So...feeling a little less pensive than I was last time I posted...my roller coaster, not my wife's.
Things are still pretty good, and she really is mostly calm and relaxed around me.
We have slowed down quite a bit on the crazy stuff...drinking and partying, going out. The normal days and evenings at home seem to be outnumbering the time away from home, and that was a goal, so I will see how that goes and what it brings.
She brought up redecorating the living room and new furniture / flat screen TV...basically filling me in on how she wanted everything to turn out when it was done.
Conversations like this have been rare. After the bomb, when I had said there were things that needed to be done around the house she gave the impression that she really did not want me involved....like she was thinking that I would be gone and if it was going to get done, she should do it on her own.
This was minor stuff, but felt like a good positive sign to me, and makes we want to jump in a little more and do things that I know would please her, even if we have not discussed them....acts of service, I believe, right?? Home improvement has been on the back burner through all of this, but it really should have been on the top of my GAL activities.
Also some talk about Thanksgiving...this after her mentioning several weeks ago that she was planning on spending it in Florida with an old friend, and taking D with her. She left me hanging on that, but I never brought it up. The recent conversation was about the menu and plan for the day, so I guess she is staying in town??
Her birthday is also coming up and she told me not to spend any money on gifts because she would rather spend the money on the house and things we need(actually she said things she "wants" for the house).
With the calmness and normalcy creeps in a little more drama for some reason....nervous that it does not really mean anything and nothing has changed...scared of maintaining that closeness we have built over the months, because of my fear that it was based on some pretty superficial stuff....and with that calmness and normalcy....why so reluctant to say the words?
Still no commitment...still no trust in my actions...still not ready.
Still more work to do.
Some how...not much going on, but new things running through my head and trying not to let them make me crazy or let it change my behavior.
Grandma always said, "Don't borrow trouble, it can find you easily enough." There was also something about a box of chocolates, but I'll leave that to Forrest...
You sound pretty good. You've made it past some kind of a milestone in that you are not dwelling on this day in and day out anymore. Take some satisfaction in making it to that place.
Let it unfold my friend. So many cliches come to mind, probably just due to a particularly trying day with the junior high kids at school, lol. But remember when your Momma used to say "A watched pot never boils?" Well...she was wrong of course because it does eventually boil...but that kind of blows the message, doesn't it?
Move forward with her at the pace she sets. I can tell you that my wife (and I emphasize for your benefit the word WIFE) has a similar desire to include me in as many parts of her life as possible. It's a good THING and a good SIGN that your wife is giving you through her actions.
Finally, if you get a chance and are so inclined, you might search me out on that "face" place. It would be good to see and talk to you outside of this board, and you'd get a chance to see the face that's been talking with you these many months.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
It all sounds good nds. I'm glad you're hitting some goals and your W is including you in her 'plans'.
One piece of advice that I read somewhere - even if your W says she doesn't want a gift get one for her anyway. It doesn't have to be expensive or anything extravagant but pick something up - maybe something that has a special meaning for her, or even something she's remarked about wanting but hasn't gotten yet.
My W and I spent years not getting each other gifts for Christmas and birthdays but I think that was a mistake - and a mistake I won't repeat, even if she tells me not to get anything.
I know you are really wanting to hear the words of commitment, and I believe they will eventually come. But more importantly, her actions are showing that commitment. (In my opinion) I know it isn't exactly what you are looking for, but take comfort in the actions for now.
I'm glad you're doing well.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Grandma always said, "Don't borrow trouble, it can find you easily enough." There was also something about a box of chocolates, but I'll leave that to Forrest...
Quote:
But remember when your Momma used to say "A watched pot never boils?" Well...she was wrong of course because it does eventually boil...but that kind of blows the message, doesn't it?
Those two were actually very popular with my mother...along with "You have a head like a sieve".
Thankfully all that I have learned has not leaked through the holes...the important things are still in here somewhere.
It has taken a while, but yes, I think I am in a good place right now. My lack of patience and her unwillingness to talk about the R and marriage still get the best of me sometimes, but I can't deny the fact that the last several weeks have brought some sort of calmness and normalcy to our lives.
The "what ifs", "how comes" and "whys" are in the back of my head rather than the tip of my tongue(fingers?).
I suppose somewhere inside I still hold those worries that nothing has really changed for her close. That is more because over the last several months, even with the drama, she has remained so close and consistent in her behavior.
At times that didn't allow me to see the subtle changes in the way she acts towards me...the little gestures and the words I was missing.
Also...I have a "face" from a while ago, but have not used it...little confused as to how to find all you guys...I will work on that.
One piece of advice that I read somewhere - even if your W says she doesn't want a gift get one for her anyway. It doesn't have to be expensive or anything extravagant but pick something up - maybe something that has a special meaning for her, or even something she's remarked about wanting but hasn't gotten yet.
