I have been on this board since May posting over in Separated but I thought I would just post over here to see if anyone has any advice. I will try and be brief in my summary
My h and I have been married for 2 and a half years and separated for a year now. He got very ill on honeymoon with Chron's disease and spent the first year of our marriage in and out of hospital. The summer that he got better I lost my job and became a little depressed. He got a new job and was out all of the time, fueling my clinginess. It culminated in a conversation initiated me stating that I wasn't happy. A month later he left with little warning.
Over the past year he has been living in his parents flat (which they are never in) and for the first six months would see me once a week but was reluctant to see me more. Then we both went away on separate holidays and during the time he was away I found out he was away with another girl. I confronted him about this and he said they were just 'very good friends'. I then dropped the topic totally. After we came back he came round to the house and said 'he could no longer carry on'. I have very strong suspicions that he had also been on two previous holidays with her one at New Year and another a few weeks before going on the holiday. Before he left me he had also googled her name on our computer. His 'new' friends were all having affairs and fidelity was treated very lightly and they were all having affairs with each other.
This summer I have not broached the topic again and we have had very little contact, other than that initiated by him. I have tried to initiate on 2 occasions but he said no. However, when we do see each other we get on great, really great and he almost complimented me the last time and nearly said I looked nice. The time before we laughed and laughed but he just won't see me (I don't know if this is pressure from the ow?). Lately we have been emailing each other about work stuff and films etc but he has also been asking me to sell the house, and then not doing anything about it - I agreed back in June. The other week he told me he had moved out of his parents flat and it was very clear from Facebook that he had moved in with this same girl. I had a telephone coaching session with a DBing coach and we composed this letter.
Hi H,
I met with (my chairman) and your email really helped me and I got a lot of strength from your advice, thank you.
I got your recent email and I understand that you have moved into the flat and you are not there by yourself. That explains a lot about what has been going on between you and I since you moved out, and while I recognise that it is not the reason we are not together I can see that your efforts have been directed in another place.
However, I do realise it has been a year since you left so it is not surprising that you are moving forward with your life and it gives me a lot to think about. If I am honest with myself I am beginning to really enjoy the male attention that has been coming my way lately so I understand the attraction of a new relationship.
All that being said I understand there is a lot of stuff we need to do with the house. With regards to your offer of seeing estate agents, I am more than happy for you to go ahead and do that.
I am hoping that this clears the air between the two of us so that we can be more straightforward and comfortable with each other and that this doesn't mean that we can't see each other on occasion in a friendly context.
Love
J
My DB coach felt I needed to set some boundaries and reduce guilt. It would also answer the question of how I would react if I 'found out'. I have not heard back from him as yet but then he is always so reluctant to communicate this is not unusual. His answer to everything is to say nothing or say 'I don't know', hence why, since I started DBing I have backed off from asking any questions.
I don't know really what I am asking here... I just wondered if it is normal for the WAS to be so avoidant? Whether this non-communication etc is typical? And do they ever own up?
