It seems to be working! Sometimes....

[sandycay]

Hey SMW,

Thanks for checking on me. I had a few slip ups last week. If you remember he is out of the country for a month. I started to get that old woes me thing going....the resentment that he is diving in beautiful waters, spearing good fish, playing golf twice a day.....(military dollars well spent)...and you know what he called me on it......good for him. He learned not to let it make him feel guilty, he let it slide for a few days and then spoke up for himself...(good for him)...and as hard as it was I knew I was guilty of acting that way....so I started acting as if....I was so happy that he was out doing great things and I was stuck at home in the dreary NW doing the kid thing. He only goes with the guys in his squadron and really whats he suppose to do when there's no work.....there's not much work.

Old habits die hard but I have a new one in place now (for 8 months) and I kicked into high gear. This is really the first seperation we have had since he has moved back home, so it only figures things would come up for me. This was when it would truly show I made change.....I DID IT...I admitted to myself and him that I was wrong and I changed my attitude. NOw, you must know that I never got on to him and talked to him ugly about it I just got real quiet during phone conversations and he would ask "what's wrong hon"? and I would reply in a slightly highter octave (you know the one, the manipulator, poor me voice) with "Nothing". Total guilt trip for him, I wasn't feeling good about it either....I don't know why I did it except to say I did it for 17 years and I think it use to get attention in the early days but got old afterwhile and I should have grown up and got over it all.....ooohh that's hard to admit....I have faults...ouch that one too.

I don't worry about "the other stuff" because I don't know why. I just feel like we really have figured out the problems and solved them and I feel confident that is a horrible part of our past.......and you know what? If I am wrong, I will be heart broken but I can survive without him....and do it happily, but I would rather live with him happily KWIM!

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

I know exactly what you mean, Sandy!~

I am glad he called you on it. You cannot sit around and mope. The occasional pity party is fine--I have been a little down today myself. It is rainy, and dreary and cold. All I could seem to think about was how, in the past, on days like this when H was home, we would spend the day together--laying in bed or on the sofa, doing nothing. The kids would do their own thing with watching movies, etc. It was time for us to just BE--nothing important needed to be done, etc.

There are always going to be times that the old stuff creeps back in. The important thing is to beat it back. Look at how far you have come in such a short time!

SMW

[sandycay]

Well, it's been a little over a month since the last update and things have shifted. It seems that if you read in my last post or so that my behavior while he was in Quam affected more than I thought. I felt a big pull back since his return and of course that made the pit in my stomach start to ache again. I will say there is no evidence that the OW is back or anything of that nature. The phone records and time away from home always make a complete circle back to the truth. We finally, (after me asking every week or so) "why is it different". He finally confessed that he felt like things were never going to change based on the behavior when he was gone. That he has come to accept that is just how life is.

Well needless to say I was pissed off because I had been questioning this all along. I don't undertand why he seems to not want to fix things he is not happy about. (Conflict avoider)I said to him:

M: You know we talked about that and you told me what you needed, I apologized and have changed that behavior. We all make mistakes and you should know that and I feel your pulling back because you can't accept my apology and my change. You have noticed my change of attitude when it has come to you doing stuff right?

H: Yes, I have noticed and I am sorry that I didn't let it go.

M: It makes me feel very sad when you use terms like: "it is what it is" (regarding our marriage), and other sayings that he has that sound like he is settling.....I told him that that wasn't fair to me or him.

He states that is not what his intent was when he says these things. To me they sound like a prison sentence and I don't know about you guys but I don't want to ever be with someone because they are just doing it because it's the right thing.

This has been the hardest month for me so far since we have reconcilled. Life is settling back in but it seems if we have a disagreement about anything I get very anxious that he is going to turn tail and run. He is tired of that and says can't we just have a disagreement and be a disagreement and not involved the whole relationship? So, I will be working on that, it's very hard to not feel nervous about any discord here.

