CM..just posted over in your thread..thanks for the words..and of course they are worth saying...I know you are right when you say h would probably not go..just that in one of our talks last year h made reference that we always did the same..Fri,night movie and if he said he was tired or just did not want to go..he could sense I was disappointed, so he went..I think he was/is a pleaser..for the most part easy going..but I can see the past months that he says no to things...
You have been s a long time..I have not read all your threads, but you sound strong..you have to be to go on that long..I hope that you are going forward with your life..doing fun things for you..I take it you have grown kids also..it seems easier than to battle as some of the younger people here.
Thank you for pointing out my blessings..that is something I try to remember each day..when I look around at others, I feel like having a broken m is nothing compared to what some people are dealing with.
Went to church this morning..was just sitting there and h came in and sat down for a minute..we talked about this and that..thought he might sit with me, but he had been at 1st service and was running the video for kids time..did chat as a group afterwards..I asked him again if he would hang the blind...have not seen him yet. So a positive..h sought me out...he had no real good reason to..except maybe he wanted to!!!! I sometimes look at him and wonder what he is feeling ...why he seems so unsure... he says he likes his job..loves the church work...we have two great kids..have each found our own outside interests..what more does he think he might be missing...from a past statement about the ff hopping into bed with another man before she is d, says to me that he's not partakng in another woman..so who knows...again I will wait..but I will live!!!
I think he does care...we are having a bat problem...in the attic..woke up at 5 am to one flying past me..I nearly had a heart attack...called h to come over at about 8 and he searched the b-room and could not find..we closed door..dd and I slept downstairs..son came down this morning and it or another was in the bathroom..a friend at our local animal control came and got it..they aren't suppose to, and I have a pro coming sat.. so it is going to be a long time before I sleep back in that room..alone...h ended the conversation mon night that if I was ok to sleep downstairs and I was not too worried then he would not worry either... and he has called about about dd car and who I got to come sat..duh...maybe I should have whined my way to asking him to come and stay with us..but or l-room is not big enough for 3 or 4 to sleep...and that would have shown weakness..he knows that mice and bats make me sick to think about. Enough bat story..
Just thought it was nice that he is showing some care..and he really should it's his dd and house too..I told dd that maybe we could put it on the market this weekend and move!!!!!!!!
Just journaling..h came over today to meet with the "bat" man..we only have maybe 15 in the attic..that's 15 too many..we really need a new roof..so I said to h do we want to spend that kind of money..I was trying to hint if we were going to keep the house..I can't keep it alone..with out his money..he said it needs to be done whether we sell it or not..son was present, as I would have liked to pursue..but did not...a little while ago I called ad asked him if he wanted to go the the Kevin Costner movie..he sounded different, but said yes..when I hung up I wished that I had not called him..I got the feeling that he did not want to go...if he would just say so..now I am going to feel tense with him..ohhhhhhhh what is this all going to become..days like this I am getting tired of it all..I tell myself I am going to wait for him to ask me...
Do you think I need to back off ..I don't really call him unless I really want to ask him something..I have never called just to say hi, and I won't.
Will go tonight and enjoy myself...I have to try and not let his mood pull me down or think it is me..maybe he has had a bad day or week...that is where alot of my feelings got all twisted..thinking it was always me he was mad at..
Went to movie and h was ok..seemed to be more quiet than usual..)of course he is so talkative anyways!!)Enjoyed the movie..dropped me off and I thanked him..end of evening!!
Just got knocked off...and had a long post!!!oh well... church sermon was about anger today..pastor talked about not holding on to anger when the sun goes down...there is reference in the Bible to that...he also said that while some anger that we have is for real problems, but that alot of it is for silly things..and to sort and let go of the things that are really not that important.
I was in the office and h came through to leave..he said something about" thats it..I gotta leave"..so I said is everything ok..and he vented to ME...short and sweet, but this is from someone who does not express his feelings. He was running the sound system and some guy that we really don't care for..Mr know- it- all, his son was going to play the baby grand, and he put a mic in it and had the top open..h said we never open the top, except for a special pianst..now that was a minor thing..but you have to know this guy..so I just said to h"let go before the sun goes down".. he kinda smiled and left. He could have gone out another door..he could have said nothing...just when I think he really wants me out of his life or at least out of our m,my faith comes back and tells me that he really is not complete with his journey and what he really wants..but I need to stop assuming that everytime he's in a mood, that it's because of me or us....this roller coaster ride is making me dizzy..
Help..I need some reassurance..a 2x4..I was talking to sil (my side of family)tonight and she was telling me that someone at church had asked her about h and I ..as he was telling about the "bats" and was asked where we live..he said I live in the house and he lives elsewhere.. this person was shocked and asked sil if we were d..she also told me that h asked her if in our worship meeting I speak up or volunteer for stuff..she said yes..now this one really bothers me..it does not sound like something he would ask her..he knows me pretty well and knows at times I can voice my opinion and he knows I volunteer..so I would like to ask him if this is what he said and why would he ask her.Sil also said the pastor asked her once if she thought I was doing ok..and sil said that she gets defensive for me in that it all seems to be about h and what he wants or does not want.
