Surrendering to hope

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

I really do appreciate your concern, and I know that you are looking out for my best interests, so thank you for being a good friend. I really don't agree though about being in an abusive R, even though I do agree that H still has issues to deal with like most of the WAS on this board. I use this board as a place to vent my frustrations about things going on, and I probably give more details than almost anyone else, every last painstaking detail...I think too that it's hard to convey things appropriately without sharing the entire background. When I say things like pulling my hair, I mean a little tug, and yes we have always been like that with each other. He wasn't cruelly teasing me last night about things I once did but I didn’t explain this fully. He was remembering how excited I got when we stayed in a hotel one night while he was on a business trip, and his company allowed me to join the business dinner at a top restaurant. Before they invited me, I was sad that I was going to have to stay in and order room service, and he was remembering how excited I got when he called me and I got dressed up and ran out to meet them all. This is what we were laughing about, and I thought it was sweet that he had been thinking on something that had made me so happy but was funny at the same time.

In terms of the nose thing, he grabs my nose because he has always said it is cute like a button, and that he loves my nose. That is why I really like this way of showing affection. I am the one who pokes at him, and by this I mean sort of friendly jabs because we're not in the place yet where we can sit with our arms around each other, but I want to have some degree of physical contact.

I agree that snooping is a good thing in some situations depending on the person, but I am 99.9% sure there is no OW, and to be honest even if there were, this would not change things for me at the moment. Yes my H has issues, and he says rude things from time to time, but he has always been loyal and honest. There is a lot of background to this situation in terms of my own contribution to the problems, and why he feels so hurt around me.

I hope I'm not coming off as defensive here, but I really do think that this is a case of me not explaining things right, or giving too much detail about what H is doing vs. what I have done.

In terms of giving H space, I do this now. I don't make plans with him, I don't follow him around, and he's gone at school 2 nights per week until 11 PM. My hope is that we can get to a place where he is honest about the space he needs, but even with us being in the same house this last week, we have spent very little time together.

I think I do need to be more careful about the way that I explain things, and not go into so many details. Like I said, I do appreciate the fact that you are worried about me, but please know that I don’t have low self-esteem and really wouldn’t choose to stay in a situation that I thought was abusive in any way.

ITH