I do feel better but frightened that it is only because this OW seems at this stage a non event. I want to feel better because I an a strong independent woman.
In order to do that , I know to GAL. Thanks to all who have been yelling at me over past few months.
Cocktail party this Friday. i am going to go. I may not stay long but i am going. I may meet some interesting people who have something to say that may spark my interest in something completely new to me. If i dont get out, I will not know.
I'm hangin' tough. She's still running around doing what she's doing; but the kids are I are doing well. I'm so detached from her at this point; I prefer not to see her. If you look at my post from last night; you can see I struggle with the mother/kids relationship right now and I have some unhealthy emotions about it.
I think that's the biggest thing that I have to work on right now.
But so far I've not been served and I haven't filed; so there's still hope I suppose.
Get out and talk to someone. You need a distraction to take it off your mind. I know that's hard right now; but it is necessary. Ring someone on the phone. Go to the store and look around; not necessarily buy anything just go look at stuff you like.
I heard one guy talk about how he used to go test drive cars just to get out of the house.
I know MC . I have talked the ears of anyone who will listen and all the time I am waiting to hear them say ...he will be back.....he does not know what he has lost..... but really I need to shut up and GAL.
Went back to gym tonight and did a workout with a friend and I am sore already. Not looking forward to tomorrow. It was nice being back, i have only been a way a couple of weeks but have been missed. I have lost so much weight as well. Got the endorphins jumping anyways.
I have had a good day today and it is nearly over..... sleeping pill here I come. Why do we fall in love ~!!!!!!!!!!
One of my fears is never having someone to sleep with again. Stupid really cause I only ever moaned about snoring and nocturnal noises when we did share a bed. Ha Ha.
Got to remember I have a lot to be very thankful for. I sort of envy you having your wife still around a bit, cause you can show her how you look etc but then I don't envy you when you get no response. SPM told me to look good when around H, so that he remembers how i look good. Now no contact . that is hard to do.
Ahhhhhhhhhhh
One thing i have learned is that no matter who you are, rich , poor, famous or infamous the pain is still the same. Nothing alters the intensity of emotion of a LBS. We all travel the same journey.
I am having a down day but other than a few moments , i have not been as down as I was last week.
I had an oppotunity to see him this afternoon. Papers to sign , but i resisted and sent them with daughter. I know tomorrow I will feel better bout doing this.
i have been available and nice and a doormat for 2 years, pamoering to all his needs and that got me nowhere. So as a 180 with the intent to become stronger as well i am
1. Having no contact except for once a week email.( except for Tuesday visit ) 2. Have an IC meeting once a week. 3.Going out socially without him tomorrow night. 4. Treated myself to a 1/2 day spa. Did not enjoy it , cried even, but did it anyway.
Am i doing the right thing? It sounds like it when i read this back but it feels almost impossible to keep doing.It hurts real bad. Yet everytime i do something a little more i feel empowered.
But I want my H back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am having a down day but other than a few moments , i have not been as down as I was last week.
I had an oppotunity to see him this afternoon. Papers to sign , but i resisted and sent them with daughter. I know tomorrow I will feel better bout doing this.
i have been available and nice and a doormat for 2 years, pamoering to all his needs and that got me nowhere. So as a 180 with the intent to become stronger as well i am
1. Having no contact except for once a week email.( except for Tuesday visit ) 2. Have an IC meeting once a week. 3.Going out socially without him tomorrow night. 4. Treated myself to a 1/2 day spa. Did not enjoy it , cried even, but did it anyway.
Am i doing the right thing? It sounds like it when i read this back but it feels almost impossible to keep doing.It hurts real bad. Yet everytime i do something a little more i feel empowered.
But I want my H back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That enpowering feeling that you are getting will just get stronger as you keep up your GAL efforts.
Yes I am still here. Did the feeling of betrayal go away because of no contact. . . hmmmm.
No. But No contact HELPED, if that makes sense.
