More of the same...

[Bagheera]

Good morning SH,

Like Ava, I'm a bit confused about your situation because you've continued to speak in generalities, and not give specifics about what her issues are with you. I've tried a couple of stabs in the dark, and have missed both times. You wrote:

I am trying to read and understand the "I need to" do this, do that to make my spouse happy, comforted, important, loved, etc... I feel like I AM doing those things - but getting no where. Almost every conversation turns into what is wrong - what I did wrong, why I'm at fault. EVERYTHING is my fault. Any attempt to say/do better is met with "but - this and this and you said/did this". I this and I that.

What is she complaining about? What are the issues you are both grappling with?

I think in some measure your right. I think I'm a pretty strong person and one of the things that got my marriage into the state it is, is that per her I am not supportive enough of her. I let lots of things roll off my back - she doesn't. She delves into the meaning of them and why and has repeatedly criticized me that I don't. I'm "avoiding the issue or denying it's a problem". I don't think I am - but she does and is sure of it. She seems to want me to react and feel about things like her as apposed to how I do it naturally.

In what areas does she feel like you are not supporting her?

What issues are you supposedly avoiding?

She has told me straight out she doesn't trust me in several life areas many times - including taking care of my own kids which I did before I met her and don't need her for at all so am insulted by. As things feel now, it seems she has come to the conclusion that she won't trust me in those areas again so has closed the door on giving me a chance to regain any trust.

In what areas of your life does she no longer trust you?

The only thing that you've given some detail on is a honeymoon incident where you failed to stand by your wife in the face of your mother/family (at least, as far as I understand it). This is a lesson that most people in a new marriage have to learn: you stick by your spouse and keep your parents out of the relationship. Mothers, in particular, seem to have a hard time stopping themselves from either continuing to boss their child around, or worse, attacking their "replacement" -- the new spouse. And sometimes, you have to be pretty harsh with your own parents to get the point across to them to stay out and not interfere: that your spouse comes first to you now.

Is this still an issue for you?

I'm perplexed, and think that I ought to just be quiet until you tell us more about what's actually going on.


-- B.