Yes I am still here. Did the feeling of betrayal go away because of no contact. . . hmmmm.
No. But No contact HELPED, if that makes sense.
The feeling went away when I stopped looking at myself as a little boy. Did you ever have a weeping fit, and you're just weeping unconsolably, and it goes on for a minute, or five, or sometimes more, and then... it just stops. You're done. Maybe it's that you're out of energy, or you're sleepy, or you've just found a different way to think of whatever was bothering you. It stops.
My 6-yr old daughter does this. She cries and weeps over her skinned knee, or more often, her hurt feelings when her siblings don't share, or whatever. And she cries hard. And then almost in an instant, she stops. It slows a little, then stops completely. She's just done.
It was a little like that for me. I just got tired of feeling betrayed. I got tired of feeling like a victim. I wanted to just be, again.
It was similar to the feeling I had when my dad died. It was sudden, and I wept. And I was lonely. and I felt despair for my mom. But after a time, I just stopped. I thought of my dad's life, instead of his death. I began to think of how he lived, not how he died. And I stopped feeling like an abandoned child and started feeling again like a man with a family of my own, and a life to live. Of course I still miss my dad, but everyone loses their dad, at some point. We deal with it.
So my feeling of betrayal was similar. Not everyone gets that smack in the head, but it happens. Oftener than we might believe. It just took me some time to decide to stop feeling sorry for myself and start living. Deal with it.
No contact helped, because when I was with her, I often felt the rejection anew. Her secrecy, her dates, the ongoing revelations. My situation is quite different from yours in that regard. You have cut all ties with the other man and you are willing to work on the marriage - my wife was not like you in this respect. So for me, distance and no contact was helpful.
For your husband - I think him hanging out with "real men" would be helpful. And I don't mean drinking buddies or guys who are good at rugby. I mean, men who have tried and failed and stood up again. Men who have suffered and lost and risen again. Men of character. Men, specifically.
But ... hmmm... hold on now. You cannot affect any of that, can you? You have no power or influence over him now, do you? In fact it is not your business where he goes or who he sees. Also it is not your business to be in his head trying to heal his feeling of betrayal, is it?
You can only work your side of the street. He has his thing to deal with: his feeling of betrayal. You have yours: Your feeling of neediness.
Let me repeat this: you CANNOT solve his feeling of betrayal. and you MUST NOT try. You have your own thing to concern yourself with. Get out of his head.
What you can do, what is MOST effective for you at this time, is to get a life. Stay out of his head. In fact, stay out of YOURS, too. Instead, get busy focusing on something that brings total immersion. You know, the situation where you are just so focused on what you are doing, you forget yourself. doing a tricky traverse on a rockclimbing wall. Writing the perfect verse. Jamming the perfect guitar riff. Catch the perfect surf wave. Flycasting a beautiful trout stream. Meditate (nothingness). For me it is mountain biking - it requires total concentration (the way I do it). If I don't focus, I crash. Do THAT kind of thing. Total focus in the moment.
Do something where you hit "the flow". Put your mind in a totally different place. Halt the never-ending drumbeat in your head: I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back...
Make it stop. It's not working. Do something else.
