did everything possible and can move on knowing that you did your best. And that is all that anybody can ask of themselves.

Take care and have a great weekend,

Tim

[PositivelyMommy]

Tim, I was just passing by here but your words speak directly to me as well. Thanks. My thread is in Newcomers 'I thought I had the Perfect Marriage' and Infidelity PM Thread #2 f you ever want to visit or comment.

Katatal, keep up the good work. I think we are at the same stage emotionally at the moment. DB'ing like crazy trying and hoping that our WAS would notice the difference. But Tim is right, we need to be a friend now and not expect anything otherwise we are the ones who will get hurt and I am DONE being hurt. Had enough and don't need anymore, thankyou.

I have had my share of snooping and confrontation. But nothing good came from any of it, my curiosity was satisfied but so what. It changed nothing, the situation remained the same and our R suffered from the confrontation. It took a few months but I finally stopped snooping. I feel like I am flying blind at the moment but also a lot less hurt. I think I like this option better.

Sounds like you are really beginning to think things through. You are doing good work on yourself.