H called at 5:45 to say he would be at our house at 6:05, tonight (as always on Wed.) is my night class which starts at SIX...
He was complaining about traffic, stupid drivers, etc. etc.
I validated, said all you can do is all you can do, get here when you can, it will be fine, etc. Really, it is not good to be late to a class that only meets once a week, but I decided it wasn't worth getting angry over. That wouldn't get him home any faster or make my night any more enjoyable.
I have to ask, is that me being understanding/loving, or me being a wimp? Had the shoe been on the other foot I am sure he would have been pi$$ed.
He admitted at Retro that being late to things makes him crazy and when we rush around like maniacs to get to church on time, he gets so mad and would rather not go to church than to go late...
Truth is, I guess, I am NOT mad. I don't really care. Crap happens, he was late. I wonder if he is at all surprised that I DIDN'T make a big deal about it...
OH well, time to pay attention to the extremely boring presentation by a girl who seems to be struggling to read the sentences SHE wrote on the outline...
Hi BobbiJo- you sure seem to be getting a lot of my focus today. haha. I hope at the close of this day for you and Dan that you can both catch your breath and chalk up the needed experience from it and then get good rest for the next one.
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
Thank you so much, tomato. I have written to H in our dialogue sessions in the past that one strength I have is the willingness to load up my family on my back, so to speak, and carry them through any troubles.
This seems a little concerning to me. How did Dan respond to that remark when it was made ..did he likewise consider it to be a strength of yours? It is great that you have a willingness to rise to the occasion and (to coin the phrase of you Midwesterner's) "get er' done". It sure seems like, from my POV, that there have been stretches of time where things would have certainly gone in the toatally "in the crapper" if you hadn't taken the initiative to be the savior of the family so to speak. Don't know if I am spot on or not? But once things settle down in the family health department and the in-laws are getting a clean bill of health, then it will be time to ensure that Dan is made to feel that he is as much the head of the household as he elects to be. Maybe this is not the issue that I seem to be making it out to be. Don't know but perhaps worth examining. Is there a chance that he might really feel like you have encroached on space that he should be occupying. Maybe he reached the point of resignation on this potential matter and it should be revisited and maybe some shake-up of roles and responsibilities is in order. When the time is right you may have to lose some of that zeal and willingness to repeatedly take charge in so many areas. I will leave it at that and see what you think about my remarks.
Originally Posted By: BBJ
I just got a new Devotional book today, going to try it out tonight before bed. Thought I should focus myself a little more...
this is great news. I am glad you did that. When is the last time you & Dan prayed together?
Originally Posted By: BBJ
Thanks for the prayers, my sister has me up on the prayer wall at her church. I could use all the help I can get! Again, thanks for the support, T.
You can always expect my help and support now matter how minimal.
So, H and I don't really pray together. We pray before meals together, otherwise we pray individually, he hasn't ever been comfortable with praying together...
T, I didn't mean that "carry our family on my back" quite the way it came out I guess. I consider my husband to be the leader of our household, my understanding of the Bible is that anything with two heads in not as nature intended. (Literally, anything with two heads is a monster) H knows that. In fact, at our wedding I wanted Ephesians 5 to be read, where it tells wives to submit to their husbands, and husbands to honor their wives.
My H was shocked by that, surprised that I would want such an "old-fashioned" verse. So we went with his first choice/my second choice, Corinthians (Love is patient, love is kind, etc). Maybe that should have been an indicator of trouble to come??
I have always expected/wanted my Husband to be the head of the home. I have wanted him to lead, and that is what is so disappointing in this whole thing, he is NOT leading us as a family and doing things like having Affairs is not being a model for his children of what a father/husband should be.
I consider what I do in terms of carrying the family to be different than "wearing the pants". For example, when my son was in the hospital for 3 days at 8 months old, I stayed at the hospital the entire time, day and night. I was not going to leave him. My H had to bring me clothes, I only went for food if H was there to "cover" for me. When they had to try 5 times to start an IV on S, H had to leave, he couldn't take it. I WANTED to be the one to help the nurses hold him down/comfort him. (Sounds twisted when I type it... )
Maybe it is a bit of a martyr complex, I have learned that about myself over the past two years. I will do anything for my family and I would rather be the one to make the sacrifices, etc. than to have H do it. I can admit that I have struggled with that need to be the martyr...
When I say I can carry the family on my back I guess to me it means my strength in God is strong, (H has often commented on how much faith I have when he has hardly any, same goes for hope)I trust in Him to get us through and I will 'tough up' and do what needs to be done to get through rough spots.
