Wow what was with the comment about empty promises??
Take it for what it is and just enjoy it right now. If you keep looking for something negative to happen then you are going to eventually find what you are looking for. Look at all the positives and concentrate on them.
Oh on the empty promises thing it was because I said I had brought home food for him...
I know I need to quit thinking about the negative; it's so true...I guess I wish I could have one very clear indication from H that he wants to be with me. Right now it's pretty much a feeling that he has changed toward me in a good way.
So last night when H got home we watched some DVDs and had a couple of beers. We were sitting nearish on the couch to each other, but no touching or affection. There was joking around like usual, and that was good. In fact when he got home he told me a few things about his day, that he bought himself some gloves etc., then threw in "I went to therapy". He didn't say anything else about it, but I'm still glad that he told me. I'm also glad that after he went to his session he was still being nice. He doesn't seem to get quite as moody as he had been before.
We went to bed, but no ML and no talking really. Throughout the night I would periodically lay near enough to him that we'd be slightly touching, and he didn't usually pull away.
I guess for the moment I am going to need to continue with business as usual. It seems like things are improving, but it is definitely a slow process. I think I'm pretty much out of 180s by this point, so am just continuing to be as pleasant as possible, never bicker about anything, do a good deal of the housework etc. I will continue not to bring up R conversations, not to talk about the future, not to talk about how I feel etc.
So, we'll see what today brings!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
So this morning I was getting ready to leave and H asked me when the next train was. I told him and he said he was going to try to make that one too. Keep in mind that he has usually said that he wants to go alone etc. I asked if he wanted me to wait or go ahead. He said I should wait so I could see his new gloves...of course he could have just showed me them at home.
So we walked to the station together and I was feeling a bit awkward, but overall it was fine. I ended up taking a different train than him. There was no hug goodbye or anything though...
The big positive here is that he is asking me to do normal things with him again-I just have no idea how he feels about anything, whether he sees this as a trial etc...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Some of you have seen me post about my friend in MLC previously. He's had what he thinks might be an epiphany about his ex, and thought it could be of interest...an insight into the confusion...
So friend is 32, a bit young for full-blown MLC, but with all the classic symptoms. He was with his fiance for 9 years. During the last year or so he started having an A, and kept this hidden. His F found out, got understandably upset, moved out for awhile, then came back and said she wanted to work things out. He couldn't make up his mind about what he wanted, and ultimately chose the A. Then he moved to another country for work and to get away, broke off the A, and slowly started becoming friends with his ex again. They talk on IM, he sees her when he visits this country etc. For the last few months we've been talking about this, about how he thinks his ex is the strongest, most amazing woman there is. I kept urging him to just fight his doubts and insecurities and try again. I think he was getting close to doing that, when his ex told him about a guy who had written her a poem. This made him really upset, and then he saw on FB that her status had changed to "in a relationship". Now he is devastated, has blocked her from IM, and can barely get through his days at work.
I've been trying to convince him that it's still not too late to tell her how he feels and that he wants to try again, but now he is worried about causing her grief again, about changing his mind again etc. He feels guilty and like she doesn't deserve this. Personally I think she would be thrilled to know he still loves her, and that this is a great opportunity for them both.
Anyway I was just surprised at the real self-doubt and insecurity that this guy has. He wants to be with his ex, clearly loves her, but feels like he can't hurt her again. Seems like this is how many of our WAS might be feeling...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Still only positives in your situation ITH!!!! It seems to be improving day by day. Just keep positive. It is fantastic that you guys got to walk to the train station together I think that shows a real feeling of togetherness. So what if there was no hug he went with you!!! One day at a time!!
This is a very interesting insight to the mind of the WAS. Thank you so much for this as sometimes I wonder if H feels the same way. Sometimes I feel like if I say how good life is right now it will make H think that I am doing great because he is not there to mess things up. Definatly something to ponder.
