Worse before Better?

[Sophie]

Ah…such nice familiar names. Hi Val and Snodderly 

Thank you helping me think through this.

I worked on most things that have been pointed out to me concerning resentment, letting go….etc. My three kids got me going to church after their vacation bible school and that has helped me detach and just live my life doing what makes me feel good. I truly feel I have my life back…the life I had before kids. I am a runner, I’ve been running 4+ miles a day 5-7 days a week. I work full time (part time pay though), teaching on line, I am the parent of my kids and I have become so comfortable with ‘as if’ that I just ‘am’.

I remembered an idea brought to me here on this board that my H probably saw me as an obstacle to his kids , that we were a package deal. I understand he and I couldn’t reconnect like that. I just had enough and dropped the rope like it was too hot to touch. I have done absolutely nothing but go about my business and H has seen, spent time with the kids whenever and wherever he wanted to.

After a couple weeks, he ended up spending most of his time with them here….in this house. Sometimes, I’d hang around…but, bottom line…I did what I wanted to do…run, work, call a friend on the phone, make dinner for the kids, snacks …. If H wanted to partake, he did. I treated him as I would my nice neighbor.

I have NOT responded to his email. So far, I haven’t felt it deserves a response. After two days of thinking, thinking and reading pages of posts I have copied from (your suggestion, Snodderly) Stages of MLC Through the Eyes of a Visitor I and II)….I think H is panicking and acting like a child and you’re right….’mom’ didn’t rescue him…and so, I get a threat.

I started to suggest he open a separate checking account that he and I can write checks to pay these bills and his body reacted as if I asked him to take out the trash. Too much effort!

I gave the checks back and said I didn’t want to get into fights with him over money. I told him that he has been doing a pretty good job with the bills for almost 3 years.

I’m a little bummed to hear he hasn’t been at this very long…it’s been 3 years.

When he left 3 years ago, he was higher than a kite. A new place, his 69 camaro, his fast motorcycle. Now, all is sold…gone. He said he has nothing left to sell. He doesn’t have enough money coming in. I know what he makes, he’s always been honest about that.

In one breath he says he knows I don’t have any more money to contribute, and the next day he’s asking me what I pay for and where does all my money go?????

Other than throwing out the divorce threat, I have looked for all the signs of OW…I remember them clearly from the first time. He has spent so much time here, the kids have been at his place and it is a mess…no lady touch there!

In this state, which is a fault state, he disserted us. He has left me taking care of everything, and to raise the kids.

H committed adultery and if only separated, which we are not legally, he can still be charged with that if he is dating anyone now.

I don’t see how he is going to benefit by a divorce. I think he may have filed something a while back to ensure his rights to see his kids. He threatened to do that last May.

I agree, the man child tried to bring his responsibilities to me to take care of…to rescue him. I didn’t/couldn’t.

Again, he is at the bottom of the pit financially. I think he is panicking and I’m not going to help him maintain his bachelor pad.

There aren’t very many solutions in this case.
He can get a roommate…he said he doesn’t want to do that.
He could have moved here…he said he doesn’t want to do that.
He could find a cheaper place…but, he already has one of the cheapest places.
What’s left??

A divorce? That’s his solution???? Even if I get served, that won’t help him in the coming month, or months pay bills.

He’s up a creek.

[Sophie]

Just a question...or thought...

If H needs something from me, like money, to help him out, how in the world does he think (threatening) telling me he filed for divorce is going to get me to do anything for him???

H must think a divorce is going to force some money his way???

In this state, a fault state, he disserted us. H has left me in charge and with full responsiblity for our 3 kids. I've had to do everything for 3 years ( and even before he moved out).

H will not come out ahead if he divorces me. Even if we have to sell the house...or he just surrenders it to me in order to get out of the mortgage...he still isn't going to benenfit financially in the coming months by filing for a divorce.

H needs money NOW.

H is angry.

In church Sunday we talked about when we are under pressure what is inside of us comes out...like a balloon.

We talked about the importance of living God's way, living in His Glory so that we are under pressure we will be better things will come out of us in order to deal with it.

H is under pressure and I see fear, anger.....and other scary stuff.

[Valeria]

Sophie

Dr. Phil says that anger = fear + hurt and/or frustration.

IMO, your H thinks he wants a D but is fearful of losing his money/property to you in court. He angrily blames you for the situation that he put himself in. He knows he screwed up but will never admit it to himself. So he tries to manipulate you to find a way to ease his fear.

Be prepared for it to get worse.

Pre-MLC, my H was the most generous man in the world. He made good money. I naively thought at the beginning of this roller coaster ride that money would never be an issue with us. Then .. he began drinking and lost his job. He got fired from subsequent jobs. All the while, he continued to spend money like water and maxed out his credit cards.

Now, we're D'd but money remains a constant source of contention between us. He offered a generous settlement in court because he was afraid that we would go to trial. I accepted his offer but I knew it would be an on-going problem .. and it has. I have lost count of the drunken phone calls I get from him every month like clockwork, in which he calls me a greedy b**** and worse. I no longer listen to his drunken tirades.

Does he think that calling me names will help his case? Truth be known, I would willingly work with him to ease the financial burden if he would level with me in a respectful way. But as long as he is disrespectful towards me, I will not budge. (I'm beyond trying to salvage this marriage so I don't cut him much slack anymore).

Snodderly is right when she talks about projection. Whatever he accuses you of doing, he is probably doing himself.

Be careful and be wary. I know you love your H but you must protect yourself and your kids foremost.

[Sophie]

I'm in shock...I just received the D papers...they are pretty short.

What do I do now????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Call my mom, I guess.

[Andabelle]

Can you counter-file? I'm sure he's not giving his dissertion/adultery as grounds. What does it say-- irreconcilable differences?

So sorry, Sophie.

[Valeria]

It might not mean anything, Sophie. After he thinks about it, he could drop the D (like my H did), or he could sit on it for months (or a year) and not do anything.

Or he might move forward.

You should talk to your lawyer, just to be prepared for however it goes.

Talking to your mom is a good idea.

Hugs, Sophie.

[Sophie]

thanks for talking to me....I'm scared and nervous but I didn't do anything wrong and this comes at a time where H has hit rock bottom financially.

The papers don't give any reason...just that we have lived seperate for over a year. (H spends a lot of time here...I guess that doesn't count)

The paper is so vague that it forces me to get a lawyer. It asks for 'responsibility for the care and custody of the minor children and that I pay support for the care of the minor children.

I've been doing that since he left!

The part that scares me is the cover page that says
...that unless within 21 days after serving...a response is made by filing in the clerk's office of the court a pleading in writing, in proper legal form, the allegations and charges may be taken as admitted and the court may enter an order, judgement, or decree against me either by default or after hearing evidence.

Appearance in person in not required by this Subpoena.

~~~~

I am okay to 'sit on this' but if I don't counter file, then I can't even tell what he would get from me...other than more money. It doesn't spell out anything. There isn't any money break down for me to agree to.

I am waiting for a name of a lawyer I had intended to call if this happened...I misplaced the name.

Is there a number I can call for free advice under distress???

[Valeria]

That paragraph about 21 days is just standard legal procedure. Your lawyer will just need to write a letter within 21 days to respond to the action.

[Sophie]

Is all that is needed in the response an acknowledgement, or the counter suit?

These papers are so fague...is that how the initial papers always are?

[Valeria]

Not always. The papers that H served on me were vague but that was because he didn't have any real grounds to file on me.

When my L filed papers against H, it was a "manuscript" because there were so many grounds to file on, it was "pick and choose". (I would have preferred to keep it more general but was overruled).