Good evening Sue, Taking more time from work for yourself! That very Around here, the bus companies offer day trips to various regional activities, such as casinos, resorts, diner and a play in the "big" city, tourist attractions, etc... Would there be anything like that near you? My IL's started doing that when they retired and they want to travel some but didn't like to drive. They discovered there is a group of regulars that did many of these trips and became friends with them or perhaps you can get a friend to go with you?
I want to go back to an earlier post about your upcoming anniversary. LL posted a list of questions in hopes the answers might guide you on what to do. There was one question tho that perhaps you should ask H in order to know exactly what to do:
Quoting LL: what do you want to do for the anniversary?
Quoting Sue: ... she got to thinking "who's looking after Sue, so she just wanted to hang out and get to know me better..
Again, start of by taking people at face value Sue. It a very compassionate gesture on her part. Even tho this board is a great meduim for support, I would welcome the oppurtunity for the possiblitly for as much face to face contact with people who could lend their support. Even if that support come in the form of a general friendship that doesn't get to deep personally. How personal you want to get is up to you. As with any friendship that needs to develop, start of with conversations of general views to get an understanding if her values are compatible with yours so you can determine if you will feel comfortable relating personal details.
Of course, you want to present to her the same "new" Sue that you would like H to see. Let her sense that while you may be uncertain on how things will turn out, that you know you will be OK. That you welcome additional support to group you turn to now.
You can look at this as an oppurtuntiy that she may fill the role of a mediator that may help bridge the gap that is between your H and you right now. You've mentioned a few time how you hold back from reaching out to H and I've hinted at this before, that I get the sense that the same may be true about H, therefore there's a possiblity that each of you are creating a distance between you that may have become unnecessary at this time. By having your Pastor know both POV's, she can determine for you if this is true and can place her in a position of bridging the gap between you so that you may move back towards each other.
PNT...I think you are right on..thank you for coming by..KAW thanks so much..the breakfast was good..I was nervous going in, but she has a way of relaxing you..she did start out by asking how I was doing..with everything that is going on..am I ok with the way it is..I said I was ok, but of course I would like it to be back to h and I together....she did tell me that he has not talked to her about us since last year, that it is pretty much church stuff and their own frustrations about things..also said that she would never tell anything that was said..which I knew anyways..we then got sidetracked on to something else relating to h, and I never had the chance to go back to a little more detail..
I really think you are right, KAW and maybe h is as scared as I am, yet I think he knows that I want our m to survive,I call him..I still wear my rings... and that's what leads me to believe that he either does not want it, or is not sure yet. A few people have indicated that they don't know what I am waiting for..I am waiting for h to decide what he wants..does that sound weird, or like I am afraid to move on wihtout him..cause I am not afraid..just want to respect what he asked for last fall..and really the time thing can't be a factor..sometime when he seems in a talking mood, and I get real nerve I will ask..until then I wait..patiently..
hi Bob..what did you fix for dinner..it would be so nice to have someone else cook for a change.. Over on CLS fans post he mentioned how it is us, the left behinds that have to watch every word we say, move we make and it is so true, that we have to revolve around what our s want..and that is ok..as long as each person is ok with it..right now I have nothing that all of this is holdong me back from..I will continue with my life the same as if h were here and things were ok..now many people are not content to do that for very long..but how long is too long?
I worry too much about what other people think..but I have gotten much better over the past year.
Did call h last night to see how Dr.apt went with mil..she is having heart problems..had a stress test and they will call her right away if anything bad...ha nd I talked a little about my visit with pastor..he did not know we were going..told him she asked how I was doing..if I was ok with the way things are..I told him what I said to her. He had no response..it could have sparked a conversation, but it did not. We are suppose to go to our video club sat night, but we are both not happy with the guy "running" it..he wants it to be a therepy..let's all go around the circle and talk..I just want to enjoy a movie and discuss it with a group of people, not be forced to talk about stuff that doesn't even relate to the movie.
Quoting hoping: A few people have indicated that they don't know what I am waiting for..I am waiting for h to decide what he wants..does that sound weird, or like I am afraid to move on wihtout him..cause I am not afraid..just want to respect what he asked for last fall..and really the time thing can't be a factor..sometime when he seems in a talking mood, and I get real nerve I will ask..until then I wait..patiently..
No its not weird at all. In fact, its your God given right and freedom of choice to wait as long as you feel its right for you, so nobody else has a say in the matter! ... here on the bb (and I hope I didn't give this preception in my last posting) or in your community ... even your H doesn't have a say in what stance you decide to take!!!
Quoting hoping: He had no response..it could have sparked a conversation, but it did not.
