GFI, I do not like that he has stopped attending church and trying to live for the Lord. I do not like that he does not do 'extras' anymore. He does not ever offer to go above and beyond in anything. For example, work overtime when they ask him so we have extra money, clean the house for me when I work at both my jobs (a 14 hour day), take care of the kids' needs like doctor appointments and when they need school supplies. We have always spent time during the summer working on the upkeep of our house. I am a teacher and he works swing shift so I am off in the summer and he has 4 days off in a row each month. We have not done anything in the last five years. He used to do for others and try to help out people like his elderly grandmother. He has stopped doing that also. He shows no affection at all to me unless we are in front of his family and I believe he does this just so they will not know he had an affair and I hate him But the worst part is the way he parents and interacts with our kids now. We have always been strict but loving parents. We were both on the same page, never fought in front of the kids, never cussed or drank in front of them, etc. He has decided that he can be closer to them if he acts like them but he still wants control so he is polar opposites...one minute he is cool dad and the next he is a total ass. I am not sure what would make me like and respect him again. I feel like I have 3 kids instead of 2 now. He acts like a spoiled child instead of an adult, or I guess I should say my expectations of an adult.
Steve, I have also opened a checking account and started putting money aside. If someone handed me ten grand today, I would be gone. I don't want my kids to suffer and I do not want to leave my home, but I would and will when the right time comes. Every day I feel like that time is closer. A boss at one of my jobs had a house for rent, REALLY cheap price for this area. I thought that was my sign but someone beat me to it. I do not usually make reflex decisions and am trying my best not to now. The limbo does not do me to well either.
Last edited by Kelly23; 11/13/0802:26 AM.
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
Man..you guys are asking some deep questions that I am not sure I know the answer to. I am trying my best to have a good plan in place so I never feel stuck or trapped. He stopped the affair because he was caught. In my opinion, he is staying in the marriage because his family would be so angry ans disappointed in him. When it first happened and I told him we were through, he said he was going to move out of state because he could not live here with everyone knowing....yeah, whatever. Is it too routine to say I am trying to accomplish happiness? I want to share my life with someone who has goals, who works continually to be a better person while enjoying life, who wants to make love to me, wants to talk to me when I get home from work, and someone who keeps his word. I am not looking for anyone or wanting to be divorced to date or remarry. I just know what I have now is not enough for me. I am not sure how I would ever trust him again. He played husband the entire time he was fooling around. I always thought of him as my protector and now I am protecting myself from him. I have not told a single person in my family. My daughter knows because he told her but I do not think she has told anyone. My family is very vocal and I cannot see them keeping it a secret from me. Four of my best friends know but that is all. If we do divorce, it will be a big surprise for everyone.
Last edited by Kelly23; 11/14/0805:44 AM.
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
Man..you guys are asking some deep questions that I am not sure I know the answer to.
LOL..think about it maybe..the answers..there is no rule here that you have to have all the answers to every question..as a matter of fact when I found this place I had NFC. I can guarentee there are some people here that have walked the fires and can help you answer those questions for yourself.
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 11/14/0811:15 AM.
I have been thinking about all of your advice. I am and have always been stubborn. I am slow to forgive and quick to drop people as friends when they do something to hurt me. I know that I should treat him like I want to be treated before I decide to leave him. Why can't I bring myself to do that? The hurt he has caused makes me even more hard-hearted. I just cannot picture myself ever opening my heart up to him again. I am so angry that he has not tried to 'win me back' or show me that he is sorry. The last time we had a fight about it and I told him I was not sure I could stay married to him, his answer was....it just takes time. No, I am so sorry, I love you and want to make it work, just that it would take time.
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
I am trying my best to have a good plan in place so I never feel stuck or trapped.
Too late, you had kids with this guy. You are "stuck" with him the rest of your life. You can either choose to try and be good friends with him regardless of whether you stay married to him or not, or be bitter, and angry which just makes everyone's life miserable.
Also, just because you divorce someone doesn't mean you won't end up in another situation feeling "stuck" or "trapped." You could end up feeling "stuck" dating an endless series of guys who have their own baggage and XW's and kids to deal with. You could end up feeling "stuck" dating someone you wanted to marry, but he didn't like your kids and wouldn't marry you because of that. You could end up feeling "stuck," that your kids have to spend half the week, or every other weekend staying with your H and his girlfriend (maybe even the previous OW) who he started living with following the D...
