Thanks for sharing your thoughts.....we are going to get a new roof in the spring and h did say that I would have the money then, so we don't have to borrow it..I also told him I had thought we would pay off our parent/school loans, visa...then I'll see what is left.but to become debt free will help me IF we do d, we won't have all that debt.
T2........how can I thank you for that great response..I am going to print it out and try to memorize it....I am so afraid to bring it up(makes me sound kinda weak, even though I feel so strong)maybe I should send it to him..naw that would be tacky and chicken like..I have to face reality and the outcome sooner or later. I give all of you people such credit for being able to tell your s these things that I have been afraid to for so long..but then I go back to that day last ov..as h told kids he was moving that he needed space....and I justify that that is what I have been doing this past year......oh boy do I sound like I am making excuses...no I stand strong that I have given him the space...but now as a year appoaches it is time to get a feel for things.
Sue, Know how you feel, as I haven't brought up any R talks, except for one, to tell H I didn't want a D and that we would leave things as they are. Maybe I need to jump on the wagon and say just a few things.
I had given myself a timeline of this New Year's to do something about the R if it hadn't improved, but I've also been told that you will begin to feel what the next step is, but is right. I'm trying to not look at the calendar, but within, to set the next goal, to do what is right.
I think your gut will tell you when it is time to have "the talk". When you know you are ready for the outcome, either way, when you felt you have done everything possible and are happy with what you have done.
The calendar is just a measure, a tool for us to use. Choose how you want to use it.
And I vote for keep the money in your name. Are you okay for retirement? It would make a nice nest egg for you to build upon and have for when you are retired and not able to work, and if H is beside you at that time, then he'll get to share. If not, I like what T said, would your Aunt want him to get half for walking out? You also earned half his paycheck for the work you did in raising your family. It is unpaid work, but work that goes to the functioning of the family. Don't discount what you have done and contributed the past 25 years.
Hey..Jackie..read you had a good time at Disney...sounds like you had a few moments..but like you said be thankful for what you have...your kids are far more important than anything else right now.. Thanks for the vote on the money..retirement...are you kidding...we have been too busy making ends meet all these years, that we have not too much..h has some money from another job in investments..he has his 401 and I have a small retirement plan where I work, but can I retire in the next 10 years..no. I also know that the years I stayed home are priceless...and I know h feels the same way..he has been overly generous with sharing his money this past year..but then I have always known him to be generous and kind..why did we have to go and screw this whole thing up..he may not be prince charming, and he made some stupid mistakes where the ff comes in...but he is an all around nice guy. GUess I need to find more ways to let him know that.
Deb...it is very touchy on what and when to say anything...you can't take back what comes out of your mouth..so you have to be really sure of how and what you say. I have not said much because he wanted space and time alone, so I feel like I have honored that, I just need to know if we have gotten any closer to any goals, is there a chance or not, a year later of ever being together again..I just need to know something. I think I am getting closer to a talk...I thought I might run it past our pastor..on how I might approach him..or maybe she has some other ideas for me..yet I have to remember that she and h talk alot so I don't want to put her on the spot.
Just journaling..and why this stupid, what seems minor thing is bugging me, I don't know...at our church dinner tonight h, came in with the cash we needed and a lady asked him to sign a petition to stop the too fast grownth in our area...I had already signed it..after he left and had barely said anything to me, the lady came and asked if I was registered..I said of course, well she said "jim did not sign, as he said he ws not registered"..wtf....he is as registered(at our home adress) as I am...so I ASSume that means he 1.did not really want to sign it,2. did not want her to see diff. address(but he would have to put home address) or 3.has changed his registration to his apt. address and did not want me to see or for her to wonder..why is this bothering me so much??
let's see....maybe because you're letting your negative imagination run away with your good sense?
Chalk it up to 'sometimes, men are weird' And if you HAVE to pick a reason for his response to the woman...pick the 'he didn't want to be bothered with signing her petition' one, because maybe he had other stuff on his mind NONE of which had any negative relationship to YOU...sometimes they really do go into a funk for no reason at all, just like WE DO.
What if he just didn't want to sign because he didn't want to be a part of that / any? political issue? ... Didn't want the woman to know that's the reason, so he gave the woman a lame excuse as to why he didn't sign. Is he one to normaly involve himself in such issues, even if it is just on a ballot / petition level? I for one am uncomfortable with signing a petition unless I believe I know the true agenda behind it. Most of them make them sound like their's is for some noble cause until you seek the whole story.
Anyway I digress ... again the point I'm making is ... there's just as much a chance his decision not to sign may not remotely have anything to do with what his current address is or isn't.
... and Sue, I like the idea of talking your Pastor on what approach you may wish to take as to where H may stand now. She may be in a unique positon to give you appropriate guidance. At the very least, I'm sure she wouldn't mind being a sounding board so you can express your thoughts out loud just so you can hear what they really sound like. Sometimes we just needs some one to listen to what we need to say.
(((Sue))) I know how frustating it is when our S keeps their thoughts all bottled up and doesn't share them with us. In this regard, CAW is much like your H and I too, like you, am trying to remain patient in hopes that she will one day on her own see the value of wanting to open up and share her most private thoughts with me.
In the meantime, I still try to seek ways that may work at entice her to open up some. Some call them feelers. Sometimes they work ... sometimes they don't. State in a form of an observation, like, "I couldn't help but notice you seemed uncomfortable at church the other night when that petition was going around." He may just shrug his shoulders at you ... then let it go ... or he may decide to share with you what he was thinking about then.
P.S. The next time you start to "mind-read" why your H reacted a certain way, why not force yourself to list three positive instead? It seems to work for so many others here.
KAW, T2...what would I do without ya!!!I just needed to hear the positive..you're right, I am mind reading...assuming..the awful stuff I dealt with a year ago..It's just that i can't imagine he would lie to this woman about him being registered...and no he really does not get involved in that stuff...I even went so far as this morning to think about an attorney and telling h if he wants the f****** d, then go file, but then I came here and it grounded my thoughts and I know that would not be the way to approach anything...I might even ask h to come over for homemade pizza..but no r talk when we are in this setting...unless he starts one!!
Well..I decided to call h and invite him over tomoroow for homemade pizza and a movie...he sounded chipper when he answered the phone, but after I asked him..he seemed quiet for a minute...I almost said "forget it..if you don't want to then don't" but I did not..I wish he would tell me the truth...if he really..really does not to be with me TELL ME..I am stronger than most people think...I will survive. I also asked him about the petition thing...how the woman was kinda crazy about wondering if I was registered..since he said he was not..h said said we have not had any elections here for a year..he wanted to be sure he was still ok living somewhere else, and since my sil is the county clerk..he was going to ask her..AND he said he was not sure he really wanted to sign something that was going to slow down the growth......so KAW you were right again..I did mind read..am I ever going to be able to change some of these stupid feelings..it sure will not help if he ever comes back..guess working on ones self is ongoing and needs to be evaluated often!!
So..heres hoping tomorrow night is not a "cold" night..I will not bring up any r talk...