He has stated that he doesn't want to feel like a bad person for the rest of his life because he is not a bad person. When I say things about "that time in our lives" it makes him feel bad. I am not beating him during those times but we were living a life then. (I will say something about "oh, that's when you lived in your apartment") He doesn't want to be reminded of it that way. So I guess I just shove it down my throat and deal with it now by myself. But we all know what shoving it down will do, lead to resentment and bitterness, so I don't know what I will do about that one.

I will state again that I hate not feeling safe.

We have made the 6 month mark of the beginning of this journey and now have been back together longer than their whole affair lasted. I still think about her but more in terms of does he think about her? Does he remember what she looks like, felt like? I try to quickly put those thoughts away as they remind me of how close we are to losing our marriage. I don't ask him questions anymore about "her".

Sometimes I think....what would he do if I walked away? Would he fight for this marriage or say "thank goodness, now I won't look like the bad guy" and go on his merry way. I feel like in the first 5 months of reconcilling he would have been devasted, now it seems more like the second choice.

I am very confused and I know this is all over the place but I can't seem to find much comfort in my every day life. I wonder about spending the rest of my life with someone who did this to me and my children. Walked away, lied, betrayed me, us, his family. This will always be attached to our memories of our lives together....at our 25, 30, 50th annevisary this is going to part of my memory.....on my death bed....is this what I will remember. I wish it could be excised out of my brain. This sometimes seems so hard to recover from ..... now I understand when he used to tell me "it will never go away". Well it seems it has for him but not for me.

I certainly am not sharing all these details with him or letting it show anymore as that was a cheeseless tunnel and I had to stop. For right now I am commited to acting "as if" I can get over this, and be happy. Maybe the "as if" will turn into an "I am" over this and am happy soon.

Maybe it's because we are coming up on the one year mark of everything..... as I sit here and think about this date..... he was just meeting her and "falling" for her this time last year. It really makes it hard for me to not start thinking about her more. I will look forward to when the next 6 months is up and all "it's been one year since this or that happened" is over.

I also will not be suprised if she tries to make contact over the next 6 months. As far as I know there has been none. But I will never know till I know. Have I mentioned I hate living like this?

[addie]

((((Sandy))))
I've been reading your thread. Wow, I can't believe how similar our timelines are. It's also coming up on the one year mark for me that I started to suspect H's EA. He moved out in mid Jan, broke off with OW beginning of May and moved back in with us at the end of May. H and I are now living hundreds of miles apart (more info about this on my own thread) but he still wants us to work things out.
I am feeling all of the same things you are feeling. My H would be very happy to continue on as if nothing had happened but I can't seem to do that. I don't know how to let go of all these negative feelings. I also wonder if we can really put all of this behind us.
Sandy, I can't give you any advice. I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you're going through.

[sandycay]

(((Addie))),

I went back thru your last thread and will reply there soon. I may need to look further back to give you an opinion.

Yesterday was a "bad" day. We had a communication issue over getting some things accomplished and it wasn't "fight" per say but just difficult in communication. By the afternoon, when we were trying to communicate again he says things like:

1) I have no life
2) I have no friends
3) I have no control
4) I'll just shut up and color (I think this means to do what I am suppose to do whether I like it or not
5) I feel like you would be better off if I was not here.... you would have enough money where you could work part-time till the kids were out of school
6) When questioned about this because the only time he has ever mentioned "desperate" thoughts was the weekend he figured out the OW was probably cheating on him. He states he would never do that.
7) He feels empty
8) He has nothing... that a man that makes the money he makes, has no money of his own, can't make his own life, can't control his schedule, has no control over anything.
9) States it's not my fault he feels this way.

I will say that he has always been level headed and for the first time I saw a man with some "issues". I know I am not at the cause of this at this time. He is not happy and it's within himself.

I first asked him after all of these revalations (remember, I have been asking him for about 3-4 weeks what is wrong) if this had anything to do with OW, i.e. was there contact, was he missing her because it's been 6 months, was he thinking about her because it's coming up on the time of year he started it with her? He says "no". Now, the 2 schools of thought from my side are 1) no evidence that this has happend 2) like would he really tell me anyway. I will say that from the time I found out he has been fairly honest about things that had to do with "her".

