God grant me the patience and the strength...8

[theotherhalf]

WCW,
Please don't take this the wrong way. I don't always put into words correctly what I mean...but is being "detached" not wanting to be with my H anymore? Is it not hurting that he wants to go back to live somewhere else? Is it not loving him and loving being with him?

Isn't being detached to leave him to figure this out on his own. Leting him work through his troubles on his own. Not reacting to him. Not bugging him. Not asking questions. Isn't it just doing what makes ME happy?

The farm work, H has been now asking me to help. I may put it out there that I will, if he says no, I walk away and do something else. And WCW if there was a way the other night I would have figured it out. But the damb thing wouldn't start and time was limited and that was that. Still ticks me off.

OW really has no impact on me anymore. I wish her no bad nor good. She isn't worth my thoughts. BUT I am bugged about her saying that I "won". That is the most pathetic statement I've ever heard. I wish I could say something to H, in my defense but then would have to admit to snooping so will leave it alone. But it is bugging me.

I don't think that I can get into any trouble with him in contact with her. We don't talk about her except for maybe on occasion about this court stuff. I won't answer his phone. And he never offers anything about her calling or anything. I am praying that she meant what she said, that she won't call him anymore. I pray that they are done. I guess time will tell...

H is still here. He hasn't done anything yet to fix the pickup. Hasn't said a word about going back home anytime soon. Last night and this morning he really had an attitude. This morning I started out trying to make him laugh, lighten the mood. Didn't work so then I kind of gave it back. Before I left for work I walked up to him and planted a couple kisses on his lips. He gave me a growly look. I just smiled and walked away and said, "I know, you didn't want that but I wanted to so, have a good day". He said ya, you to. Tonight he was in a much better mood.

Another problem...I think D17 is having a real issue with H being here. She has had an attitude all week. I've asked her what is wrong but like her dad, she says "nothing". Tonight she kind of spilled her beans. H was gone to work. She said "when dad's around life is all about him". I said how can you say that to me. I am ALWAYS here for you. There was more to the conversation but we got no where and she's mad and I'm hurt. Time to let her cool off then we are going to have to sit down and talk.

Sometimes I feel like giving up on all of it. It sometimes feels like no matter what I do it's never enough for either of them. I sometimes think that maybe I should just dissappear. Then they all could be happier. I won't but the thought does cross my mind. I just feel so frustrated and torn in so many directions.