Rather then trying to dump one responsibility or situation, for another that will ultimately have it's own set of problems, why not look for a way to make what you have work?
Originally Posted By: Kelly23
He stopped the affair because he was caught. In my opinion, he is staying in the marriage because his family would be so angry ans disappointed in him.
Wow! Good for him. There's an awful lot of spouses who don't care if they are caught and have no problem blaming the spouse for the whole thing, and dumping their families and moving on.... I give your husband credit for this...
Originally Posted By: Kelly23
I am trying to accomplish happiness? I want to share my life with someone who has goals, who works continually to be a better person while enjoying life, who wants to make love to me, wants to talk to me when I get home from work, and someone who keeps his word. I am not looking for anyone or wanting to be divorced to date or remarry. I just know what I have now is not enough for me.
Well.... you could have fooled me. It sounds like you want a guy to save you. Until you can accomplish happiness inside yourself, regardless of other people around you, chances are it will be elusive or fleeting... Also, you have too much baggage for the relationship you describe. You cannot have a healthy relationship carrying the type of baggage you have. You need to work through that first.
Originally Posted By: Kelly23
I am not sure how I would ever trust him again.
Be so wonderful he'd never want to leave. And be strong enough to deal with someone stupid enough to loose the best thing they ever had... Love someone enough that you can let them go...
Life can always change, people can always change. That's just reality.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I know that I should treat him like I want to be treated before I decide to leave him. Why can't I bring myself to do that? The hurt he has caused makes me even more hard-hearted. I just cannot picture myself ever opening my heart up to him again. I am so angry that he has not tried to 'win me back' or show me that he is sorry. The last time we had a fight about it and I told him I was not sure I could stay married to him, his answer was....it just takes time. No, I am so sorry, I love you and want to make it work, just that it would take time.
The reason you can't bring youself to treat him in a positive way is you want to punish him for what he did.
The positive thing for him about you treating him poorly... if you do decide to divorce him he will regret losing the marriage less because he will think of you as angry, unable to forgive and unhappy. That's the memory he will have of the marriage.... Any other woman will seem like an improvement. He will have more of a chance to find someone who loves and accepts him exactly as he.
He's right about it taking time. Also, too much damage has occured, you cannot stay in this situation having expectations.... you have to start slow, expect little, and just try and work on developing a friendship first.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I am trying to read your advice with an open mind. I know that it will take time but it will only improve if he puts forth a little effort to try to make it work. He is not. I think one of my problems is I did not set any standards of behavior for allowing him to stay. When I found out about the affair, my first step was getting all my ducks in a row when I told him I knew and I wanted him to leave. He apologized, swore it would not happen again and asked if he could stay and try to work on our marriage. His idea of working on it is not talking about it at all so we won't argue. In his mind, if we do not argue about it, everything must be fine. I do not push him for anything but him doing nothing is causing me to feel up with hurt and anger. And I do not view it as good for him by caring what his family thinks. It is more like, good for him that she did not tell my family that I am a cheating jerk and told her that I would rather spend my time with someone young enough to be my daughter because my wife is no fun. And I do not want to leave him for another guy with other problems. I want him to be all those things to me. His reply is that is not how he is made.
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
Thanks for reading with an open mind. If I just agree with you it won't be helpful. But if I play devil's advocate and question things, and try to also see the positives and his view, perhaps I can help you see things from another angle... or maybe I'll just be completely wrong, but that's okay too.
I understand you don't view it as a positive that he does care what others think. It doesn't make what he did better, but on the other hand, most of these guys really don't care about what anyone thinks. They rather be with OW. Your H did make the choice to stay with you. However, if you want a D, keep blaming him, staying distant and being unhappy and there is a chance he may decide that he doesn't care what others think. It's just too miserable in the marriage and he will want a D too.
When did the affair end?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
But the worst part is the way he parents and interacts with our kids now. We have always been strict but loving parents. We were both on the same page, never fought in front of the kids, never cussed or drank in front of them, etc. He has decided that he can be closer to them if he acts like them but he still wants control so he is polar opposites...one minute he is cool dad and the next he is a total ass.