CU, you're new here. I don't know if you have looked, but there are a bunch of books that help married people heal after an affair.
I used to like the one called "After the Affair" I think maybe by Hartley?
My belief is that affairs are selfish, but they DO happen for a reason, typically because the person is not getting what he or she needs at home. Not an excuse, just an explanation. That kind of understanding leads to the realization that both partners need to change and grow in order to recover from an affair and insure against future problems.
When he tells you he hates you, he means it, yes. It hurts to be betrayed. He hates the feeling, and he believes you GAVE HIM that feeling.
But feelings change. It's hard to hear, I'm sure, but it is not forever. Guaranteed. he was not at his best when he said it, I'll wager.
he tells me I have done nothing to make things better, Hmmmm..... this seems like an invitation to me. Surely you are hurt, and maybe you reacted defensively when he said this. "Not true!" maybe you protested. But what if you said... quietly.... "I hear you, you think I haven't made things better. do you have some ideas on what you would like me to do, starting now, to make things better?"
He may be flooded, in which case his answer will be "it's too damn late for that now!" But if he is not flooded, it may be an opening for you.
Take your time. Read about the trials other people have gone through. Get some books.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