The walk to the train station was a complete shocker for me. I remember the last time I'd asked if he wanted to go with me and he said that he would rather be alone and use that time to think; it was the day that I moved out and I was so devastated. From there on out he wanted to be alone with everything he did, but during the past 4 days, we've gone to the store and the train station together, and he's quit hanging out downstairs while I am upstairs. I just keep second-guessing everything...I think if these changes stick for 2 weeks or so, I will feel better. I need to feel like they are ingrained in my H, and not a fluke or a trial...I need to feel like we are in the place where if we DID have an R talk, it would be realistic and not full of spew, guilt, and resentment. I want to know that my real H is there. The H I am seeing now is the real H, only obviously very hurt. I can feel how hurt this whole thing has made him, and he's somehow become a little softer. Everything seems to make him sad. I talked about a dog that we gave away last night, and he got really sad and said not to bring it up again. Some TV shows make him sad...difference now I guess is that he is admitting these things, and not just shutting down. I hope he will remain this open with me.
I'm a little worried now as I only heard from H once today and it was to say he didn't think the heater was working and that "he'd" test it, not that we would test it... Now he's been offline for hours, and I really, really hope this is not a sign that he is freaking out again. He hasn't been joking around with me, and hasn't mentioned anything about tonight. Every other day so far he made some reference to the evening, to dinner, to errands etc. I just wish I could feel more secure. I hope I get there soon...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
You did say that he was going through depression?? So I guess everything in his eyes at this moment is sad? It is good that he is opening up about it now and not just shutting down. I believe that is a good sign of coming out of it.
Don't worry you will get there. You just have to believe it yourself. Try acting 'as-if' and see if that helps. It helps me out alot.
H being offline is just causing me to panic a bit...
It's just so abnormal. I will do my best as-if when I get home. If he is there, I think I will go jogging or something to try to soothe my nerves. I have the feeling he might have gone home early, and hopefully this is a good thing and he's just recharging...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I've been lurking and think you are doing great but I want to jump in here with a baby 2x4 if that's ok. . .
You really really really need to stop reading into EVERYTHING your h does. It is only making you crazy. I can feel the craziness through the posts. You are going to make yourself feel insecure and insane if you keep it up much longer. Even though you are back in the house again you need to still DB as far as GAL and PMA. I don't see much of either of those things from reading here. All I see is obsession with what H is doing and what H is thinking. Please stop! You have no way of knowing what he is thinking and/or feeling and all this talk is speculation.
Things are going well for you. Please try to breathe and accept that as fact and not panic and try to figure out how long it will last. Don't you see how destructive that mindset is?
Also. . .just because things are going well does not mean you should just stay there all the time. Why do you drop the idea of going to your friends house everytime things start to look up and then as soon as they fall down again you panic and run away? I thought the friends house was a refuge for you to use to GAL and heal yourself emotionally. I think you should maybe start thinking about going again to get a little space and peace of mind. If you are not around H then maybe you will stop trying to figure out what it all means. Just a day or two. And if his heart is really changing then it will give him a chance to miss you.
Just my opinion here.
You are doing well and I am very happy for you, I just don't want it to fall apart again because of expectations, speculations, or any of that other nonsense we all do from time to time.
Yes you're right of course about reading into everything that my H does...I guess it's hard when you know someone so well that you do know what makes him tick, and you come to associate certain actions with certain emotions. In any case I will do my best to assume that everything is fine, not outstanding and reconciled fine, but fine and OK until/unless I get an indication otherwise.
I am doing my best to do GAL from the house in terms of making my own plans for the weekend(s), and that is probably good for both me and him. Weekdays are harder due to the commute. You are of course right about the PMA though. I am torn on staying at the friend's house for a few reasons. One of them is that I actually want H to ask me for what he wants and know that I will listen. If he wants space, he can ask for it and I will be more than happy to oblige. At the moment I really don't want the space. I think this summer in Poland was very, very damaging for us in terms of not seeing each other. The other reason is that I have seen the situation start to improve over the past week, but it's very fragile...it seems to get better the more time we spend together though--at least at this point. However there is a really good chance that starting next week I will be spending more time at the friend's as she is leaving for 3 weeks...
Thanks for the 2x4 and checking in on me. I know you are right about me driving myself insane. I am really, truly going to work on this.
Glad you are doing so well Daisy!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
