wife texts OM's much older brother a couple times every other week. he is much older, married with children of his own. I know there is nothing going on between them ( I have read the texts when she wasn't around ) he is more or less a "i don't know what my brother's problem is" type of support group.
Should I allow her to talk to him ? she has kept her word so far for almost 4 weeks involving no contact with OM. I feel like she should talk to me if something is bothering her, not OM's brother.
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
I remember in june when my wife left, she was furious to find out I was talking to her sister and parents about her leaving me. I am sure OM would be furious if he knew. she has told his brother "don't tell your brother we talk. he'll hate me more than he already does"
is it fair to let her talk to him since I did the same thing with her sister ?
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
Perhaps it's time you both make a decision to discuss marital problems with each other rather than a second party. Even if nothing is "going on" with the second party, that's often how affairs get started in the first place. People sharing their problems with a "friend" outside the marriage.
If you need a second party, to listen or help out, look for a good therapist who can give you unbiased and more likely better advice. Either individual or couple counseling.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Perhaps it's time you both make a decision to discuss marital problems with each other rather than a second party. Even if nothing is "going on" with the second party, that's often how affairs get started in the first place. People sharing their problems with a "friend" outside the marriage.
If you need a second party, to listen or help out, look for a good therapist who can give you unbiased and more likely better advice. Either individual or couple counseling.
Just tell her. "Wife, how about we make a commitment to each other to ONLY discuss our marital problems with each other, or to an MC or an IC? It makes me feel _______ when you talk to _______ , and you've said before that you didn't like it when I talked to __________, so let's make a deal right now that we ONLY discuss intimate things about our marriage with each other, okay?"
You may need to go to a MC to both learn how to do this. Oftentimes couples do have trouble with this because a S is afraid to share their thoughts thinking the other will get angry or defensive (which is a very natural reaction). I'm sure there are things you don't tell her because you feel this way, but would have an easier time telling to others (like us here on the DB forum!).
Great communication skills is not an instinct, it's something you have to learn. Find a MC that can help you both develop this.
Don't tell me you can't afford this... Even if you only go 12 times a year (once a month), that's cheaper then a D. Tell the MC your main goal is to develop good communication with your W. Whether your marriage survives or not, developing this will be helpful with any relationship.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