So, I after feeling that familiar banging in my chest and stomach. I was waiting for the other bomb to drop. I told him that he deserved to be happy and that I felt I wasn't capable of fulfilling this for him and that it made me very sad.

I kept to myself pretty much last night. He did approach me and hugged me really hard and apologized for "freaking out earlier". I hugged back and kept very quiet the rest of the evening.

I feel I must detach myself again as to not get blindsided again. I don't know what to do. Do I address all the things he said, or do I let it go. I suggested IC but he wasn't receptive to that. He seems to be either depressed or not all the way done with the MLC thing.

He reached out for me last night like holding my hand and kissing me goodnight before he went to bed and when I went to bed he came over to my side and snuggled with me. He had to get up early to go to work and I didnt sleep well so I had turned on the TV and he came over and hugged me for a long time and said "You should go back to sleep, I love you". I couldnt' bring myself to say it back for the first time ever, but I did hug him back and said to have a safe drive into work. Been up since 3:30.

How long does one act as if? I can't live with someone who seems to be ready to bail. He states he would never do that again but still I think he could.

Sorry for the long post and rambling but if you read this far you can see that I am confused as to what I should do at this point and hurt by his lack of happiness.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Sandy--

I can feel your pain and anxiety in reading your posts. You are so obviously hurting.

I know that this is hard, but sweetie, you have got to let go of things. I think that your anxiety and fear of him walking again is hurting you and your relationship with H. He is home. You have to walk in faith that he is there to stay. He says he is, you have to believe him and work on the areas that he needs to make him happy, comfortable, and welcome in his own home. It seems to me that he may still feel like an addendum to your life.

Address each issue one at a time. It is too overwhelming a list to tackle all at once. Do not check with him to see if things are working, just do it. You will know when he is feeling better.

1--Why does he have no life? Why does he have no friends? These almost tie together. What is he interested in, what does he like to do for fun. What activity could he develop that would allow him to enjoy life more and make some new friends?

I have a suggestion. You have a 14 y/o son. Is he interested in cars? My DH and his dad formed an amazing bond when they both got involved in racing RC cars when DH was about the same age as your son. Your son is at an age that building a strong relationship with his father will be critical to his adult life and relationships. It will also allow them both to enjoy time together.

A lot of his complaints are all tied to the same thing--his dissatisfaction with his position in his life. Help him find things to satisfy him.

As always, pray. Pray for his contentment, pray for your trust to be fully restored, pray for God's grace. I encourage you to daily lay your problems at the foot of God's throne, knowing that He will deal with them. It will allow you to start the day with a clean heart and mind, refreshed in the knowledge that God is in control.

I hope you don't mind, but I would like to pray for you.
*****************************************************************
Abba Father, I see the pain that my sister Sandy is suffering with. Trust is a fragile issue and when it has been broken, it is difficult to open ourselves again. I ask you to bless her with a measure of faith to put her trust in You and Your might Word. You have brought restoration to this broken marriage and You can certainly bring peace and trust, as well. I also ask you to allow her husband to continue to open up to her. His willingness to be vulnerable is a blessing, even if it is full of pain. I ask You to bring comfort and understanding to both of them. Show them that the pain is for a season and that You are there to meet their every need if they will only call on You. I ask this in the name of your Blessed Son, Jesus, AMEN
*****************************************************************

Have faith my friend, God is there for you.

SMW

[sandycay]

[quote=sadmilitarywife]


I know that this is hard, but sweetie, you have got to let go of things. I think that your anxiety and fear of him walking again is hurting you and your relationship with H. He is home. You have to walk in faith that he is there to stay. He says he is, you have to believe him and work on the areas that he needs to make him happy, comfortable, and welcome in his own home. It seems to me that he may still feel like an addendum to your life. (qoute)

Your right I need to find faith, sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees, KWIM.

