Best friends?

[AliSuddenly]

Hey GFI,

Wow.. so much has gone on in your R (as for all of us)... you having to deal with the pregnancy/health issues with your W and then H coming along and also your Mum passing away and you having depression... I cant help thinking that alot of these damaged R's on this site could have been saved with better COMMUNICATION!!

I see that you have been doing alot of thinking and work on yourslef.. are you going to a C? I hope so and if not, you SHOULD! And it would be good to tell your W you are, but perhaps you are anyway.

Something junmped out at me before your recent post above, but you have now explained it so eloquently and you realise you are this way and perhaps what the roots of it are. You said that your W said on the weekend...

"Just that I seemed like a closed book and that's why she had difficulty trusting me."

SO.. this is a huge issue! She sees you as a closed book and it soudns like she has 'given up' trying to break into whats inside. So, eventhugh you are cognisant of this, you said above..

"The upshot though - was to make me a "quiet" person - with lots of stuff in my head - with the tendency not to share those thoughts or feelings."

So.. you are lucky. Your W has pinpointed soemthning in the R that she has an issue with (my ex never did that, evern once, I had to work out my 180s for myself). And even though she has left you, this is still an issue for her and she still sees you as that way.. so she doesnt think, or believe you have changed??

I think its huge that she pointed this out, but in your post you sort of brushed past it and referred it to house stuff, but maybe you are fully aware of its significance, hence your post above. So are you tackling this in C?

Can you change? Have you changed? How can you be more expressively open wuth your W to show her you have changed (dont tell her, show her, the DB book says). What 180s can you do to make her wonder about these changes in you and feel more confident about getting back into an R with you?

Maybe the attraction to the OM isnt that he is sporty (like you) maybe its that he is open and expressive and an OPEN BOOK. Even if he is (likely) a bit of a t*sser. She has run away for a reason though right, either she is in MLC, depressed, or its partly to do with losing confidence in the R with you.

I hope my rambling post helps somewhat!

Al