New Here-From Newcomers- hoping for more input...

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

Sorry your H was insensitive...I doubt it was consciously payback, though subconsciously you never know I guess.

Did he call you after you left that message last night?

ITH

[Separated]

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry you were in so much pain, I hope today you are feeling better.

It most likely was not payback at all. Maybe he just really did forget. I hope he made up for it once he received your phone call.

[optimistwife]

Today seems better so far. I think I can stick to just the Ibuprofen instead of the Percocet. Don't know how people can get addicted to that stuff! It makes me feel awful.

I do think H probably just forgot, but still bothers me as he is always trying to go out of his way to help others, but somehow forgets about me on the one day I could have used some help. He did offer to come take care of me tonight... I guess better late than never- although I really don't need help. If he comes over I may just act a bit helpless...

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

That's sweet that he's offered to come by tonight. I would definitely take him up on it as it gives him the opportunity to do something for you. It will probably make him feel good :).

ITH

[Separated]

See he is making up for it. I hope you had a good evening and are feeling 100% better now.

[optimistwife]

Ever get the feeling that more is happening in the background than usual? You know- the old intuition thingy that we've all become so attuned to?

Well- Monday was the night I needed help and H was absent. I had wondered before hand because when I mentioned seeing him during the week he just got a little squirrelly- like 'we'll see'. 'Depends how busy things are'. etc... Fair enough and I let it drop.

Last night he texted that he was gonna be at school until late- and suggeseted I come to his place to spend the night. I probably should have stayed home but was feeling needy and went over. I didn't get there until late- close to 10pm.

The first thing I noticed when I walked in door was that he had cleaned/vaccumed. Hadn't seen it clean previously. Also it hit me that some of the stuff that his EA/OW/BF? had stored there was gone. Remember back when he had told me that she had moved out of the building, but left stuff behind. Since she is still in school with him and has some rotations in town I asked if she would be coming back and staying there (with him)- he replied 'who knows'.

So- not sure if his apt. was originally hers, or if there was some grand plan at some point for them to live together, or what. But I like that it is gone! An organizer full of bathroom stuff including feminine products- ugh. School notes, a 6 pack of beer (H doesn't drink).

There was also a pizza in the fridge- so I know what he was doing on Monday night.

Anyway- he was a bit distant overall, not much to say, but was fairly cuddly. No ML in a while, but falling asleep in eachothers arms is a good substitute.

I hope that whatever happened on Monday night was a step forward for our R. It will probably be one of those things that I will never know, but my gut tells me something happened.

Oh- and today was horrible. Came home this morning, took pain meds, took a nap- and woke up with a migraine. The horrible type that causes you to vomit. How do you get a migraine when you are taking pain meds? I am now just waking up for real right now- (have been stumbling around intermittantly to care for the dogs, vomit, then back to bed). Finally feeling better- but wiped out.

[optimistwife]

What is wrong with my H? I think he is slipping into a new EA!

Turns out he has another new friend- a girl at school who is happy to come over in the middle of the day to walk his dog, is now spending more and more time hanging out with him. He's enthralled- as usual. He was hanging out with her Monday watching movies while I was sick from my root canal.

I am sick to my stomach now. I slipped off the DB track. He talked about coming over last night, when I talked to him at 830, then never showed up, answered phone- nada. Sent him text finally and told him I really needed a friend and was disappointed he didn't come over. Finally called at midnight- said he fell alseep. Great.

I tossed and turned for a long time in bed and finally wrote a stupid poem about everything I was wondering. Yup- sent it too.
It made me feel only slightly better becuase I just see this never ending cycle. I was thinking that the last one is done and gone, and here is a new one starting. I was thinking that we were getting better...

2x4 me if it is appropriate but I am really sad about everything in the past few days. Even if he came back would he ever stop making such 'good' friends? Would he ever be there in my time of need?

I just scheduled a session with Jody for Monday. Hope I can keep my sanity until then. I should probably just retreat from everything until I can regroup.

[optimistwife]

Okay- here's my late night stupidity. It really is a summation of everything that has been going through my head. I really don't expect to get any answers- I haven't to this point. But I kinda felt it was time to remind him of what I am doing here...
DB or not.. Ug- I hate late nights! The reasonable switch in the brain is off...Don't think I'll win any poetry awards...

She wonders if she will ever be the same again
She wonders if he knows
She wonders if he sees
She wonders if he cares

She waits for her heart
She waits for his heart
She waits for the spark to ignite to a flame
She waits for him to feel the heat.
She waits for his love

She watches from a distance
She watches from near
She watches the reflection of his soul in his eyes
She watches the sadness in his smile
She watches his struggle

She wonders what they know
She wonders if they care
She wonders how long forever lives in a heart
She wonders when

She wears it as a reminder
She wears it as a symbol of her love
She wears it proudly
She wears it with intent
She wears it for herself
She wears it for all

She wants to be patient
She wants to be pushy
She wants to be the past
She wants to be the future
She wants to be the present

She loves him still
She loves him more
She loves him always

She wants to be the one

[optimistwife]

Okay- so my stupid e-mail didn't get a response- which was good. But it did get read, and perhaps made him think. I haven't done a whining e-mail or call in soo long. I think it was the breakdown from being sick and lonely and really needing someone and being mad it wasn't him there for me. (Shouldn't have surprised me...)

I think what hurt is that things have been going so well that my thoughts have gotten ahead of where we are. We AREn't to reconciliation- I can just taste it though...

He send me a text that I wasn't allowed to make HIM feel guilty (I think he felt guilty himself) because I said that I needed help and a friend and wished he could have been there.

It almost turned into a fight-He was prepped to go into it... I was pretty good at deflecting and said I am sorry you feel that way. I was hurt by what you did. I just couldn't DB and pretend that all was okay. He hung up quickly and with anger saying he had to go. Then called back in 5 minutes wondering if I knew where some of his DVDs where (they all moved out with him months ago). I looked and didn't find. And asked him questions about the rest of his day and apparently all was forgiven? He asked if I wanted to come visit him last night.

It was already late 10pm, but I figured I wasn't gonna sleep with my hyped up stage so went to his apt. He was fairly quiet and shy, played sappy country songs (apologies?) and asked if I wanted to lie down with him. We fell asleep- he woke up in middle of night to ML, and then cuddle in the am.

So- not sure about the whole turn of events- I guess no horrible damage done- but regression on my part. He did ask me to t-giving, but I have to work that day. I am holding out for x-mas!

[Belle]

Oh optimist!

I am so sorry to hear about what's been happening.

I know what you mean about sick to the stomach!

I just don't get it. He knew you were having a root canal on Monday, no? That's just odd that he watched movies with another woman......Do you think that he can't handle you needing him? Is is afraid of being needed??

This is where I just don't get DBing. I will be very interested in what Jody has to say - please share. I've been thinking about setting up a session with her.

I mean, DBing says that you shouldn't push regarding OW.....Yet where do you draw the line? I don't think that's acceptable behavoir for a H - watch movies with another woman when he knows you've had a painful, extensive procedure that day....And may need a little help or support. I guess when you say you haven't reconciled yet you are right - but IMO it did seem like you were with everything that was happening (staying at his place, ML) but the words just handn't been spoken....

I don't know what to tell you. Sorry I'm no help. I hope Jody has some good advice for you!!!!