So question..dilema...for all those that have so faithfully followed me:give me some strength or do's or don't..should I confront h as to what the h*** he wants in this r??Should I continue to wait..I know that you can't give me the"answer" I trust and respect what you guys think and say..I will always make the final decision..but am I crazy to be waiting almost a year and h shows no interest in the two of us as a m couple? When he left he said he needs his time to find himself and that the two of us need to get to know each other again..well the last part has not even started. I know this sounds like a broken record..I go along ok until someone stirs things up..Sometimes I wonder if he feels such guilt for hurting me,( yet I have always had the feeling that he does not see that I was hurt) OR have I hurt him so deeply for implying an a, that he can't bring himself to have anymore contact with me than what we have..and the only way is to ask him...and that is what this is all about....
Well as promised I came by to read your thread so here's my two stinkin cents worth.
What struck me about your posts is that you seem to be pursuing (calling about movies, stuff like that) and that on the occassions that you see your H, I wonder if you don't come across "sad." NOT that all of that isn't perfectly normal, but I found with my H that when he is in his own painful funk...he sure as heck doesn't want to be around mine.
I saw tremendous changes in the way my H and I began to relate again just by NOT being sad all the time. Someone that's already bummed out doesn't want to be around anybody else that's in the same miserable place.
If your H isn't much of a movie buff, pick something different that you know HE'LL like.
My H has always owned a Harley, I always hated the damn thing. Well, when we began our 2nd reconciliation attempt I decided that despite the fact that I hate that damn bike I'd 'act as if' I'd like to try going for a ride.
Well he was shocked and one ride "date" led to another and another until all of a sudden he began planning day trips to things ONLY I would normally like.
We started out very tentative on "dates" with conversation being difficult but we now can talk about the most mundane things and we both try to 'act as if' we're interested in whatever it is we're talking about.
My H and I (with my initiation) have an occassional R talk (because I'm no longer afraid to say what I'm really thinking). They don't last long, they're pointed (addressing what ever is bugging me)and then they're over.
I made being around me easy for my H and he is beginning to make it easy to ask him what I need to know. Just a few short weeks ago it was STILL all about him, but the past few weeks I am finally seeing that for him, it's also now becoming about ME TOO.
Be his buddy for now. Whether that means attending a football game at your kid's university with him, or a quick cup of coffee after a church meeting. MAKE EVERY contact UPBEAT and CASUAL....NOT about your R or M. You have the rest of your lives together to work through the junk that got you two where you are today, so for now, go back to square one and 'act as if' you just met a guy you find attractive....you certainly wouldn't act sad and whiny around that guy now would ya?
Let go of being his wife for now, be his freind, and watch how things begin to change in YOUR favor.
I was just in the place you were--wanting to push/confront and waiting for him to see all the pain he caused me and I think this colored my actions, not consciously, but nevertheless did and has lead to the crisis I'm now in.
There is a story in DR about Carol and her H. From how it reads it was after 9 months it began to turn around, but her strategy was to "work on herself" and "make herself happy"--how many times do we hear that, but are we truly living it? I think I do in tiny spurts, but not constantly.
He's in pain/confusion/angst. We need to show our love through patience. What are the hard realities if we give up? I think trying has a lot of great advice, I need to be following it too. But I would stay away from the confrontation for now, unless you are truly ready for the possible consequences.
Thanks guys..Jackie I was just over at your place..
T2 I am not sad and whinny around him..trust me I feel great most of the time about me..I am sad when I am alone or when things like the sil talk come up..He loves movies..but in 25 years has never been the one to ask me to do stuff..so I ask him..I am moving forward with most things in my life..but for how long do I want to be "s" without any direction on where it is going? Those are what I have to decide.
You know, I've started to write posts to you any number of times, but I stop not sure exactly what to say. It's difficult because, given the information you've provided (or even only the information that you know of), your sitch is a bit different than most others. Thus, it's hard to draw experience from others and apply it to yours... In any case...
I've often thought that your H had an EA with that woman way back when, but never "did" anything about it, and thus, has caused him to question things. With many of our Ses, we know this junk is process...a process they have to work through and come out the other side. How long does this process take? Well, seems to me, for the most part, it's about a year, give or take a month or two. You are approaching this "milestone."
You've been working at it a long time. Perhaps your H has become "content" to just remain in this stasis because, after a year, it's what he knows. Perhaps you are fearful of telling him how you feel because you want to give him space and don't want to push him away. It seems this fear has placed you in a sort of stasis as well. Maybe you guys are just stuck and one of you needs to kick the other in the butt...maybe???
There has to come a point in everyone's situation where we have to make some sort of stand or statement...tell them how we feel. We also know that to really work on an R requires spending quality time with each other rebuilding that R. Oddly enough, our Ses think this should come naturally...that their feelings should come "back, full-force, without having to work on it...with us... Many times our Ses need to be educated about this dynamic, but they will only listen when they are "ready."
Are you ready to make this stand, Sue? Or are you willing to give him more time to sort through things? Yes, this is a question only you can answer, but you also need to take care of yourself and your needs. Sue is no less important than H.
Sorry I couldn't be more help. Take care of yourself.
