Pnt: One i talked with my c about that... their need to feel independent and no response or notification at all to their wife... I think that at time they realize that what we are asking is not for controlling them, but for consideration, they finally understand they are not controlled by us, they just share their life with us...!!.. we dont want to feel as a zero on the left that doesnt means anything to anybody... thats all... My h now can get out with a buddy, or go biking with a group... but now he feels no problem about telling me... hey, i have an invitation for biking... do you have plans with me...?!!... and thats all...!!... In men mind, the control word means a lot... we need to find the way to let them feel there is no control, only sharing and respect... consideration and fun.. andrea
My husband has been calling me at least every other day.
Our phone calls last a minute or 2 at most, but I'm very thrilled he's calling me so often!
Also, 6 new jobs have been posted at my University, so things are looking good for him getting a job here!
I thought of something else I wanted to share with you.
During our weekend talks, he asked why if I am doing so well do I want him in my life. I told him, "It'd be so much easier for me if I didn't. A week will go by in which I'm really angry with you and don't want to talk to you. And then (I got teary here) you call me, and I hear your voice, and I'm just so happy."
He teared up too and I think he liked my answer.
He STILL thinks he's the cause of my depression. I've told him everyway I know how that it's a chemical thing. He insists on blaming himself.
Finally, that weekend, I said, ok, it's possible you are partly to blame for my depression. Here's how.
When I first began dating you, I saw that you ate sandwiches all the time. I saw how you ate and wanted to eat that way too!
All that bread is too much carbs for my system to handle. Now, when I stick to Atkins and limit my carbs, my depression goes completely away. So, if you are to blame for my depression, its for eating so many yummy sandwiches!
We talked about my thyroid problems and difficulty with weight loss. I hope he understands that he's not to blame. But if not..I'm hoping that living with me depression free will convince him!
His positive changes are freaking me out. Is it just that I have to get to know him again? When we talk as friends, I feel fine. It's just when he starts being loving that I feel weird.
Quote: His positive changes are freaking me out. Is it just that I have to get to know him again? When we talk as friends, I feel fine. It's just when he starts being loving that I feel weird.
Yup. You have changed and he has changed. But now that you have changed your perception, how you see him is different than what it was before. I kind of like to think that we need to recalibrate our thoughts to fit in with how we NOW know our Ses...and this can be scary. So, yes, I'd have to say you will have to get to know him again...as how you see him through your new eyes. And he has to do the same.
Good day, PnT, Quick visit to chime in with a "WOW! Great news!!"
Don't worry yourself to much about why his changes. Just accept they are a turn for the positive. Its kinda of a role reversal. We first try to convince them about our changes as they are skeptical, now we find ourselve the skeptics.
... but as JJ says "Start with a beginner's mind." ... accept what they do at face value ... don't try to read any thing more into it, because your point of reference is based on old behaviors and no longer applies.
I guess that's the problem. He's not acting like his old self even...and I guess a part of me expected things to just go back to the way it used to be. Cause when we weren't taking each other for granted...things were good.
But it'll be much better now...I guess this is what a mature love feels like, rather than teenage love.
I just have to remember to keep my eyes on the horizon so that I don't get dizzy and fall down!
Pnt: I am also sometime afraid of the changes my h show me... and i think he notes my changes too...!!... this is totally normal... we both and ou both are different bc the crisis, bc what we had lived, bc the growth... I think that what i am afraid most is for returning to the back ugly habits and missing all this new wonderfull changes... but yes we need to focus on the positive... thinking that anything is for sure in the future... that we cant control what will happen in the future... and we need to learn to live knowing that risk we all have in our R... learning to accept it without fear, and knowing we will know how to handle any situation, break or rupture, as we had shwn it in the past... so, live the presen, enjoy it, trying to make it better... and thats all... i am learning too... i am working too on that, is difficult after an A, is difficult after all the hurt, but not impossible... andrea
