Hi Sweetie, well like you , I grew up in a home where there was no drinking. I never have been in a bar or around anyone drinking except maybe a time or two and that was a beer, so I am very much a "prude" and know very little about the subject. However, I would be very concerned about the safety of the children, b/c by going from what I have read & watched on TV, people that hit rock bottom usually do not realize how low they have gotten when somebody gets hurt. So, I would seek advice about how to protect the boys. Also, if he moves in with the OW and not legally M to her, isn't there something that could be done about exposing the children to that environment? I don't know if it matters what state you live in or not. Now days, it seems so common until it might get laughed out of court, but I would at least ask my lawyer to see if anything could be done. He needs to be more responsible (since he is such a great dad) about his drinking around his children. If he gets drunk enough, he won't realize he isn't in any condition to drive......that is why drunks put up such a fuss when you try to take their keys.....right? I'm probably scaring you to death and that isn't my intentions here, but you know me.....Ms. Reality! If he is depressed, drinking heavely and his personaility is up and down from one day to the next....it doesn't sound too good to me, but of course, I am not a professional about any of it. I don't think your H would intentionally do anything to hurt one of his sons, but when you are depressed or drinking, I don't think you are really in your right mind, so ot speak (if it gets bad enough) but when both are going full speed in both areas, I think the red flags are waving. You may want to talk to the Pastor at your new church or counselor, if you don't want to bring it up to a lawyer yet. I would suggest to try to get some advice from someone that has knowledge in this area.
As far as the change in his personality from nice to cold, I think that could be a lot of guilt on his part.....or it may be this other working on him. Could be a number of things, but have you noticed if he always seems to be gumpy when you suspect he has been with the OW? I don't mean that you say anything....just that the guilt may be eating at him after he has been with her and being around you brings all this to the surface.
You were talking about him changing and I think another person said that his heavy drinking will cause his personality to change to the point that he will be nothing like the man you once loved. I know that must break your heart. To lose the man you love......but yet you know he still is out there....that is one thing, but to lose the man you love and know he is gone forever......is like a death. Remember my story of how I grieved over the fact that my H was no longer the "boy" I fell in love with when I was a teenager? I did not realize what was wrong for a long time. I felt so sad. Then it finally dawned on me that I kept thinking back to how he was when we were so young and first in love. I realized that I was "grieving" for that boy I had loved b/c this man I was M to was not that person anymore. I cried my heart out when I finally came to understand that was what was wrong. I wanted him back so badly and even now I am crying b/c I miss him so much. But, life causes most of us to change. I have change a lot more than he has and if he would open up and talk to me, there is no telling what I would hear come out of his mouth about me.
I have been to a lot of weddings and I look at those young couples and think......"Oh if only they would stay this much in love with each other." He looks at her like he worships her as though she were a godess. Her face glows with happiness b/c her heart is so full of love for him.....her prince charming. Each of them think that the other one can do no wrong and would fight anybody that said otherwise. Isn't it sad that it doesn't stay that way?
So, sweetheart, life is a b*tch sometimes......most of the times for some of us. But, God is still on His throne. No matter what would go on in my family's life or in the world events, that would be the answer my wise father would always say...."But God is still on His throne".....meaning He is still in control. So, we can pray and ask God to have an angel to protect your sons from harm. There is a scripture about a "wall of fire" that God puts around us to protect us......and that is what we can pray for your babies.
You know Amy, that God doesn't want to see you hurting like this, don't you? He is not happy with your H for what he has done to this family. I think another reason for seeing the ups and downs in the mood swings may have something to do with things that God may have weighing heavily on your H's heart. But, I'm sure your H would never tell you that. So, try to go with God's timing, b/c the "enemy" is fighting for your H also, and your h is being pulled between what is right and what is wrong.
When you spoke of young children not being affected quite as badly as older children of divorced parents, I know you are trying to convince yourself of that. I think I told you that my D separated from her H before the baby was born, so my GS never knew what it was like to have his parents together. But, I remember well when he went through a stage that he wanted that so badly. I suppose all kids do. For one thing, his dad never gave him any of his time like he gave to his other children by his second M. I think just not having his dad in his life did more hurt than just the fact that his parents were not together. So, as long as your H will try to stay sober and continue to be a good father......hopefully they will be okay. But don't be suprised if there comes a period in their life that they hit a "rough" spot and may need some help getting through it......if this all leads to D. It hasn't.....yet.
Well, I made up for last night, didn't I? (lol) I suppose I could talk to you all day. Who knows, maybe some day we will meet in person. I would love that. You are still my adopted D!
Take care, sweetie. Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
