Thanks SPM. All I want is to hear exactly what you have just said. I know you feel like a broken record (but) it does sink in a bit.
I know i torture myself thinking the worst. i know that if he has chosen another path , there is not a darn thing i can do about it. I feel that I have to heal myself, I feel that strongly and i know what I have to do.
Sometimes during the day I actually do find that my head is hanging. i stand up tall. For the first time in my life I realise that I should be more aware of my feelings and the consequent actions they provoke. I try to pull my socks up and sometimes I can lift out of it.
At the end of the day, I want my marriage back. I am petrified of doing something that will put that goal in jeopardy, yet I know how can making yourself a better person and leaving the other one alone - be doing wrong.
He knows where I am, he has a memory bank , if he wanted he could very easily contact me ( even if i have said not to ). He chooses not to. i am not his choice and i need to accept that. It does not mean it is all over.
Surely it is natural to torture yourself over what might be happening when there is another person. I cant just switch off. People tell me that it will go away as I move through this grieving process. I wish it would go away now. Impatient Impatient Impatient
I realise sitting here that it wont go away if I dont let it. i am waiting for H to come and take that feeling away when all i really have to work on is myself ! Sounds easier to write than do!
