After me spending way too much time (6 months or more) trying to find a good counselor in my area...I finally found one. Mr. DQ and I have gone to her twice now.
Thankfully - - she is great! So far, so good.
The biggest key is for him to feel comfortable...I am easier with this sort of thing than he is. He has to feel a special connection with the counselor or he wont be comfortable. Lucky for me, he feels that connection with her, so yay!
Her philosophy (for us) is that we are working on the RELATIONSHIP, not on us as individuals. She will counsel us individually if we want, but she feels it is best not to do any type of IC for either of us that doesn't relate to the relationship. Because individual therapy is so much different than couples therapy, she wants to keep them separate.
Our main problem is arguments. We both contribute to the problem we have of escalating arguments...neither of us can seem to temper ourselves after we get to a certain point. And...well, I am a firecracker and he is an alpha male....um...this combination is great in the bedroom, but in conflict, it can be dangerous.
(to him)
hee hee
However...the arguing is only one side of our R...we are so in love, and we literally LOVE going to counseling so we can talk about how in love we are! Its kinda sick, actually. I mean, our friends certainly don't want to hear it anymore. LOL! The counselor has told us we are basically dream clients, because we both have the same goal, we are madly in love, we are both willing to do anything to get past the fighting, and we are not hiding repressed feelings from each other.
On the other side of things....sigh... I still don't get as much sex as I would like, but I am slowly accepting that this is just how things are in our R. I am having to accept that it may be an average of 1 x per week.
:0(
Actually...he tried to tell me this several times and in several ways in the beginning...when we were having sex like 3 - 5 x per week, every week, for months in a row, he would try to tell me gently "you know, I won't be able to keep up this pace forever"....I thought he meant that we would go down to 2 - 3 x per week....but he actually meant he is fine with 1 x per week.
Sooooo....although I don't like it....I am accepting it. And I am adjusting my own needs accordingly.
It has been such an interesting ride for me. Going from a situational LD position in my marriage...to a fun free-for-all while I was single for a short time (not actually a lot of sex happened, but a whole lotta making out with different dates happened), to a new serious monogamaous relationship with sex out of this world in both quality and frequency....to now a more settled but still out of this world in quality 1 x per week sex life, which includes ME feeling I am not getting as much as I would like. As was the reason that my last thread was titled "How the tables have turned on me".
I have had to feel the effects of being all horny and turned on, only to know for sure you can't ask your partner for sex because you already know the answer is "no"...how this can grate on your nerves, make you edgy and uncomfortable...how it can make you feel rejected, even if you weren't actually rejected....how it makes you wonder "but honey, we haven't had sex in over a week, how come you are not sexually pent up and frustrated if I am?"
In the end, I have had to be so much more mature about everything in general. I thank god everyday for this chance to grow. And actually.... I am beginning to "wake up" into a new self....one who finally got all the sex she wanted and needed and took things to a whole new level in the love department...only to realize that I STILL must find my happiness from within, like everyone else.
I can't depend upon the great sex to make me happy. It may or may not be there, and I have to be ok with that. I can't depend on HIM to make me happy either...although he certainly does make me happy, I have to be a happy person inside...or I will never be a happy person in this relationship.
I was such an immature fool when I was married before...
Hopefully this time...(new marriage)...I will be a mature, wise, beautiful and HAPPY person....not just wife, but person.
Although I don't have words of wisdom, I did want to chime in here and say that I think you are an inspiration to everyone here. You and a few others. ( You know you who are ) I think it's GREAT you've found someone who is on the same page as you in the ways that count. Although sex may not be as frequent as you like, I would hazard a guess that you will both find that " happy medium " and both be content because your with each other! That's most of the battle right there. At least this time you know what you want, and how to get it, and your satisfied with the outcome. I think that's fantastic and shows what a true person you both are, and the level of commitment you both have for one another.