But in terms of trying to "run the show", that is not how I view my place in our M....sometimes H has said that is more of the problem, that I WANT him to lead too much...
Hey BBJ, As I stated before, I am not a religious man but believe in the goodness of people in general. You are good people. On the wimp issue, I read a book a while back about sweating the small stuff.... I think I will have to reread it. I / we need to stop fcusing on the small everyday things that annoy us. We have much bigger fish to fry. You are doing a great job BBJ, please stop being so hard on yourself. You (perhaps more than anyone else I follow) have gone above and beyond the call of duty. Regardless how this all plays out, you have gained everyone's respect. How many times have you read you are awesome BBJ? That is an understatement.
On the wimp issue, I read a book a while back about sweating the small stuff
Quote:
we need to stop fcusing on the small everyday things that annoy us. We have much bigger fish to fry.
amen brother..tell it all..
Quote:
You are doing a great job BBJ, please stop being so hard on yourself. You (perhaps more than anyone else I follow) have gone above and beyond the call of duty. Regardless how this all plays out, you have gained everyone's respect. How many times have you read you are awesome BBJ? That is an understatement.
now John, step back, pick up the 2x4 and warp her with it..she does not believe it evidently..no matter how loud we yell it.
also BBj..I think Tomato makes some really good points in the last few posts he has made to you. Reread those posts.. I think there are things you can take from those posts that will help you.
BBJ..... do I have to break out the "be positive" here as well? I thought that was reserved just for my buddy John. Not for my butt kicking cheerleading hottie teacher of a lil sis. Come on....
Dan doesn't know what he wants BBJ. If you step up and "lead" he won't like that either. Stop beating yourself up. You aren't doing anything wrong. The only thing broke is him....
I guess I know without asking he hasn't gone to IC has he?
I read through Coach's posts last night. He recently reconciled with his W. This led to links about what works/what doesn't, what is important (living your life, loving your kids, making yourself happy) and what isn't (trying to analyze everything your spouse does, trying to help them, get inside their heads, etc.).
So I went home from night class and H was on the couch, I was upbeat and happy b/c I had enjoyed class last night, which is good b/c sometimes it is really boring...Anyway I was chipper and got myself some leftovers. H got up to go to the farm and check cows, I thought he'd left so I ran some clothes down to the laundry/bath in the basement. He was in there, so I left them outside the door.
I went back upstairs, H came up the stairs like he was looking for something. He looked at me then looked to see what I was watching while I ate (soap opera--cheesy!) and went back down the stairs. No idea what he wanted...
I heard the basement door shut and garage door go up. I went back downstairs to put the laundry in, ran up for more and came back down. Just about ran into h in the basement hall. I said, "Thought you were gone..." H said not yet. He came in and out a couple times, finally left so I got back to sorting clothes. A family in our town just lost everything in a fire yesterday and has 4 yr old twins. So I loaded up everything S6 had in a size 4T to take to school with me...
H came back while I was boxing up the clothes, he lay down on the couch and started watching family guy. I laughed along with him, then we watched scrubs and it was funny, too. We used to do that a lot, watch scrubs after the kids went to bed.
So when I was ready for bed at midnight of course he was still on the couch. I said goodnight, he said I'll be in in just a minute. I just said, "uh-huh" in a joking tone. Then I said "The bed is much better than the couch" H said why, I said, "B/c you get to cuddle with me!" and then I just went to bed. Didn't beg, plead, nag, etc.
At 1:15 [censored] (D2) got up, apparently had wet the bed. I didn't know that, but I heard something that woke me up. Got up and heard H and D in the bathroom, thought she just got up to go potty. Ran past the bathroom into kitchen so D wouldn't see me. Went back to bed after I heard H put her to bed, and HE was in bed in our bed...
I crawled in, said goodnight, and left it at that...
OK so that was a long ramble. I am just saying, I am focusing on me and my kids and my life like I should have been doing all along. And no, Woog, he hasn't gone to IC...
Just a note--FIL has his appt. with the oncologist today in about 45 minutes. If anyone gets a chance, send a prayer his way. His name is LeVerne. (very midwestern name, huh?)I am hoping they have something positive to say or at the very least a good solid plan of action...
I agree, Woog. His problems are not my problems, unless/until he asks me for help/support and then it will be my decision whether or not I want to approach the drowning man...
At this point I have taken more of the approach of "Wow, drowning must suck....hope you figure out how to get out of the water cause I'm not comin in..."
Grown-ups are capable of helping themselves. I will take care of the little ones, THEY need my help.........
