I kow what i was doing did not work, I know that my last shot of hope is silence and space. i know this but ..... But what...? But it's hard to do? But you don't like it? But you are having trouble with it?
Yes, to all. And also quite irrelevant. No one promised you this would be easy. The time you sit there "feeling the adrenaline" and stressing, is time not spent DBing and getting a life.
I worry over no contact - he can do X Y and Z. You are injecting yourself into his head, trying to manage his life remotely. Look, he checked out. Sorry to be harsh here. But there is not a thing you can do about his new girlfriend, or his new mates, or his new social calendar. That is his thing. You are torturing yourself worrying about it. Get. Out. Of. His. Head.
AND... more importantly, you are using your obsession with his life to avoid living your own. You have work to do, but you are ignoring it.
What you are doing is not working. Stop it.
I understand what you say but I cant fully immerse in something right now. i feel stuck. Uh-huh.
You feel stuck. You kow what I feel? I feel you have a big BUT problem. You have a lot of "buts". People give you advice, you call out for advice, and when you get it, your response fits a pattern: "oh yes, that sounds right, BUT..." You use whatever comes after the "But" as your justification for neatly discarding the advice. You're good at this!
I'm just sayin' what I'm seein'.
I find this site invaluable but worry about lack of success stories ( I may not be looking properly ) I have some alternate feelings on this site. I think it is really useful as a support group, there is a lot of empathy around here. But I also see that much of the conversation is just online friend chat. I also see a lot of alliances pop up, and I see heaps of self-justification. There are a lot of people who enable ongoing counterproductive behavior. There are people who come to complain about their spouses, and plan battle strategies - the exact opposite of DBing. To me it is like going to church to plot with the other churchgoers on how to steal the neighbor's car. This is the wrong place for it.
Lack of success stories? Is it any wonder? #1, it is hard. #2, We are self-defeating! We say we want to bust divorces, but we, the community, often descend into a group of hurt people trading bad stories about our spouses. and we justify it by saying "Well at least I'm not talking to the neighbors". It's the same thing though. That's not DBing. It's gossip and justifying.
Before any of us can make progress, we need to grow a little to get beyond the desperate "I need help!" cry inside our heads. We need to get to the point where each of us can honestly say "I know what I want, and I need the right kind of help." Not just any help. If you had cancer, would you take an antibiotic? A sleep aid? You need not just any medicine, you need the RIGHT medicine. you can get all sorts of medicine here on this site. Is it the right kind for what ails you?
Do you want someone to justify your every move and your every emotional reaction and over-reaction? You can find that here. Do you want someone to empathize when you tell them for the 50th time that "I know I have to get a life but it's so haaaaaard." You can find THAT here, too. Do you want someone to just chat with - just pointless idle chat and conversation? That is really easy to find here, too. Don't get me wrong - having someone to talk to about the little nothings of the day is important. But is that what you want from this site? From this community?
At some point you have to decide for yourself who you will be, whether you want to be strong or not, whether you are interested in growing by leaps and bounds into a stronger person who can handle adversity, and whatever life throws your way.
Deciding does not make it so. Deciding does not make you strong, but deciding allows you to move in that direction. Deciding that you will be strong, means that you will get off your arse and get your nails done even if it kills you. Or you will go to the club to workout when you really really don't feel like it. Or go to work when you feel like hanging your head.
Once you make that decision for yourself, things begin to move in the right direction. It does not instantly get easier. But it does get easier, little by little, and then by great big heaps.
I think you are doing some get-a-life things right now. Right now you are planning to go to a cocktail party on Friday, and you are doing other stuff. At the same time, you have this tendency to slide back into your inner child who needs a hug, needs encouragement, needs to touch daddy's leg just to feel safe, then off you go again. These "But" parties seem to be like that. How do you get to a point where you can just keep going on your own?
Today's book recommendation: Peace is Every Step - by Thich Nhat Hanh. Get it on Amazon.
Thanks SPM. All I want is to hear exactly what you have just said. I know you feel like a broken record (but) it does sink in a bit.
I know i torture myself thinking the worst. i know that if he has chosen another path , there is not a darn thing i can do about it. I feel that I have to heal myself, I feel that strongly and i know what I have to do.
Sometimes during the day I actually do find that my head is hanging. i stand up tall. For the first time in my life I realise that I should be more aware of my feelings and the consequent actions they provoke. I try to pull my socks up and sometimes I can lift out of it.
At the end of the day, I want my marriage back. I am petrified of doing something that will put that goal in jeopardy, yet I know how can making yourself a better person and leaving the other one alone - be doing wrong.
He knows where I am, he has a memory bank , if he wanted he could very easily contact me ( even if i have said not to ). He chooses not to. i am not his choice and i need to accept that. It does not mean it is all over.
Surely it is natural to torture yourself over what might be happening when there is another person. I cant just switch off. People tell me that it will go away as I move through this grieving process. I wish it would go away now. Impatient Impatient Impatient
I realise sitting here that it wont go away if I dont let it. i am waiting for H to come and take that feeling away when all i really have to work on is myself ! Sounds easier to write than do!
When I had those feelings, I spent a lot of time with non-fiction books, relationship books....anything I could get my hands on that could help me. Which they did.
Eventually, though, I needed a book that just calmed my mind. A smart lady on here recommended the book, Eat, Pray, Love. Have you read it? It really made me peaceful and calm.
1. Keeping warm 2. Wearing bright colours 3. Watching funny movies 4. Tuning out of sad things 5. Sleeping pills 6. Planning weekend on a monday. Plans in place 7. Actually having some plans 8. Giving myself permission to NOT talk about things. Friends ask , i say - do you mind if we dont talk about it - think they are relieved. 9. No contact at this time. 10 Accepting i have no control over him now. 11. Enjoying the fact that I have dropped a dress size.
12.Knowing that i want to save my M and realising it might take a little longer and road is a little harder than i thought. 13. i want to post in success stories. Well thats what I feel right now ! I am definitely on a roller coaster.
Wow it has never ever snowed here. We travel to the mountains for skiing etc.
Back home from the cocktail party. I made sure I looked nice and it was the most BORINGEST party i have ever ever been to. It was just like a networking thing YUK. During the speeches I almost lost the will to live ! But I went and I did it.
Sooooooo your going to hate this SPM.... Wonder what H is doing tonight. Not my concern though. Who wants to be with someone who does not want to be with me. I will wait and hope.
Tomorrow the movies with girlfriends and next week SYDNEY... Yeah. I will have to let H know and let him stay at home with kids. It will be 4 days as a parent again.
Can I hope that it might strike a heart cord with him ..... Tell me if i am wrong to think like this.
Back home from the cocktail party. I made sure I looked nice and it was the most BORINGEST party i have ever ever been to. It was just like a networking thing YUK. During the speeches I almost lost the will to live ! But I went and I did it.
Now that's funny!! I can almost see your head nodding back as you struggle to stay awake.
Quote:
Tomorrow the movies with girlfriends and next week SYDNEY... Yeah. I will have to let H know and let him stay at home with kids. It will be 4 days as a parent again. Can I hope that it might strike a heart cord with him ..... Tell me if i am wrong to think like this.
It will be good for him to be a parent again. Let him realize again what he's been missing.
I can almost see your head nodding back as you struggle to stay awake.