The feeling went away when I stopped looking at myself as a little boy. Did you ever have a weeping fit, and you're just weeping unconsolably, and it goes on for a minute, or five, or sometimes more, and then... it just stops. You're done. Maybe it's that you're out of energy, or you're sleepy, or you've just found a different way to think of whatever was bothering you. It stops.
My 6-yr old daughter does this. She cries and weeps over her skinned knee, or more often, her hurt feelings when her siblings don't share, or whatever. And she cries hard. And then almost in an instant, she stops. It slows a little, then stops completely. She's just done.
It was a little like that for me. I just got tired of feeling betrayed. I got tired of feeling like a victim. I wanted to just be, again.
It was similar to the feeling I had when my dad died. It was sudden, and I wept. And I was lonely. and I felt despair for my mom. But after a time, I just stopped. I thought of my dad's life, instead of his death. I began to think of how he lived, not how he died. And I stopped feeling like an abandoned child and started feeling again like a man with a family of my own, and a life to live. Of course I still miss my dad, but everyone loses their dad, at some point. We deal with it.
So my feeling of betrayal was similar. Not everyone gets that smack in the head, but it happens. Oftener than we might believe. It just took me some time to decide to stop feeling sorry for myself and start living. Deal with it.
No contact helped, because when I was with her, I often felt the rejection anew. Her secrecy, her dates, the ongoing revelations. My situation is quite different from yours in that regard. You have cut all ties with the other man and you are willing to work on the marriage - my wife was not like you in this respect. So for me, distance and no contact was helpful.
For your husband - I think him hanging out with "real men" would be helpful. And I don't mean drinking buddies or guys who are good at rugby. I mean, men who have tried and failed and stood up again. Men who have suffered and lost and risen again. Men of character. Men, specifically.
But ... hmmm... hold on now. You cannot affect any of that, can you? You have no power or influence over him now, do you? In fact it is not your business where he goes or who he sees. Also it is not your business to be in his head trying to heal his feeling of betrayal, is it?
You can only work your side of the street. He has his thing to deal with: his feeling of betrayal. You have yours: Your feeling of neediness.
Let me repeat this: you CANNOT solve his feeling of betrayal. and you MUST NOT try. You have your own thing to concern yourself with. Get out of his head.
What you can do, what is MOST effective for you at this time, is to get a life. Stay out of his head. In fact, stay out of YOURS, too. Instead, get busy focusing on something that brings total immersion. You know, the situation where you are just so focused on what you are doing, you forget yourself. doing a tricky traverse on a rockclimbing wall. Writing the perfect verse. Jamming the perfect guitar riff. Catch the perfect surf wave. Flycasting a beautiful trout stream. Meditate (nothingness). For me it is mountain biking - it requires total concentration (the way I do it). If I don't focus, I crash. Do THAT kind of thing. Total focus in the moment.
Do something where you hit "the flow". Put your mind in a totally different place. Halt the never-ending drumbeat in your head: I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back... I want my husband back...
Make it stop. It's not working. Do something else.
I understand what you say but I cant fully immerse in something right now. i feel stuck. I am doing baby steps. I wish like anything that i could do leaps.
I worry over no contact - he can focus on getting new woman. Fear of getting new woman is that his own insecurities will make him stick with her. Yet statistically and even my new C has said - he is not in the right head space to form a relationship, well a healthy one.
BUT I kow what i was doing did not work, I know that my last shot of hope is silence and space. i know this but the adrenalin still races through my veins when I think about him. But again interestingly not when I saw him Tuesday.
I will get to the place where I can stop this waste of energy and when i do there is plenty to do and plenty of support. I find this site invaluable but worry about lack of success stories ( I may not be looking properly ) i also know that if i were to meet someone, then the fall will soften , i will be distracted but it would not be good for this family or the new relationship. Wrong reasons.
I look forward to sleep just so i can take a pill. Night passes all to quickly though and then i have to get through a whole new day. Weeellll I do think I am making little progress.
Thanks for staying with me, i value yours and anyone elses input.
