Things are settling down...not sure that's good!

[Amy M]

I know...I'm panicked!! He's always been a drinker. But, he always reserved his alcohol for the weekends. He'd drink a few beers at home on Friday and more than a few at home on Saturday, but that was it. If he was out at the bars, there was always an issue...he'd drink till he couldn't drink more...like he just couldn't stop. I always used the term "social alcoholic" without really knowing if that's what he was or not. But, I was always there to get us home, so, it never really impacted him...either his work or his home life.

Because I grew up in a household where there was no drinking, I never knew if my concerns were really valid. You know, you're always afraid of what you don't know about. So, before he left, he was drinking a little more...sometimes on Thursday night. But, nothing really alarming.

The first time I noticed he was drinking while he had the boys was right after he moved out, and he and I were still "getting together." He called and I went over, and by the time I got there, he'd had a lot to drink. I said something...that night and the next day when he was sober. Both times he blew it off. He said he never drank before they went to bed, and he wasn't drinking that much. I guess I believed him...I wanted to. And, I guess I thought that time it was okay since he knew I'd be there anyway.

So, this morning's the first time I really noticed how bad it might be. I'm worried the smell doesn't come from drinking a few beers...that he either consumed a case, or he's drinking hard liquor.

I've asked him several times to make sure that S6 knows his address and how to dial 911 from his phone...in case there's an accident or something.

I know talking to him about it isn't going to get me anywhere. He's going to get angry with me about it and tell me that I'm overreacting. I can ask him not to drink when he has the kids, but I can't enforce that if I don't know about it. I know he doesn't drive with them when he's been drinking (yet, anyway).

I don't know what to do. That's what led to the fight this morning and my offer to do the settlement. I think I was trying to shock him into some self-examination. Didn't happen...now he just thinks I'm a crazy B*%$H who's out to get him.

And, the suicide comment was very out of character. He was saying that he wasn't planning it, but for him to even go there was scary to me. I wasn't even thinking that...he brought it up! I was actually thinking that he was planning to increase his life insurance because OW was pregnant or something.

The business is somewhat recession proof...he supplies oxygen to old people. Oxygen is needed whether the economy's good or not, and most of his payment comes from insurance. I know there's a lot of stress though...he's moving into the new building and he'll have to take over payments of the building. He's gonna have to pay me lots of money on top of that to buy me out. So, I know that's what's going on. That's kind of sad to me. His family is falling apart (at his own hands) and the thing that's keeping him up at night is likely how he's gonna pay for the new office building.

Okay, so, do I just watch and wait? Do I make a point to smell him each time he comes over? If we have less contact, then I know less and less about his problems. I can't imagine I could stop him from getting the boys at this point. There's no proof he's endangered them. I'd end up looking like the crazy B$#*H he thinks I am.

Thanks, guys. I was sick over the whole interaction, and I thought maybe it was just cause I was having trouble letting him go...it's good to be reassured that as a mom I should have been sick over it...detached from him or not!

Amy

[Amy M]

LE...thanks for the sinus headache advice. I'll take it!!! I did get some drugs that helped!!!

Amy

[Babygirl]

amy read this scripture today, hit the nail on the head I think

Hardhearted people are hopelessly confused. Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him. They have no sense of shame. They live for lustful pleasure and eagerly practice every kind of impurity. (Eph. 4:17-19)

[kelaaron]

Amy, I to agree with MC. I was wondering with all of the talk of finances in case, that something was really going on and that he might be in a really bad place. Please keep listening if he is talking to you and take care of those babies.

[Little Engine]

React out of love. Advice I would do well to take.

[TxMomw/2girls]

Amy,

I agree, my H did lots of drinking, every night when I first found out of the A and around the kids etc... I told him same thing you can't drink even when the kids are asleep, what if something happened and you didn't wake up to help them.

I would pay attention, closly and everytime he has the kids reiterate that you would appreciate his respect and not drink when he has kid duty... they come first in this situation... who cares what he thinks about you... you would never forgive yourself if something ever did happen. if you start to notice a pattern then have another talk, out of love like LE said, with him... watch and listen

BG - love the scripture... boy that is my husband too... thanks

Sorry this morning started off so bad... and take the advise you give me... when we are up it is great but we need to get to a point where our H's moods and behavior don't determine our moods or behavior... not easy. My H is the same and it is becasue the are confused, and this double life can't be easy.... I wouldn't want it.

hang in there - praying for you

[sandi2]

