Today I went to a crowded movie house, saw the new James Bond film (yes, before the official release!). It was so crowded I had to sit waaaaay up front. First time in a long time I sat so close. In the dialog sceens it was fine, I could see everything. but I couldn't make sense of the action scenes on screen! I was pushing my head back into the seat trying to take it all in, but I was so close, when things started moving really quickly, I couldn't process it all - it was too big, too much action. I needed to back away to see it. and not just a little, a lot. Like 10 rows.
Sometimes we are so close to our own situations we cannot really see clearly. And we could use a different perspective. one from 10 rows back. Not a "true" perspective, just a different one. And that's what I try to do - offer my perspective. A different view.
In my own situation, I took advice from friends, and family, and lots of people. and you know what I learned? everyone brings an agenda. My friends were all hurt for me. They were angry and wanted paybacks. My pastor was indignant. He wanted to cast out the sinner. My family was supportive but some of them also blamed me. My lawyer wanted me to fight. The friends who were divorced encouraged me to go forward a divorce of my own - "it's better to just get it over with."
I didn't think any of this advice was quite right. Each of them were a little bit right. But none was completely right for me.
The advice I thought that was closest to true for me, most consistently "right" for me, was from friends who were distant - the people here. People who understood what I was going through but did not feel hurt on my behalf, did not take my situation personally, forced me to accept responsibility without guilt or blame. So I'm trying to give back, for what I got. Like a lot of people here I think.
For the record: I am not a counselor! I am an engineer by education and a computer nerd by trade. I was a little like this in my marriage. I mean the base principles were there, but the thoughtfulness and mindfulness were not as developed. I've been practicing! I took the bomb as a wakeup call to work on myself, and though the effort has not been steady, the intention has been unwavering.
It helps that all the stuff I previously filled my life with - taking csare of kids every day, maintaining a house, working in the garage, etc etc - it all disappeared. So now I have much more free time.