I'm so sorry for your disappointment that H didn't prursue the oppurtunity. I know I felt disappointed in reading that, I can only imagine how let down you must feel. ((( HUGS )))
... but I caution that H seemed caught off guard by Pastor's meet with you. It could be he felt paralyzed with guilt to be able to respond ... that he could have been at a loss for words by realizing just then, the position he has placed you in that your Pastor felt she needed to check on you. It could have highlighted for him, his lack of concern for you, by not asking those questions himself ... perhaps made him feel a little inadequate in the way he has conducted himself as of late around you. Maybe he might even back off some. So if that happens, do take it personally, it more likely he is more displeased with himself, don't think his distancing is about you.
Maybe instead of video night, go out for some ice cream... ... have a good weekend Sue.
I think one of the things we learned in this process is that there isn't any "right" thing to do--it is what feels right to you.
Too bad he didn't take an opportunity to pick up on the convo, but kudos to you for not forcing it! You said he has a certain amount of words per day, maybe he needs to process it and think about it and he will say something if he feels it is pertinent.
Continue to be the strong person you are and do what you feel is right in your heart!
I think one of the things we learned in this process is that there isn't any "right" thing to do--it is what feels right to you.
Too bad he didn't take an opportunity to pick up on the convo, but kudos to you for not forcing it! You said he has a certain amount of words per day, maybe he needs to process it and think about it and he will say something if he feels it is pertinent.
Continue to be the strong person you are and do what you feel is right in your heart!
KAW..you have a great way of making me think..until I read it, I did not even think that h was taken by surprise that pastor talked to me..after our conversation I thought maybe I told him too much..the fact that they are so close and she did not mention that she was having breakfast with me surprises me..it was no secret meeting and she did not pry into our m problems..I hope that he is not upset with her for asking me if I am ok with things the way they are.Maybe just the little bit will jolt him into thinking about us and what the future may hold.
Ran into wife of h coworker, we did things as couples last year and the ff-coworker was also latched onto her h..she said since the ff found her new man, that she also dumped her h as a friend..I said that is good, but that when my h needed her last fall for the friend that he thought she was, she had moved on to her new man..dumped my h..good for me, but sad for h.
I thought about asking h to movie, but I will hold back..he may be doing these things becasue it is easier, as all the years past to go, rather than say no. I want him to make a move..even though I know that is not him, if I don't always ask..I could ask him if it is too much that I ask him to do things..if he would rather I don't...that would not be a full blown r talk..but might open things up for him.It kills me to know if he is going to renew his lease..but I am not asking....
My real fantasy..and trust me I know it is not reality..is that on our anniv..he sends me flowers with a note that says "I would like to start over again" It is just something I wish could happen..I read way too many romance stories where everything works out happily ever after. I will not be waiting for the flowers or sad that it did not happen. Just a harmless wish!!!
Hi Hoping - I'm catching up and realize that I had neglected to read your thread for a while - I'm sorry.
Some thoughts: (Please remember these come from the gal who has been sep two and one half years so they may not be worth much.
Quote: I thought about asking h to movie, but I will hold back..he may be doing these things becasue it is easier, as all the years past to go, rather than say no. I want him to make a move..even though I know that is not him, if I don't always ask..I could ask him if it is too much that I ask him to do things..if he would rather I don't...that would not be a full blown r talk..but might open things up for him.
I don't think H would go out with you "just because it is easier". Actually I think it is easier for these aliens to say "No"; makes them feel in control. I would think that if you ask and H does go out with you, it's because he really wants to be with you, albeit maybe just for the length of the movie or whatever. Just try to put on a good act, like you are not in pain or sad or wanting him to return right now. My H took me to the movies right after the bomb and I cried (!) in the movie and pursued R talk after. BIG MISTAKE - but then again I didn't know about DB.
Quote: It kills me to know if he is going to renew his lease..but I am not asking....
I went through this also - the waiting, the hoping. I hope for your sake H returns after lease is up. If he doesn't, don't give up, just go on as usual.
Quote: My real fantasy..and trust me I know it is not reality..is that on our anniv..he sends me flowers with a note that says "I would like to start over again" It is just something I wish could happen..I will not be waiting for the flowers or sad that it did not happen. Just a harmless wish!!!
Oh how I can empathize with this. I keep thinking maybe Christmas will be the time, but reality tells me that's just not so and I will go on as usual (unless I cave in first.)
HOPING, you are blessed with DD, church and pastor, redecorating and most importantly, those romance novels . Enjoy!
Even tho this board is a great meduim for support, I would welcome the oppurtunity for the possiblitly for as much face to face contact with people who could lend their support. Even if that support come in the form of a general friendship that doesn't get to deep personally. How personal you want to get is up to you. As with any friendship that needs to develop, start of with conversations of general views to get an understanding if her values are compatible with yours so you can determine if you will feel comfortable relating personal details. 
so they may not be worth much.