Hi Sweetie, well like you , I grew up in a home where there was no drinking. I never have been in a bar or around anyone drinking except maybe a time or two and that was a beer, so I am very much a "prude" and know very little about the subject. However, I would be very concerned about the safety of the children, b/c by going from what I have read & watched on TV, people that hit rock bottom usually do not realize how low they have gotten when somebody gets hurt. So, I would seek advice about how to protect the boys. Also, if he moves in with the OW and not legally M to her, isn't there something that could be done about exposing the children to that environment? I don't know if it matters what state you live in or not. Now days, it seems so common until it might get laughed out of court, but I would at least ask my lawyer to see if anything could be done. He needs to be more responsible (since he is such a great dad) about his drinking around his children. If he gets drunk enough, he won't realize he isn't in any condition to drive......that is why drunks put up such a fuss when you try to take their keys.....right? I'm probably scaring you to death and that isn't my intentions here, but you know me.....Ms. Reality! If he is depressed, drinking heavely and his personaility is up and down from one day to the next....it doesn't sound too good to me, but of course, I am not a professional about any of it. I don't think your H would intentionally do anything to hurt one of his sons, but when you are depressed or drinking, I don't think you are really in your right mind, so ot speak (if it gets bad enough) but when both are going full speed in both areas, I think the red flags are waving. You may want to talk to the Pastor at your new church or counselor, if you don't want to bring it up to a lawyer yet. I would suggest to try to get some advice from someone that has knowledge in this area.

As far as the change in his personality from nice to cold, I think that could be a lot of guilt on his part.....or it may be this other working on him. Could be a number of things, but have you noticed if he always seems to be gumpy when you suspect he has been with the OW? I don't mean that you say anything....just that the guilt may be eating at him after he has been with her and being around you brings all this to the surface.

You were talking about him changing and I think another person said that his heavy drinking will cause his personality to change to the point that he will be nothing like the man you once loved. I know that must break your heart. To lose the man you love......but yet you know he still is out there....that is one thing, but to lose the man you love and know he is gone forever......is like a death. Remember my story of how I grieved over the fact that my H was no longer the "boy" I fell in love with when I was a teenager? I did not realize what was wrong for a long time. I felt so sad. Then it finally dawned on me that I kept thinking back to how he was when we were so young and first in love. I realized that I was "grieving" for that boy I had loved b/c this man I was M to was not that person anymore. I cried my heart out when I finally came to understand that was what was wrong. I wanted him back so badly and even now I am crying b/c I miss him so much. But, life causes most of us to change. I have change a lot more than he has and if he would open up and talk to me, there is no telling what I would hear come out of his mouth about me.

I have been to a lot of weddings and I look at those young couples and think......"Oh if only they would stay this much in love with each other." He looks at her like he worships her as though she were a godess. Her face glows with happiness b/c her heart is so full of love for him.....her prince charming. Each of them think that the other one can do no wrong and would fight anybody that said otherwise. Isn't it sad that it doesn't stay that way?

So, sweetheart, life is a b*tch sometimes......most of the times for some of us. But, God is still on His throne. No matter what would go on in my family's life or in the world events, that would be the answer my wise father would always say...."But God is still on His throne".....meaning He is still in control. So, we can pray and ask God to have an angel to protect your sons from harm. There is a scripture about a "wall of fire" that God puts around us to protect us......and that is what we can pray for your babies.

You know Amy, that God doesn't want to see you hurting like this, don't you? He is not happy with your H for what he has done to this family. I think another reason for seeing the ups and downs in the mood swings may have something to do with things that God may have weighing heavily on your H's heart. But, I'm sure your H would never tell you that. So, try to go with God's timing, b/c the "enemy" is fighting for your H also, and your h is being pulled between what is right and what is wrong.

When you spoke of young children not being affected quite as badly as older children of divorced parents, I know you are trying to convince yourself of that. I think I told you that my D separated from her H before the baby was born, so my GS never knew what it was like to have his parents together. But, I remember well when he went through a stage that he wanted that so badly. I suppose all kids do. For one thing, his dad never gave him any of his time like he gave to his other children by his second M. I think just not having his dad in his life did more hurt than just the fact that his parents were not together. So, as long as your H will try to stay sober and continue to be a good father......hopefully they will be okay. But don't be suprised if there comes a period in their life that they hit a "rough" spot and may need some help getting through it......if this all leads to D. It hasn't.....yet.

Well, I made up for last night, didn't I? (lol) I suppose I could talk to you all day. Who knows, maybe some day we will meet in person. I would love that. You are still my adopted D!

Take care, sweetie.
Sandi

[Little Engine]

Amy--I might miss you before you leave tomorrow for SATX. I wish you a safe trip, good times and a successful run. I'll be cheering for you as you cross the finish line! God bless you for all the support and advice you've given me.

LE

[Amy M]

Just stopping by to say..."Good weekend to all!!" I'm excited about my trip. First time I've been excited about something in a while...that feels good.

Don't be expecting an award winning finish...I've got a sore shin, and I didn't train hard the last 3 weeks cause I twisted my ankle when I fell...yea...it's best to make excuses before the run!!!

So, I'll run as much as I can safely run. I'll walk the rest. I'll have a good time, and I'll think about you guys. I'll have my computer with me (for some work stuff on Monday). So, if I have a minute, I'll check in here.

LE and MC, thanks for the run support!!!

Sandi, James, BG, Kel, SMW, LE, MC, TxMom!!! Thanks for all your support on everything else. I feel good today. My life might just turn out to be more fun without H in it!

Love you guys so much!!!

Amy

[Babygirl]

hey sis, have a great time, and kick some butt safely in the run. I am glad today is good for you.
love ya sis