Very sorry to hear about your inlaws' health. That will add some understandable stress to your H.... Be as supportive as you can....last night was a good example of you being supportive.
Hi BobbiJo, I have been following your thread. I'm so sorry to hear about MIL and FIL's health. This is a very difficult period for your family. Your H will need your support now more than ever. Try to stay strong for him.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Thank you for your thoughts.Dan,the kids, and I went to dinner with MIL/FIL tonight. I was glad we could go (it was their idea) because I know they love being with their grandkids.
He is retreating big time...last night marked night #5 on the couch instead of the bed. That just irritates the crap out of me, it goes back to living in KC when he was having the "A", he would go down and sleep in the basement which drove me crazy, like he was down there talking to her on the phone all night or something....
I don't worry about him doing that now, I was out in the living room folding laundry and watching a movie until midnight and he was just sleeping away on the couch, no funny business. But I did backslide a bit...I told him his headache would be worse from sleeping on the couch instead of in bed. He replied, "I am coming to bed in a minute..." An hour later the movie was over he was still asleep on the couch, I said I was going to bed, he said he'd be in, "In a minute"...I asked if he would rather just sleep on the couch than sleep with me (dumb), he said no, he was coming...
Actually this isn't new, we both over the years have had times we fall asleep on the couch and the other person hounds us to come to bed. H used to do it to me, but once I was asleep and 'comfortable' it was hard to get up and go to bed...but I guess b/c it was the fifth night in a row, I let it get to me. He did come to bed about 1:00, then I felt dumb for pushing him so I just rolled over and pretended I was asleep...all I can do is let it go, leave it alone...if it happens again tonight I will just leave him on the couch and go to bed, I need to avoid that cheeseless tunnel. Just makes me sound irritating, I am sure. On the bright side, when H is asleep he almost never remembers conversations he has so maybe he doesn't remember my nagging...
New day, new opportunities....I imagine that if his dad gets bad news at the oncologist tomorrow, he may retreat even more. Who knows. I will just focus on today...
Hang in there-- you sound really in tune. Is he talking about his parents at all? That's a lot to deal with... I forget, is he seeing IC yet? Prayers for you and yours BobbiJo.
He is not seeing an IC and has mentioned that he just doesn't have time right now, ever since his company bought a canadian company, he has been traveling 4 days every two weeks. Add his parents' troubles into the mix, and I am sure he will be trying to support them more in the coming mix. He won't see where he has time to do it...
He hasn't mentioned his parents directly. But Monday night when he came in from work, I went to him on the stairs/entryway and put my arms around him. I just hugged him and said I was sorry it was such a crappy situation, I knew I couldn't fix it but I was sorry he had to go through it....he said thanks.
H gets really annoyed when I am a "fixer", I tend to want to help when things are wrong with/for him, and he doesn't like that. Even saying "sorry your parents are sick", to him, he is like "Why are you sorry? You didn't make them sick..."
So I choose my words carefully, I say things now like, "Well, that sucks, too bad it's happening and let me know if there is anything I can do"...
Depending on how bad the scenario actually is, things could swing either way. He could reject me/isolate himself entirely, or finally reach a point where he allows himself to lean on me. I actually let myself think "what if" this morning. What if the worst happens, he loses his parents, would his siblings make him sell off the farm? Then he would have lost everything where the farm is concerned, since his aunt/uncle already took half of it when his granparents died...
But I need to stay in the moment. Right now, both of his parents are here. Which is a good thing. And I can be as loving and supportive as I can be, without being too smothering. The rest is beyond my control...
The dedicated Dan prayers keep going up. Oh, and one other thing that struck me in the moment. I have found one item pertaining to Dan for which I can say I am very much alike.
----"Even saying "sorry your parents are sick", to him, he is like "Why are you sorry? You didn't make them sick..." " ----
I amy not always say it but I always am thinking it whenever someone tries to "fill a void" with the "S" bomb. It kind of drives me nuts. Very much a pet-peeve.
Doing a little catch up with you right now. Try and be the rock that I know you can be for him. He needs the support of his wife and in most cases if he appears not to be receptive to your encouragement and assistance it is a "smoke-screen". It is your chance to continue to shine. Be there for him, it is important to him beyond measure. I doubt you would do it any different but I am just saying and placing emphasis on it. Peace to all of you my dear.
On the bright side, when H is asleep he almost never remembers conversations he has so maybe he doesn't remember my nagging...
You made me laugh, and that is an accomplishment probably. Now if I could return the favor your way. Sure sounds like you need some humor to break the tension.
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
New day, new opportunities....I imagine that if his dad gets bad news at the oncologist tomorrow, he may retreat even more. Who knows. I will just focus on today...
Whatever you do, don't try to fix nothing. Supportiveness of the hug vartiety with few words or none (which we know you are capable of)is what is called for. No heroics on your part just warmth, tenderness & gentleness. It will be memorable for him. And it is the soothing that he needs. Be fully tuned in to him. (even though his head has has been and will be increasing its spin). Be the rock.
Thank you so much, tomato. I have written to H in our dialogue sessions in the past that one strength I have is the willingness to load up my family on my back, so to speak, and carry them through any troubles.
I just got a new Devotional book today, going to try it out tonight before bed. Thought I should focus myself a little more...
Thanks for the prayers, my sister has me up on the prayer wall at her church. I could use all the help I can get! Again, thanks for the support, T.