My W and I spent years not getting each other gifts for Christmas and birthdays but I think that was a mistake - and a mistake I won't repeat, even if she tells me not to get anything.
Steady Those were my intentions from the start. We always were pretty extravagant with each other for Christmas and birthdays, and of course this year will be different...both because of the sitch and finances.
Over the last few months I have tested the waters with some little things I have picked up for her...nothing romantic and some just silly, and she has been pleased and receptive. I try to pay attention to her when she starts out a sentence with...I need, or I want..or I would like to have.
With her new interest in football and the Giants, I have picked out a couple silly things for her just to let her know I was thinking about her while I was out for the day, or shopping at the mall and they have gone over well.
Weekend update...journaling...little annoyed with myself..LOL.
Although the wife and I are getting a handle on the partying we had a crazy night out the other night, and when we got home we sat and chatted....here is the part where I am annoyed with myself, because...dammm...I cannot remember how the conversation started..LOL.
What I remember was her saying..."Yes, you mean when I used to be 'pissy' to you?"...and it struck me as funny, I laughed and went over to her and said...when you USED to be pissy?? What does that mean?
She said..."You know, when we USED to be pissy to each other. We're not "pissy' to each other anymore."...man, I wish I could remember what we were talking about...LOL.
So...the night out...that started with a Saturday evening birthday party for a nephew on her side. She never asked if I was, or wanted to go....just mentioned it and assumed I was going with her. In the past it would have just the opposite...she would have either not mentioned it at all, assuming I was not going, or mentioned it and assumed that I was not going.
Her SIL is not her favorite person and I think she wanted me along for a little moral support, as she gets pretty worked up when she has any sort of family function with that side of her people.
As a matter of fact, there was a continuing thorn in my wife's side with the other nephew. She bought him an Ipod almost a year ago, and turns out her brother and SIL have been too preoccupied to help him get it set up and usable on their computer.
While we were there I told her I would get it set up and show him how to download and use it, which I did. As I was doing it, there comments to the affect that it was somehow my wife's fault it was not working, as she had tried to show him how to use it on our computer.
My wife was good and waited until we got to the car to blow her top about the evening and Ipod incident.....I let her b**ch, complain and get it all out...agreed with her completely as a matter of fact...strange bunch and tough people to take and have a good time with.
In the car she gave me a hug and a kiss and told me I was her "hero" that night for getting the Ipod set up and showing her nephew how to use it.
Her mother was at the party and she and my wife had made plans to go out for a little while afterwards and have a drink. Her mom had plans to meets friends and my wife had talked to "best friend" and so the plan was for them all to meet up.
Once again...no invitation or mention...just an assumption that I was going along to be part of the evening...very unusual to be invited along to go out with "the girls"....good time had by all. I even danced a little with my wife(not a dancer, but I try) and she actually thanked me for getting up on the floor with her.
The evening before we went out shopping and looking at TV's as she is still planning on redecorating the LR and buying a new TV and furniture.
Sunday was a boring relaxing day at home, recouping from Saturday evening and watching football....she made us lunch and I made us dinner.
"The evening before we went out shopping and looking at TV's as she is still planning on redecorating the LR and buying a new TV and furniture."
Make sure and buy a nice flat screen.. a big one.. that way when you move to my house.. you can bring that with you.
OR
Why would she want to redecorate.. and include you.. if you are leaving? God.. I am so confused.
"She never asked if I was, or wanted to go....just mentioned it and assumed I was going with her. In the past it would have just the opposite...she would have either not mentioned it at all, assuming I was not going, or mentioned it and assumed that I was not going."
Hmmmm... Really?
"here is the part where I am annoyed with myself, because...dammm...I cannot remember how the conversation started..LOL."
Dosen't matter.. you remember the important parts.
Lucky Cricket.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"The evening before we went out shopping and looking at TV's as she is still planning on redecorating the LR and buying a new TV and furniture."
Make sure and buy a nice flat screen.. a big one.. that way when you move to my house.. you can bring that with you.
I had to bite my tongue to stop from asking her if I could take the old one when I left, or if she was going to put it in the bedroom....afraid she was going to say "sure, when you going?".
Why would she want to redecorate.. and include you.. if you are leaving? God.. I am so confused.
Yeah...wise guy...been thinking the same thing...second time in a week or so that the living room / TV discussion has come up....there are still a few "I's" in the mix when she talks about what she wants...not "we" should or "we" could...but I tell you, I thought it was pretty cool. Months ago these subjects were avoided completely because honestly I don't think she saw me there enjoying it with her.
There were a few other things over the last couple of weeks that are "different" about her, but I am just trying to take it all in and stay my course....no cockiness allowed.
One I know you would appreciate..."you know what" without the alcohol....forgot what that was like...LOL.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Also...I have a "face" from a while ago, but have not used it...little confused as to how to find all you guys...I will work on that.
get it ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
