Nice of you both to say. Thank you. I am glad other people can be uplifted. But I confess I am doing this for completely selfish reasons! I am writing these graces here as a way to commit to myself that I will be thankful and accentuate the positives.
I found that if I did not make a special effort, then I was too prone to sink into negativity. I had good intentions to pray thanks every day, but when I would pray, I would often fall into praying for help, bemoaning my circumstances. So making the public statement - sort of public - you know it's just an internet forum.... anyway making the public statement is a way to hold myself to the commitment.
Setting people's expectations that I will do this - now you all are expecting me to be thankful. And I feel that and it carries me through.
See, I still have my moments. I had a moment just a few minutes ago - 10 minutes ago - when I walked into my office, and it was just about time to go home. This is the time I used to think "oh, now I get to go home to my family." But I don't have anyone at home for me today, no one would care if I showed up now, or at midnight, or not at all. No one is waiting up for me. And with that realization I felt a deep despair, a really intense, dark feeling. Just utter loneliness. But I have decided that dwelling in that place does not help me. And so I recognize that I am lonely for my partner, for adult companionshi, for a guaranteed dinner partner. I recognize that I miss sex, gosh how I miss it. But I don't dwell on the loss. I consciously dwell on the positive. And those negative moments are getting rarer. The self-ambush phenomenon - where my own negative thoughts ambush me - that is dissipating.
Is it just self-deception? My decision to not focus on the loss, and instead focus on what I do have - am I just fooling myself? No, I don't think so. But then, I would think that, wouldn't I? heh heh. Seriously, the way I look at it, it is glass-half-full or glass-half-empoty choice. I am trying to develop a habit to see everything as half-full. From the loss, I became habitually disposed to see things half-empty, and I don't want that.
It's like my relationship with junk food. A loooong time ago, I looked at junk food and decided that yes, junk food can be tasty and comforting but it is just not good for me. Since then, when I see a Wendy's or a McDonald's, I don't think "ooooh, I could go for a McRib sandwich." (or whatever) I think to myself - "that stuff isn't good for me, and I don't want it." Same thing with despair. It can feel comforting to dwell in the loss and wallow in self-pity, those feelings became my most intimate friends. But it just is not good for me. I am choosing a different path.
And you guys are helping me!
--- You are going to like this: Today's listening choice: Los Lonely Boys "How Far Is Heaven"
Save me from this prison Lord, help me get away. 'Cause only You can save me now from this misery.
I've been lost in my own place. And I'm gettin' weary. (How far is Heaven?)
I know that I need to change my ways of living. (How far is Heaven?)
Lord can you tell me...
I've been locked up way too long in this crazy world. (How far is Heaven?) I just keep on prayin' Lord, just keep on livin'. (How far is Heaven?) Yeah, Lord can you tell me? (How far is Heaven?) I just gotta know how far, yeah. (How far is Heaven?) Yeah, Lord can you tell me?
(a bunch of spanish I don't understand)
'Cause I know there's a better place than this place I'm livin'. (How far is Heaven?) So I just got to show some faith and just keep on givin'. (How far is Heaven?) Yeah, Lord can you tell me? (How far is Heaven?) I just gotta know how far, yeah. (How far is Heaven?) Yeah, Lord can you tell me? (How far is Heaven?) I just gotta know how far. I just wanna know how far.
