Anyhow, the sad thing is, during a divorce we can't protect or children from what an x-spouse may do (within legal limits). The best we can do is try to stay rational around the kids. Don't let them see you getting emotional or angry at your husband about this. You can calmly and logically explain why the behavior is wrong and that when they grow up you hope they make better choices.
Exactly! If the kids come to you with questions on what is right or wrong, or what specifically is bothering them, then address them openly but with age appropriate responses.
Be the strong one for them and they will appreciate it!
I'd suggest that you avoid using X to teach morality lessons whenever possible. Seriously, how often did you use the other parent as an example of bad behavior to teach your kids lessons when you were married? Can you imagine: "Oh, see how bad daddy is calling in to work sick when he's fine. He's lying and cheating the company. Bad, bad daddy. Don't you be like that when you grow up." Who does this help? There is no reason to tear down your kids' father simply because you are no longer married to him. Your children and their R with their father and the level of comfort and safety they feel loving their father is fragile right now. Don't make it harder on them by beating up on their dad to prove a point, no matter how good it would feel.
As for the latest mess in general, sorry to hear about your pain. It sounds like you were looking for something out of your new contact with X that he was not looking for. That hurts. I'm sorry. But there is nothing immoral about dating.
Lots of people date, X is free to date. And, X is free to keep his dating life private from you. I certainly don't share details of my private life with my X.
Unless X told you that he was once again committed to an exclusive and monogomous R with you, then his new GF is not an OW and his R with her does not constitute another betrayal.
He showed poor judgment in not sharing the fact that she would be present on an outing with the kids. Insofar as he lied, that is certainly not attractive. But it is not illegal. He was probably motivated to avoid your reaction about the GF going on the outing. Not saying this is a good reason, just talking about his motivation. If you recognize this, you can improve your co-parenting R by being less reactive. Again, detach.
He needs to have his own R with the kids, it is not yours to manage. So, stay out of it unless something is legally actionable.
If you must express yourself in an effort to try to control X's behavior, perhaps something like this will not do too much harm: "I believe that it will be best if we can be honest with respect to when our children will interact with BFs or GFs in our lives. I also believe contact should be excluded unless it is clear that there will be a serious LTR."
It is also unlikely to do much good. X will do what he wants when he wants. X is no doubt trying to be a good father. Sadly, his choices aren't your business unless something actionable arises.
Yes, definitely don't use XH as an example! That can backfire. I meant just continuing to instill good values in general. Like... I encourage my children to carefully choose spouses, and when they have kids I want them to be committed towards working through problems rather then choosing D. Also, marry someone you care about. Don't just shack up (regardless of who else does it and thinks it's okay), and have babies out of wedlock, etc...
Just general values that sometimes get lost or convuluted when families divorce.
Yes, dating when divorced is not immoral or wrong.
(Although I personally think playing "musical chairs" with kid's lives and mixing families 2 or 3 times, raising other people's children over your own, etc... is harmful and something I really don't want my kids to grow up doing to their own children... others may disagree and think these things are okay. Not everyone has the same moral compass.. in additon, these things don't necessarily need to be pointed out or preached, some of it's just obvisous. And being a good role model is the best way to teach anything).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I agree about playing musical chairs with kids — not a good thing. We actually waited for me to meet H's grown children until we were engaged, though we gave them some space between the meeting and the news.
But, musical chair playing ex-spouses are pretty much beyond our control. The possible energy spent brooding and manipulating is much better spent elsewhere.
I agree about playing musical chairs with kids — not a good thing. We actually waited for me to meet H's grown children until we were engaged, though we gave them some space between the meeting and the news.
Good for you! That shows a lot of respect for the kids.
Yes, manipulating or brooding doesn't help. One of my good friends left her husband and he has been bashing her since the divorce. I'll admit she is definitely not the best role model, and I would hope her kids don't repeat her life. But her XH has really made himself seem much worse. He's just evil. And the sad thing is if he hadn't done all this there may have been a chance of reconciliation. Although his hate for her just permeates his entire being. The whole thing really escalated into something ugly. It's really pretty nightmarish...
I think the point is that as a parent it's important to take extra time and try to teach children healthy and positive life lessons like.... how to choose a spouse (it's not just about a "feeling" there are many factors to consider). And what choices in life have a higher chance of giving one a happy and contented life, rather then a dramatic, difficult and unhappy one. Also, if there are children involved, make them a priority in decisions.
In addition don't just listen to opinion. Look at statistics and research. You don't just learn a great career by feeling or practice, you read, study, go to school, etc... Creating a wonderful life with healthy relationships should be approached similarly. Don't just sit in the boat and let it wander where ever... get some paddles, decide where you want to go. Make goals...
Okay, enough of my ranting. I'm jumping off the soap box...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I agree about playing musical chairs with kids — not a good thing. We actually waited for me to meet H's grown children until we were engaged, though we gave them some space between the meeting and the news.
Good for you! That shows a lot of respect for the kids.
Yes, manipulating or brooding doesn't help. One of my good friends left her husband and he has been bashing her since the divorce. I'll admit she is definitely not the best role model, and I would hope her kids don't repeat her life. But her XH has really made himself seem much worse. He's just evil. And the sad thing is if he hadn't done all this there may have been a chance of reconciliation. Although his hate for her just permeates his entire being. The whole thing really escalated into something ugly. It's really pretty nightmarish...
I think the point is that as a parent it's important to take extra time and try to teach children healthy and positive life lessons like.... how to choose a spouse (it's not just about a "feeling" there are many factors to consider). And what choices in life have a higher chance of giving one a happy and contented life, rather then a dramatic, difficult and unhappy one. Also, if there are children involved, make them a priority in decisions.
