God grant me the patience and the strength...8

[theotherhalf]

Question. I hope I can word this in the right way. I know you said it killed you not to help him when you had to work. Did it kill you because you were really worried he would be mad at you, or did you *really* want to out there helping him. Does that make sense? Are you more worried about his disappointment in you ("There goes TOH, not helping again..." sort of thinking)?

lwb, I REALLY REALLY want to help him. Like a told a friend the other day...I've wasted waaay too much time thinking "I'll help someday" and sitting by wishing I could help. There was always something in the way, exuses...the girls, school, work, bottom line is I wasted that time. Now I am taking the opportunities. Even if it's the last time. At least I can say I did it.

I WANT to help because this farm was my dream too. Why should he be working nights, out there during the day running the combine to fill the truck, off the combine and into the truck to haul a load, then back in the combine. For 6 or so hours then try to get some sleep and then to work for 8 hrs. Why should he be doing it alone. This my farm too. I should be helping. I should have been helping more a long time ago. I did help. Just maybe not enough.

And lwb, I can not lie. A small part of me does worry about his dissappointment in me. Or thinking same old TOH. But trying not to dwell on those thoughts or let them direct my actions. You know what I mean? Last night with the tractor. Not being able to get the tractor out and over to him on my own so he could keep going. That was one of those times. I was ticked at myself. But some of it was wondering if he was thinking "she's worthless". Again tried not to think to hard that way.