Surrendering to hope

[istherehope]

Thanks Daisy, Opt, and Pisces,

Pisces--great to hear from you! Actually H has not agreed to work on anything and in the last real conversation we had, he said he wanted a D still and wanted to move out, and I freaked out. What happened then is that he left for a business trip the next day and I sent him an email saying I couldn't stop him from moving out, didn't want him to, but that I loved him no matter what and would even help him if he needed me too. I did a lot of soul searching before sending it to make sure that it was genuine, even though it killed me. We haven't talked about that email yet, but he has said thank you for giving him time to think, and has said that he needed to think on the email. So things are better now and they have been for about 1 1/2 weeks, but H has not actually agreed to anything yet., and there have been no R talks for 1 1/2 weeks.

Opt and Daisy--I really do understand what you are saying about staying somewhere else. I will think about it. It is just really exhausting for me to go back and forth like that with work. I do see the point and I know it's not about him it's about me. I also get the point about not examining every pixel :). That is my biggest problem I think, and the thing that ends up driving me crazy. Opt--I think that H may possibly be dealing with some of his issues, am not sure yet. I do know he is still going to his IC, and he is definitely telling me more about things that are unrelated to the M that bother him. This does lead me to believe that he is starting to see that the issues he thought were all me/M maybe are not. I'll reserve judgment on that for the moment though as I am trying not to assume anything here :).

Thanks all for checking in on me. Tonight I will have some space as H has classes until 11, and I am also going to drinks with coworkers. On another note, I know this is me looking at every detail again, but this one is actually kind of important I think. Last night there was a tiny bit of affection in bed. H put his feet against me, something he used to do because he is always too cold and I am always too hot-sounds weird but I always really liked it. Then he rubbed his nose against my face because his nose was cold. I know, very little things, but one of my mini goals was some kind of physical affection beyond ML. He also woke up and sort of grabbed at me during the night in something that could have become ML. I didn't really respond this time beyond moving closer to him, so it didn't go anywhere, but he is definitely noticing me more and more in bed.

OK will try not to obsess over small details today, unless any more of my mini goals are met :). I really do think we're in Stage 2 finally, and it's a very comfortable place to be--that's the best way to describe the interactions now. I am not pushing H at this point on anything. Honestly I will continue to make my own plans, and do my own things, remaining friendly and interested, but not clingy or acting like a GF, or asking him to do anything with me. As Jody suggested I should be acting like H is a guy that I like, who I want to have pursue me a bit. I feel like this is starting to work, even within the house.

So thanks all for checking in on me and looking out for my best interests. My non-H goal today is to get caught up at work and try to start re-establishing myself there. I think this is the best thing I can do with my energies right now.

ITH