Could all of this be because our M has been a SSM

[Bagheera]

1) We did the 5 love languages quiz. He is the PHYSICAL TOUCH one. And he has identified sexual intimacy as his #1 need. If I can't give him that, how can I meet his need for emotional intimacy?

Him, me, Cinco, and nearly every other HD male on this forum would identify physical touch as our #1 love language -- hence why we come here, venting, frustrated, and agonizing over it.

The best thing that you can do is: KEEP REACHING OUT TO HIM PHYSICALLY.

All it takes is about 20 seconds of touch to produce a rise in Oxytocin (the 'bonding' hormone) in the recipient. A touch, a caress, a hug, a kiss (in its infinite varieties), a massage, sitting thigh to thigh, cuddling, spooning.....all of this goes toward making him feel loved.

And yes, the highest form of this is sexual intimacy, so as you are able to (and comfortable with yourself), coax him in that direction. Treat his erection state as of no real concern, relax and help him to relax, take it in stride, and be aware that he may require higher levels of physical stimulation (manual, oral, or whatever) to become fully erect, than before. And if he's not able to relax and respond, then FIND ALTERNATE ACTIVITES and achieve a high level of physical intimacy anyway. Hopefully, he's attentive enough to pleasure you regardless of his own arousal state --> if not, you'll need to gently direct him towards doing that.

2) Discussion of our "relations" does not happen. So how do I communicate to him what you and Cinco have explained to me here?

As DanceQueen is fond of pointing out frequently: he's going to have to get over this sex-talk phobia. In order to have a happy and fulfilling sex life for both partners, frequent, open, and very honest communication MUST occur, period. There's no way around it. It took me months of steadfast work to bring my wife around to this mode of thinking, but now we can bring up a bedroom topic pretty easily with each other -- and it has made a world of difference in our sex life. Now that we can talk about our sex life outside of the bedroom (where it can be done more 'academically'), we're working on our communication inside of the bedroom: it's hard for both of us, and we both tend to be overly-sensitive about directions/corrections coming from our partner 'in the moment.'

Having said all of that, let me recommend a book: The New Male Sexuality, by Bernie Zilbergeld. If he won't talk to you about what's going on, then perhaps you can convince him to educate himself? This book would be a good read for both of you, as it smashes a lot of myths (held by both men AND women) about male sexuality, and contains several chapters describing the detailed exercises used by sex therapists to treat such problems as erectile dysfunction and permature ejaculation. He needs to realize that what he's going through is --> NORMAL <-- and something the two of you can adjust to with love, patience, and understanding.

Best regards,

Bagheera