1--Why does he have no life? Why does he have no friends? These almost tie together. What is he interested in, what does he like to do for fun. What activity could he develop that would allow him to enjoy life more and make some new friends?

[ I don't know why he feels he has no life. We have friends (couples) that we socialize together quite a bit sometimes just couples and sometimes with kids. The men get along but don't really "do" things together all that much. His work place is a commute from home and all the people he works with travel as he does so the time they spend together is disjointed and not consistent. I have encouraged him to play golf with the guys..Here is his catch 22 because he is gone so much he feels guilty about doing things without me. In the past, I have helped him feel that way but that was one of the things that I have strived to change and he notices that. He sounds (seems) depressed to me... with what he saying he feels like.


I have a suggestion. You have a 14 y/o son. Is he interested in cars? My DH and his dad formed an amazing bond when they both got involved in racing RC cars when DH was about the same age as your son. Your son is at an age that building a strong relationship with his father will be critical to his adult life and relationships. It will also allow them both to enjoy time together.

Funny you mention that. My son just last week stated an interest in making the golf team for high school. Well, H is over the moon with that. He has played golf and even was an assistant pro at a CC after college but before pilot training. They have been to driving range 4 times, played a round of golf and husband came home with a new set of clubs yesterday for S. This is crucial for their relationship as my S really lost a lot of respect (feelings) for H when he left. They do not know why he left so it was very confusing to them.



A lot of his complaints are all tied to the same thing--his dissatisfaction with his position in his life. Help him find things to satisfy him.

How can I made him satisfied? I am helping as much as I can by allowing him the freedom to do what he wants. In another conversation last night I could tell it really bothered him that he is unhappy and he doesn't know why he is feeling dissatisfied with life....everything is how he said he wanted it to be. I said to him that this makes me feel anxious and scared... back to the no eating and sleeping thing for me.... (I know get out the 2x4 faith board) He expressed concern over this as he knows I have an important race coming in 3 weeks and need the rest and nutrition. He restated last night that this has nothing to do with her. He brought this up on his own. He said he was sorry that I felt unsafe that I have no reason to that he was just feeling a little out of sorts and it will work out, let's just wait and see..

So the DB'ing starts full tilt again for me. The hard part is detaching without withdrawing. I can't seem to find that middle ground. The detaching now is different.

Your prayer meant so much to me, I hope you know that. I have read it about 10 times since you posted. I have stayed up to date with your situation. You are handling your daughter well..... seems if it's not one thing it's another.


Blessings for you today.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Sandy--

I think there may still be some lingering depression for H that needs to be dealt with. Is he or has he seen an IC?

As far as self-satisfaction. I do believe this common interest with your son WILL help him, help both of them, alot! I am also glad that your children do not know why H left. In my case, my DH s going to have to rebuild a lot of trust with D17. She is suffering with some major abandonment issues over all of this.

I agree, you need to DB and detach, without the withdrawal that typically comes with it. You are becoming too tied into helping him find happiness in himself and in exchange, it is causing you stress and anxiety. Let it go. God has it under control.

I am so glad that you found comfort in my prayer for you. Know that you are in mine always. thank you for your support on the situation with my daughters. We will have the results on D9 in a couple of weeks and I am concerned for the fallout for that, but the Lord will ensure that I have the strength to stand firm in the face of whatever comes of it.