Diane, wanted to reply on my or your thread, but lower R. corner, it just shows "notify" Not sure what that means. I'll try again tom'w. P.S. 60 deg. here is a bit high...joke is if you don't like the weather, wait 15 min. & it'll change. We've had frost already & temps in 30's. H usually visits his bro in Arizona in Nov. It'd be like our summer about now. Do NOT want to be there in Aug. LOL We have our snow brushes in the cars, the snow blower lubed & ready to go. Lawn mower still out, tho. Warmer days, the grass still grows. Schizophrenic weather. L8R
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
The guys around here need you! They need to hear more than my goofy male voice, and whenever one of them turns into a success story or at least starts making good progress, they always give YOU and the other ladies here the credit for it. We need your very female perspective.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
My relationship took a strange, but necessary turn. We've realized we have to make a change in our living situation right away, in the form of, we have to sell my house and either he will buy a house or we'll buy a house together.
We currently live in my house, which I've owned for 15 years (and which I lived with my ex-h and family in). I love my house beyond all necessary levels of love you should have for your house...I have an attachment to it, a deep one. But I'm ready to move on. I need to and I have to, I need to break away from all the associations with my old life I have in this house. Breaking away from this house will mean I can finally move on in emotional and financial ways.
For him, it will mean he will be free of the constant remodeling and improvements this house needs. It is too overwhelming to us both, and we've already been living in it and remodeling it for two years. Its time to move on.
This all came out as a result of our counseling, and then several direct discussions about the things that cause our fighting.
Right at this moment, I am in a good place with the decision, and luckily in my area and in my neighborhood, housing markets haven't done too bad. So it will probably not cause us a loss due to market value to try to sell right now.
We have a back up plan in case it doesn't sell right away.
So...a new and different living situation for me is on the horizon. Luckily, we think it will still be in the same format - engaged and anticipating a wedding. But we do still have some things to work out in counseling before we set another wedding date. (We've already set two now, missed one, the other was supposed to be February 2009 but that is unlikely to happen now...although not 100% out of the question...just too many other things have to happen first).
He is a different man just by talking about making this change, and the difference in him is helping me a LOT because I can see light at the end of a tunnel that I couldn't see before.
As for our sex life...
It has taken a back seat to all of our other issues, and I'm actually ok for once. This is tremendous maturity for me, as I am somewhat of a sex addict (he is my drug, sex with him and his body and our chemistry are my drug)...but I'm really ok and just calm. Knowing our fighting may stop is giving me extra strength. I don't feel sexually abandoned like I may have felt a few months ago if our sex life fell off the map. I just feel like this is normal given these stressful circumstances, and I am patient, knowing he is capable of true intimacy and passion with me - - once we get moving on some of these plans (and continue to address our issues in counseling), I am confident the sex will return better than before.
I may still not have time to respond to other's threads for a bit...but hopefully I can get back in touch with everyone on their threads again soon.
Hang in there, everyone...I am always still reading your updates even if I don't respond.
So good to hear from you~ I am so happy for you and that you are " moving on ". In more ways than one. I do believe that it will be good for you, and I agree passion and intimacy make it ok not to be physical all the time. Love you and all my best to you.... Keep growing .... Ava
((( DQ ))) - One of the big things my W and I did when we reconciled was to move to a different house. The change of venue was needed and really improved our attitudes towards one another. Many of our disagreements were over the old house: its location, the schools, the constant remodeling and fixing (as soon as one thing was fixed 3 other things would break. )
It seems like it wouldn't make such a big difference to move on, but it does. My wife, like you, had a sentimental attachment to that old house. It was our first house, all of our memories of our daughter as a baby were there. Holidays with family members now gone were there. So many memories, they will still be our memories, the house though was too small, too much work and too stressful.... It was time to leave it physically behind us.
This is a great decision you and he have made. You are about to build your new lives together. Once you have that new place, you will be building your new memories of each other together there. I'm so happy for you. I knew you could find the answers.
I think it's GREAT you've found someone who is on the same page as you in the ways that count. Although sex may not be as frequent as you like, I would hazard a guess that you will both find that " happy medium " and both be content because your with each other! That's most of the battle right there. At least this time you know what you want, and how to get it, and your satisfied with the outcome. I think that's fantastic and shows what a true person you both are, and the level of commitment you both have for one another. 
)