Wow, what an article. i feel like he is writing abt my M and knows us intimately. Thanks for posting.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
my H hasn't called since my breakdown Sunday, only 3 days going on 4 and this is the longest we've ever gone.. odd is I miss him so much .. I guess b/c of the kids we've had to keep contact so I know everyday or so I'm talking with him... now that I haven't I miss him... I know I need this time so I can get to the point T2L says where I can interact without all the emotion and start DBing better... right now I'm just so hurt.
AND he is suppose to watch the girls every weekend for one day and night and we hadn't set up which day this weekend he'd be doing this... I have a feeling he won't call, he won't offer to see the girls, and my D4 has been asking for him... when is daddy coming home? When will I see Daddy again? I just try to distract her...
I do have better days but I can't imagine seeing the good in all this, the purpose.... so painful and lonely.
hanging on so I can get strength to fight for our marriage....
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
Hi TxMom, I experienced the same not seeing H from Friday through yesterday with NC. I kept busy but it was very difficult thinking about him leading this separate life with OW.
Sunday is a learning lesson, the more we push the more they pull -- away. Today is Thursday give H a chance to call. He will be expecting "more of the same" behavior and you can't give it to him. I know you can't imagine how H can not see his girls but they are out of it. It has been 3 weeks since my D15 stopped talking to her father and except for a few text messages he has not done anything. H talked about going to C and following up on how to deal with this -- instead he spends more time with OW.
If need be tell your D4 that Daddy can't get to a phone and is away (we know it is mentally), and then give her an activity. My heart goes out to you.
Hang on. It is a very lonely journey. My prayers are with you.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I talked to a few friends and some had some great examples of how it was when there parents split... said most guys if you give them space and expect them to lead the way especially with the kids they won't. My H is co-dependant on me and I never really new that until now... he follows my lead and does what I might ask.. for the most part .. and if I don't ask he won't ask either.. I'm realizing if I continue to wait for him to call his kids or schedule time with them he probably won't...
I have a business lunch appt Friday and my neighbor who picks my girl up at school can't do it.. I text H earlier and just asked if he could pick her up tomorrow.. he text back and said YES... that was it... but I don't want to talk to him I need some time for myself b/c my girls are so young I can't get anything done on the weekends... when my youngest starts crawling I definitely won't have time, also I want his kids to see him... if he doesn't offer this weekend to watch them the I won't push... but eventually I probably will have to take the lead on the kind of Dad he'll be to my girls - I just wish he'd step up...
Different for me as we have such little babies so I do need help and they do need him... not everyday but accountable couple times during the week.. Your girls are older and can speak for themselves so you need to follow there lead with there dad... but still see how he is responding... not stepping up either....
we'll see what happens
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
Got this song off MC thread.... love it and I might send to H.. we both love music and the words are so good... youtube link at the bottom...
"Tommorrow" Sixx AM
Where ya gonna be tomorrow? How ya gonna face the sorrow? Where ya gonna be when you die? 'Cause nothing's gonna last forever And things they change like the weather They're gone in the blink of an eye
Just look at yourself, can you see where you are? Look at yourself, now you can't hide the scars Just look at yourself 'cause there's nowhere to go And you know
Tomorrow You're gonna have to live with the things you say Tomorrow You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today Tomorrow... And everything you do, it's coming back for you You'll never outrun what waits for you Tomorrow.
And are you terrified by sadness And have you given into madness You're running out of places to hide 'Cause everybody's got a reason To justify how they're feelin' Maybe you should open your eyes
Just look at yourself, do you like what you see? Look at yourself, is this how it should be? Just look at yourself, 'cause there's nowhere to go And you'll know
Tomorrow You're gonna have to live with the things you say Tomorrow You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today Tomorrow... And everything you do, it's coming back for you You'll never outrun what waits for you Tomorrow.
Are you waiting for the reason to change? Are you waiting for the end, has it came? Nothing's gonna stand in your way...
Just look at yourself, do you like what you see? Look at yourself, is this how it should be?
Tomorrow You're gonna have to live with the things you say Tomorrow You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today Tomorrow... And everything you do, it's coming back for you You'll never outrun what waits for you Tomorrow.
Hi TxMom, I too am from Dallas (Plano) and have been reading your threads since you started here. I think about your sitch all the time and I think you are doing a great job staying strong.
I know it is hard, but try not to think about what he is doing, just work on you and your babies for a while. He will do what he will do and you have no control over that. Control what you can...you.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
I'm in Allen and moved here a year ago from Plano.. so we are neighbors... I will read up on your thread too... I've popped on and off before but will check it out... our sitch happened around the same time.. my H moved out 9/22 just no D filed yet..
somedays I'm better at not worrying about what H does and somedays it bothers me for the kids...
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
I know you are lonely and I know how hard it is to control those thoughts, but I think sometimes even our minds make things seems worse than they are. I know for sure that all our spouses are in a torn position. They know deep down inside when all is quiet what they are doing is wrong. Our mind can paint this picture that they are having such a fabulous time but in truth, yes maybe at first but I don't think it stays that way. I know you feel lonely, I understand that. I didn't talk to my H for almost 5 months until Oct 3rd when I implemented Plan A of SAA book. So believe me I understand lonely. This is where self care and GAL'ing are crucial to you having the strength and perseverance to be able to do this, if you so choose. I can understand wanting the marriage and then not wanting the marriage. I did the same things and I think that's why everything I've read suggest to not make any long term decisions for at least 1 year. It took me 5 1/2 months to decide for sure that I want to try and make it to that year mark to decide.
There can be a million whys and a million different pictures your mind can give you over this and ultimately it's just going to rob your joy and any peace that you can possibly have during this time. So if you can control your mind and just switch thoughts or practice thought stopping. Its hard but very possible.
Ok I know you say that H is co-dependent and waits on you but had you thought about this. How co-dependent is he if he pursued the OW and all with out your help. He did this all by his little old self and didn't take your lead on it either.
I agree with the other post. Control what you can control and thats you and the babies. I know you want your lil ones to have a good father but you can't make him do that. He's gonna do what he wants unfortunately so be the best mom you can until he comes out of the fog. You can talk til your blue in the face about his parenting but your going to be spinning your wheels. All common sense and rational thinking leave during an affair and no matter how hard you try it doesn't change until some fog lifts. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is have NO EXPECTATIONS from your spouse until fog lifts and this will help save your sanity. You won't get hurt because you have no expectations of being a normal adult.
So take care of yourself and babies. Hire a teenager to come babysit for an hour or so during the week so you can GAL.
When he comes to watch the kids on weekend, be very cheerful, confident and say Oh I'm so glad your here, thank him for the help I gotta go thanks and walk out the door. Limit the contact until negative emotions are reduced.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
TxMom--Thanks for all the support. I appreciate you and everyone else more than you can imagine. Hope you have a great weekend. I saw it was going to be 73 in Dallas today. Thought of you and James! Wish it were so, here with me and Bg. Take care of your little gals.
{{{{LE}}}}
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