"Commit your way in the Lord. Trust in Him and He will do this." Psalm 37:5

SMW

[sandycay]

So, today he played golf, and then stayed for 1.5 hours after golf until 6:30 with no phone call to say he was staying for a beer with the buddies at the CC. Now, he wonders why I get aggravated. I will say I have not expressed this to him on this night as that seems to be a problem. I mean it gets dark here at 5, he started at 12:30, he would typically call at 4:30-5 saying I'm done, gonna have a beer with the guys and come home. Tonight nothing....although I asked him at 12:30 did he want to go out with friends that invited us out. He said yes, so we were waiting for him to call. Rude, although he did apologize and say he lost track of time. WHAT THE FOUCKER EVER. Finally I just went to their house where he eventually showed up and we hung out and played a few games (which I kicked ass BTW) and then we came home.... then this is were it gets really weird and awkward for me to talk about....but we haven't ML since Wed am. We are on minimum once a day if not more type people... Now, this has really put my radar up and I am confused more than ever. How do I approach this? He could tell when we went to bed that I was a bit put off that I could tell he was going to sleep. All my thoughts were to be honest was "I bet he didnt' go to sleep on her"...uughgh now I can't sleep again and have a 9 mile run in the morning to complete in 1hour 20 min. at best. My hair just started growing back in from the shock of the bomb last Jan from lack of nutrition and I am having trouble eating again. I dropped way to much weight last Jan-Feb in to short of time. At one point it was 14 pounds in 13 days. My dr pointed it out. Anyway I don't want to be like that again. Unhealthy and harming my body. The lasting effects are dramatic. I am of small build so weight like that coming off is not good. My caloric in take is in the negative because of my training for this race but damn it I have been training hard and don't want to have to quit 3 weeks out because of this stuff.

Running provides me with "no brainer hours". I am the Forrest Gump of my neighborhood.

I don't know what to do anymore. I acted "as if" when he came to our friends tonight and made sure to touch him (his Language of Love) I know he knew I was not aggravated that he didn't call. We had fun and we got home and nothing. It's like if othe people are around it's a show and fun and if it just us.... I'm so tired and sleepy. (not normal)

Rambling and it's late....my apologies

Blessings to all

[sandycay]

Journaling and a wonderful moment:

After my last post, I sat and prayed and really thought a lot about what he was saying to me all last week. He used to say I never listen, well I think he is mostly right. I just make it all personal. Even if he says it's not about you I project it on myself still. I DON"T LISTEN. All week last week during the rough spots he kept saying it was him not me making him feel that way. Well I didn't trust that, believe that or hear that. That made communication break down ( I did that) because I chose not to listen, hear when he said he was feeling off. I immediately took it as "holy sh@t here we go again". Then I started feeling insecure and you can read from my post where that got me headed. Anyway, I went back to bed Friday night and threw caution to the wind and he was receptive and things are going well which leads to one of the most special moments since our reconcillation.

We are finally joining our church. There is an 8 hour class that you have to attend and we have never been able to due to his schedule. Well my S (14)is attending a confirmation class and part of the is to attend the Welcome to the Family class so it worked out that we could go together. H said yes. He then got invited to go to the Seahawks game on Sun. which he turned down to go with us. Victory number one. We are sitting in a big room with a bunch of stangers and some close friends who are joining as well and with S. We are playing this type of game where the leaders are asking off the wall quesitons and anybody can answer.....a get to know new people exercise. Well, H has never spoke out in church group like that so the leader says: "who is someone who influenced you the most in your life?" Well, H's chair is kind of behind mine and hear my H speak. He said, " My wife (and he put his hand on my shoulder), she has always been there for me, and been a friend to me no matter what" Two other couples in the room know our story, there were about 10 other couples that have no idea and of course my S (who only knows that dad left for a period of time and our best friends and their 2 boys who also know H had moved out)well, I was stunned that he had the heart to say this and in front of our friends who knew "everything" , well it meant the world to me and to look at our son and the other young boys looking at this man with a "wow" look. It was jaw dropping and all I could do to not cry. But to look at the tears in all my friends eyes (even the H) I knew God was working on this H of mine and me. One of my friends spoke to me later and shared that her family was speaking of this and the impact of all my family has been through and to watch it come back together has made such a good impact on their family. She said it has shown faithfullness, forgivness, and even good people fall but they ARE able to get back up and do the right thing. She said it was inspiring. Imagine that! Anyway it was such a sweet moment and think I thanked my husband 4 times last night for it and told him I loved him.