Worse before Better?

[Sophie]

Ah…such nice familiar names. Hi Val and Snodderly 

Thank you helping me think through this.

I worked on most things that have been pointed out to me concerning resentment, letting go….etc. My three kids got me going to church after their vacation bible school and that has helped me detach and just live my life doing what makes me feel good. I truly feel I have my life back…the life I had before kids. I am a runner, I’ve been running 4+ miles a day 5-7 days a week. I work full time (part time pay though), teaching on line, I am the parent of my kids and I have become so comfortable with ‘as if’ that I just ‘am’.

I remembered an idea brought to me here on this board that my H probably saw me as an obstacle to his kids , that we were a package deal. I understand he and I couldn’t reconnect like that. I just had enough and dropped the rope like it was too hot to touch. I have done absolutely nothing but go about my business and H has seen, spent time with the kids whenever and wherever he wanted to.

After a couple weeks, he ended up spending most of his time with them here….in this house. Sometimes, I’d hang around…but, bottom line…I did what I wanted to do…run, work, call a friend on the phone, make dinner for the kids, snacks …. If H wanted to partake, he did. I treated him as I would my nice neighbor.

I have NOT responded to his email. So far, I haven’t felt it deserves a response. After two days of thinking, thinking and reading pages of posts I have copied from (your suggestion, Snodderly) Stages of MLC Through the Eyes of a Visitor I and II)….I think H is panicking and acting like a child and you’re right….’mom’ didn’t rescue him…and so, I get a threat.

I started to suggest he open a separate checking account that he and I can write checks to pay these bills and his body reacted as if I asked him to take out the trash. Too much effort!

I gave the checks back and said I didn’t want to get into fights with him over money. I told him that he has been doing a pretty good job with the bills for almost 3 years.

I’m a little bummed to hear he hasn’t been at this very long…it’s been 3 years.

When he left 3 years ago, he was higher than a kite. A new place, his 69 camaro, his fast motorcycle. Now, all is sold…gone. He said he has nothing left to sell. He doesn’t have enough money coming in. I know what he makes, he’s always been honest about that.

In one breath he says he knows I don’t have any more money to contribute, and the next day he’s asking me what I pay for and where does all my money go?????

Other than throwing out the divorce threat, I have looked for all the signs of OW…I remember them clearly from the first time. He has spent so much time here, the kids have been at his place and it is a mess…no lady touch there!

In this state, which is a fault state, he disserted us. He has left me taking care of everything, and to raise the kids.

H committed adultery and if only separated, which we are not legally, he can still be charged with that if he is dating anyone now.

I don’t see how he is going to benefit by a divorce. I think he may have filed something a while back to ensure his rights to see his kids. He threatened to do that last May.

I agree, the man child tried to bring his responsibilities to me to take care of…to rescue him. I didn’t/couldn’t.

Again, he is at the bottom of the pit financially. I think he is panicking and I’m not going to help him maintain his bachelor pad.

There aren’t very many solutions in this case.
He can get a roommate…he said he doesn’t want to do that.
He could have moved here…he said he doesn’t want to do that.
He could find a cheaper place…but, he already has one of the cheapest places.
What’s left??

A divorce? That’s his solution???? Even if I get served, that won’t help him in the coming month, or months pay bills.

He’s up a creek.