FIB asked we check on you. FIB and I have been together here for 2-1/2 yrs so I guess we are "vets".
Wow. Your post rings so true - and I am here to say to you that you are not alone. I have been divorced since January and it still hurts.
Every day. Big time. It will get better but not before it it gets even worse. Expect that. Prepare for that.
Every day I am denied my kids. Every day I am denied those hugs from someone who I thought cared. Every day I am to blame for this mess........
The rollercoaster will slowly smooth out. But it will take time.
And effort - on your part.
I am still work in progress. So I know it is not easy.
I know.
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I have done what I think is right - and I have told her too many times how I feel about things and our daughter, etc.
Yes you have. Told her "too many times"? Me too. It does little good b/c they are in a world of their own. They see us and only us as the problem. And there is nothing we can do to change that. But they must feel that way in order to justify what they have become.
How sad. They deserve our anger - and then our forgiveness.
Hard pill to sollow - but we must. The ONLY thing we have is our terms as men.
One of my terms is that I will never sink so low as to let another man (or my Ex) make me hate.
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Again, as you said, she is in another place and everything I say is worthless and twisted to her liking.
That is so, so true. So stop wasting your energy trying to contol that which you cannot.
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Now I am in anguish again. I have not learned how to just accept it as part of the hardships of life.
Don't rush the acceptance part. Process the anger, frustration, you fear of the future. That is how we heal. As men, we feel we must "accept" when we think we should. But the heart lags behind the logic. Let it. That is heathy.
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My W telling me what a pit of hell I am, and in her view spoiling my daughter and not disciplining her the way I should be, and having my daughter see my negative energy - that I should just grow up and get over it - I am damaging our daughter. My W says she is doing her best to repair the damage "I" have caused to our daughter.
It is ALL OUR FAULT. I am shouting b/c we need to accept that as a given and use it for growth. Sure, it is not all our fault but some was. What was that? How can I change that?
That is how we grow.
W is pushing your buttons. Nothing more.
It hurts. But I believe it must - so we grow as men.
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I just do not know what to do. Everything is screwed up. There is no chance of saving the marriage - every thing I have done to date is wrong.
You are doing fine. You are doing just what you need to be doing.
Have you been trying to "save" the M? Stop. Stop and see what happens. Letting go is so, so hard (ask me how I know) but that is the ticket to our future - with her or....
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I do no know how to pretend it doesn't bother me. I do not know how to pretend I have a great life. I do not know how to move on. ... I am in a pit of hell. Why am is so fixated on this? Why does it seem so many others can just shrug off their marriage and move on so easily.
Same here. That guy standing next to you in the pit is me. And FIB. And others.
Fixated? You don't yet know the true meaning of that word yet. And I say that not to dismiss how you feel - just the opposite.
Don't pretend. Ever. Feel those feelings. What are they telling you?
So many others can shrug it off b/c they are weak. They need the help. You and I and FIB and others fight the good fight b/c it is the only fight worth fighting.
Another term: my family is my life.
I am proud of that as you should be.
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am worried I will never be happy again. I am worried about raising my daughter properly on my own when I have her. I wish my W were dead - at least then I wouldn't keep having any last thread of hope be constantly crushed. I wouldn't have the constant and daily reminder that my life has turned to crap.
I could have written these exact words. All I can say is that this sucks.
I too wish my Ex were dead. But then again, she is the mother of my kids.
Ouch.
And as bad as it is for us, if we really love them would we not want them to be happy? If they truly belive that we are no longer right for them then should we not want them to be *free* in a sense? It is never a loving thing to *hold* someone against their will.
Yes, that sucks. But we learn here about unconditional love and we also learn the high road - the road more difficult but the road to be be on always.
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I know I need to live my own life - but I forgot how. And I never dated much before I got married... not sure I want to be dating again, but I am so tired of being alone and hurt.
Forget the *dating*. Those other women are not going anyplace. Focus on you and your child. Especially on you.
It will take time and it sucks. No sugar coating.
But looking at what you have written here, you will survive. Your character rings clear.
Last point - go talk to the lawyer. Here in backwards Alabama the judge will not allow overnights with a non-relative of the opposite sex if the kids are there. Not just if you are separated - holds true even after the D is final.
That is a boundary - my family is my life. If she cannot take care of business and set the example - we must.
