Keep working on your emotional connection with him. That physical connection will follow.
With regard to erection problems, take a careful read through my recent post on this topic and the replies that I received about it. Now that your husband has hit middle-age, there are some adjustments that you will BOTH have to make, in order to avoid making ED a chronic problem for him.
The most important thing to learn is that you can no longer take his arousal/erection for granted. Both men and women get used to the man being easily aroused, from the first onset of sexual interaction, almost regardless of circumstances (location, relationship state, emotional states, etc.) --> it takes a lot for it NOT to happen when you're young. But sometime in the 40's, things start to change and the "auto-erection" goes away: you have to work for it, and performance anxiety, worry about the relationship, anger or disconnect with your spouse, worry about your erection, can all kill your arousal state and ruin your erection. The best way for me to explain it is that the man's arousal/erection state becomes much more tied to his emotional/mental state; that is, his arousal/erection state begins to behave like a woman's arousal cycle, and should be treated as such, by both himself and his wife. It now takes time to build, and a proper emotional atmosphere. It often takes physical stimulation in addition to other forms of stimulation.
When this first starts so happen to a man, it can be REALLY scary, and EASILY become a viscous circle. The more you worry about having an erection, the less likely it is to occur, and the more you have to worry about, and the chances become even smaller (literally) that it will happen....and so on. IF you and your husband make his erections a major issue, it will BECOME a major issue, and he will really begin to avoid sexual interaction with you.
The two worst things you can do are:
(1) Become angry about it: "WTF! Why aren't you hard?" (2) Take it as a personal insult to YOU: "If he's not getting hard, there must be something wrong with me! He's not attracted to me any more!"
Now that I've hit middle age myself, I've encountered both of the above reactions from my wife, and I can report that they are BOTH erection killers. I don't like seeing her angry or feeling unattractive, particularly when we're supposed to be making love, and I feel awful about it and become angry with myself and my own body for not behaving in the way that I want it to (and the way that it used to). It becomes a self-fulfilling worry, and no one is happy with the result.
So relax about it -- it's NOT you -- it's a part of growing older together. Learn to romance the 'soft-on' and build his arousal in the same way that he (hopefully) builds yours. The more he can RELAX and *not* worry about it, the more likely he will be able to respond positively.
Best of luck, and thanks for bringing this sensitive issue up for discussion.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
