Onward and Upward - Part 8!

[glamgirl]

Sirprize you have such great advice! I love reading your posts. I get all that you have said. Thank you for that.

What I really need help with is how do I stop myself before we get to self destruction.

For example, as soon as it was out of h's mouth I am not going to give you what I promised I lost it. DB, respect, all of that just went out the door for me.

This would be a 180 for me. What should I do instead, of jumping all over h. I need a tool here. Any suggestions?

[glamgirl]

Well h can't be too upset, he is planning date night with me on Friday night. We are looking to get a sitter and go out to dinner and then some early Christmas shopping.

[SirPrizeMe]

You know what I did? I started to meditate. I meditated on who I was and how I felt. I envisioned her as a delicate flower, or as a delicate but damaged child. And I envisioned light and empathy pouring out of me toward her. I got a book from Thich Nhat Hanh that offered guidance on daily practice and mediations for developing love and compassion. I had no prior experience with meditating. Not sure if I was doing it "right". But it worked for me.

It gave me more control over my reactions.

[glamgirl]

That is a good point Sirprize. I need control over my reactions. That is exactly what I need.

I first need to recognize when it's happening and then have a solution. Now I should have said oh h this one needs to go on the pad.

We decided on the pad solution and I didn't even recognize it when it hit me straight on.

I think it's called awareness!

[SirPrizeMe]

yes, you have a tool (the pad), but in the moment it is sometimes hard to have the self-control and mindfulness to use it.

[glamgirl]

Ok so h called last night and we chatted briefly he asked what time I was getting off from work. This is always a strange question. I pretty much get off at the same time, unless I am working late, but I have to be off by 6pm to get the kids from daycare.

His check that he was waiting for came early, so the disagreement on Monday had no basis after all. Sad!

He said he was coming over this evening. Well he just texted and said see you tomorrow. I have no idea what time. Oh well, I will just take it as it comes.

We have date night on Friday night. I have been so swamped with work, family and home and just don't see to have enough hours in the day this week.

Check in later!

[MidwesternGirl]

Date night and Christmas shopping--that sounds quite romantic. Hope it is also a cold evening to make it more festive.

[glamgirl]

BND thank you so much for your advice. I know that I can fall easily into that trap of reverting back to my old self. It is hard to make changes and make them stick.

I like the advice. Thank you!

[glamgirl]

Kelaaron I am not sure if this makes much sense to you, but when I say you have to start small that means taking baby steps back to a R.

With my h we could have NO convo's since they just seemed to turn ugly. I know that at the time both h and I were carrying a heavy load of anger.

If your R is such that you have very little convo's and it feels like tension and ice cold, you have to begin somewhere.

A good starting point is to pray that God remove whatever the obstacle that is holding you back. For example, if you have anger on your heart then that has to be removed before you can start loving again.

Then you take baby steps to the R. Like when you get up in the morning, instead of the cold shoulder you say something like Goodmorning h, I am making some breakfast would you like me to heat you up an egg or whatever. You do it with love in your heart and a smile on your face.

Then you go about your day and if things come to mind like h I am target do you need me to pick something up for you or if you are at the grocery store (my h likes a certain energy drink) I always pick some up for him, so he has a cold one when he comes to visit.

The key Kelaaron is to do these things without expecting anything in return. No expectations. This is how it started with my h. After about a year or more of struggling and going dim, dark, no contact etc. I just said throw it all out and be a kind friend to h.

It took months and months of this with not much in return. Not even a thank you. Then one day I started to be blessed in small ways. H would do something nice back or say something kind. I would acknowledge and say thank you etc and now my sitch has progressed to where we are today.

My h is NOT home but he is sure way closer than he has ever been. It's called progress. I hope this helps.

[SirPrizeMe]

GG, date night and christmas shopping sounds like heaven. That is the stuff that makes a marriage!