Today I went to a crowded movie house, saw the new James Bond film (yes, before the official release!). It was so crowded I had to sit waaaaay up front. First time in a long time I sat so close. In the dialog sceens it was fine, I could see everything. but I couldn't make sense of the action scenes on screen! I was pushing my head back into the seat trying to take it all in, but I was so close, when things started moving really quickly, I couldn't process it all - it was too big, too much action. I needed to back away to see it. and not just a little, a lot. Like 10 rows.
Sometimes we are so close to our own situations we cannot really see clearly. And we could use a different perspective. one from 10 rows back. Not a "true" perspective, just a different one. And that's what I try to do - offer my perspective. A different view.
In my own situation, I took advice from friends, and family, and lots of people. and you know what I learned? everyone brings an agenda. My friends were all hurt for me. They were angry and wanted paybacks. My pastor was indignant. He wanted to cast out the sinner. My family was supportive but some of them also blamed me. My lawyer wanted me to fight. The friends who were divorced encouraged me to go forward a divorce of my own - "it's better to just get it over with."
I didn't think any of this advice was quite right. Each of them were a little bit right. But none was completely right for me.
The advice I thought that was closest to true for me, most consistently "right" for me, was from friends who were distant - the people here. People who understood what I was going through but did not feel hurt on my behalf, did not take my situation personally, forced me to accept responsibility without guilt or blame. So I'm trying to give back, for what I got. Like a lot of people here I think.
For the record: I am not a counselor! I am an engineer by education and a computer nerd by trade. I was a little like this in my marriage. I mean the base principles were there, but the thoughtfulness and mindfulness were not as developed. I've been practicing! I took the bomb as a wakeup call to work on myself, and though the effort has not been steady, the intention has been unwavering.
It helps that all the stuff I previously filled my life with - taking csare of kids every day, maintaining a house, working in the garage, etc etc - it all disappeared. So now I have much more free time.
good meetings at work - making good progress and good decisions on how to run the business. I feel I am immediately contributing, to a level commensurate with the additional responsibility I've gotten recently.
watched the James Bond flick - played hooky from work in the p.m. to do it.
had a difficult but ultimately satisfying meeting with the property management company. I rent a house, we're having a disagreement on how to manage the rent. I looked at it as an opportunity to exercise my new skills in conflict resolution in a totally safe venue. Spoke quietly. Clearly stated what I expected. They were defensive, and I explained that I was not blaming them, only that I wanted something other than what they were offering. They said they'd get back to me. This was very satisfying.
Tonight was my night with the kiddos. We had, as usual, a blast. They were all as happy to see me as I was to see them.
My son (12) is going to do the ski club this winter and I will be chaperoning him and the other 12 year olds - WARNING: NORMAL LIFE AHEAD. Also I got to give him a good ego boost - I had to rate his skiing skill, so the club organizers know how much supervision he needs. I put him at 8 on a 9 point scale (totally honestly). He was pleased. Me too. His mom has no idea how well he skis, hasn't seen him ski in 2 years. She asked me to rate him.
My daughter (6) brought a card game for us to play, and we played a bunch of games. Somehow I cannot manage to beat her! Just once tonight, I won by mistake, but then she got on a hot streak! I love to see her gloat when she wins. She comforts me sometimes. It's so adorable.
They were all crawling all over me. They need touch. Me too. All of them were jumping on me, wrestling and ticking me. I am very ticklish, my six year old can incapacitate me with a single finger. I think I need to come up with a "safe word" because when I beg them to stop, they think it's funny, and I am gasping for air.
We made a great dinner - flank steak and twice baked potatoes. Simple but the kids approve, you know? The 6 yr old helped me with the potatoes - they all love to help cook. (Last week the 13-yr old and I made the Lasagne, and the girls and I baked cookies.) For appetizers tonight we just had some cold fresh veggies and some of that Izze soda - Pomegranate. Oh and I bought a berry pie for dessert, which is a weakness of my daughter (10). (and me too) I try to make it an occasion when I see them for dinner, a small delight for all of us. I get ready before they come, so I can truly be with them when they are here, you know, not running around trying to put dinner on the table or doing housework. This is the kind of thing you can't really sustain when you see your kids every day. It gets old and routine. But I don't see em every day, so I try to make the most of it when I do see them. My restricted time with them - it's a blessing in some ways. I never wanted this, still don't. But because I have less time with them - it is a reminder to not take anything for granted. I look forward to it, and I think they do, too.
The wife was driving a new BMW sedan when she met me for kid exchange. The kids were very excited about the car, and though I did not ask, they wanted to tell me all about it. Turns out it is a dealer loaner. It seems the transmission in the minivan died. Luckily for her, the warranty still had 2 more months to go. So what could have been a $7000 car repair is free. Even the loaner car is free. I wonder if she has taken this opportunity to think about the meaning of the term "safety net". Probably not. If the transmission had let go just 3 months later, she'd be stuck with that bill.
But as I said in someone else's thread, if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his a$$ a-hoppin. No sense in thinking in if's. I don't want a wife who wants me for money anyway.
So thanks for asking, GG. I feel good, glad to have spent the evening with my loveys. I hope you are doing well.
I am an engineer by education and a computer nerd by trade.
SirPrize! Are you sure you're not my H! Your statement above is true of him too!
I would like to second the comments from Chicki and Glam! You are something special!
Peace and blessings, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Are you sure you're not my H! Hey that would be something - I wonder has it ever happened that both spouses (spice?) were on the DB board independently, unbeknownst to the other? That would be funny/sad/weird/delightful.
a beautiful sunrise. It's cloudy now, but the morning sky was an explosion of color. So dramatic. All sorts of happy-to-be-alive colors.
the people who came before me. I went for a jog this morning - it used to be running but these days, for me, it is jogging - on a trail built and maintained by people I don't know. As I jogged along, I felt thankful they made it.
a good night's sleep. I slept really well last night.
Sir, you really amaze me. You have such a great appreciation for life itself and it doesn't seem to get you down. I'm not sure if you've ever visited me, but if so, can you please give me your opinion as a man on what it is that's going on here? Thanks!
I forgot to say - as I was jogging along this morning, running on the tapestry of leaves on the trail, I noticed the leaves. Big oak leaves, as big as your head, just a carpet of them. The variety of color in the leaves was amazing. And I love the smell of fallen leaves, too.