In addition don't just listen to opinion. Look at statistics and research. You don't just learn a great career by feeling or practice, you read, study, go to school, etc... Creating a wonderful life with healthy relationships should be approached similarly. Don't just sit in the boat and let it wander where ever... get some paddles, decide where you want to go. Make goals...
But you are right. X spouses playing musical chairs with families is beyond anyone's control. Everyone just has to try to make the best of a really dysfunctional situation.
Okay, enough of my ranting. I'm jumping off the soap box...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
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Yes, manipulating or brooding doesn't help. One of my good friends left her husband and he has been bashing her since the divorce. I'll admit she is definitely not the best role model, and I would hope her kids don't repeat her life. But her XH has really made himself seem much worse. He's just evil. And the sad thing is if he hadn't done all this there may have been a chance of reconciliation. Although his hate for her just permeates his entire being. The whole thing really escalated into something ugly. It's really pretty nightmarish...
Hi, Root,
Just a question, out of curiosity: Is your knowledge of the actions by your friend's H based on what your friend has told you? Or have you actually spoken to her H? I ask because, to be perfectly frank, I don't think you can safely take the word of a WAS, even if they're your best friend or bff.
My brother's wife (SIL) has a life-long friend who cheated on her H and decided their M had to end. The wayward friend has since tried to tell my SIL that her H was so psychologically abusive of her since before and after the disclosure, including trying to take their children away from her. My SIL said her friend has contradicted herself constantly, failing to recall their conversations in the past about the now LBS. To sum it up, after cross-checking the information with others, my SIL no longer believes her friend -- the "friend" has been maligning her poor H to justify her actions (boy, does that ever sound familiar). SIL is now so distraught because she has lost her best friend to the sins of adultery, and now worries for their poor children.
My knowlege is based on things I know about her husband (I've known him 20 years), things I have heard, and things I have observed (sometimes I run into him and his girlfriend through work functions). Some are actions I've seen, but yes, some things described to me by her, or various others...
By the way you wrote "I don't think you can safely take the word of a WAS, even if they're your best friend or bff."
I'd like to add to that I don't think you can't "safely" or accurately take the word of a WAS or LBS even if they are your BFF. There is always more to every story. Things we don't know, and things twisted to manipulate the listeners feelings one way or another.
One thing I can honestly say about this friend, she has never maligned or spoke badly about her XH to justify her actions. She typically doesn't talk about her XH or say anything bad about him. What I see in him is tremendous anger and hatred. What I see in her is sadness. And yes, she caused it...
Although... interestingly. I'll throw this one in...
About 13 years ago this woman's H had an affair and was going to D her for OW. I know about this because we were friends at the time. Young married couples with babies... and my H had just had is first A so we were able to commiserate and support each other in repairing our marriages. I had always thought she was more successfull at working through it and getting over it. I was the nut...
Now Blues, she could have used that for an excuse for her A and wanting a D. But she didn't. She just said she was unhappy and wanted something different. She even said he was a decent guy, just not what she wanted...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
thanks so much for your support guys! work has been a bear and I was in CPR training all day so right now is the first time I got to read your very supportive posts. Yes, more forgiveness is needed on my part, new forgiveness for what the sitch is now (below is an email I sent my MIL who is in the middle of this mess since stbx pulls her in and out of it all the time, it tells of all that has gone on and it saves me the aggravation of retyping facts that make me mad when I go over them again)
And yes, more detachment is in order, a friend told that I wans't ready to be his friend yet because I was bound to have some expectations, that involving myself yet again in his emotional well being would be detrimental to me, and sure enough it was.
No, I'd never bash stbx to kids, I only answered s10 who came full of questions and was really shocked at what his father was doing, he knows what his dad is doing is wrong and wanted to talk about it and I did agree with him, told him that adults also make wrong choices, that his dad still suffered from depression and that at some degree he wasn't making the best choices right now. I am trying hard to not focus about stbx and her and only on my kids, for a bit I was about to get dragged into the past and wonder how things came to be, but there are too many variables and with stbx's mind still swiss cheese nothing will ever make sense nor fit in a perfect bundle.
--------- Mrs Xxxx, I'll just give you a quick overview of the situation with the kids and that woman, just so you'll understand how kids (mainly s10) feels, I honestly dont' care what stbx does anymore, he is truly dead to me, not because he choose another woman (ok, that bothers me a little bet)but mostly because of his hurtful disregard of the children's feelings, a person like that is just not worth it for me.
S10 is shocked she stays the night, she stayed over the entire time kids were there and according to Xxxx she will be there most of the time. S10 is upset they keep kissing in front of him, has asked Xxx to stop but he says "she is kissing me" and she thinks it is funny so she does it just to have fun at his expense, Xxx said that he's just going to have to get used to it. S10 just came out and said "it's too fast! I can't believe he introduced her to us and the same day she stayed the night!, if dad ever marries her I want to stay with you only mom". Xxx told me that s10 either accepts it or doesnt', that my idea of "morals" is a brainwash and that the kids will grow up with their own values and ideas. Has told s10 he'll be dating which means if he has another girlfriend after this one he doesn't see any harm in bringing her to stay the night like with this one.
All in all he doesnt' believe in being morals nor being a good example, that the kids will believe what they want to believe and that before choosing a partner he will live with that person first.
As much as I can I'll try to keep kids with me, it makes me sick to think of them around those two. She does cook for them and fixed s5's hair, for the time being looks like she is ok around them, it's just the lack of values and shame that make me not want have kids around them. There are worse things, I know, at least he did take kids out when he had them, so I'll try to look at things in the best positive light I can.
Thank heavens my two little ones believe in God and as little as they are they have faith and that makes me very happy, I know God will take care of them wherever they go.
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Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
