Ok so h ended up giving me half of what he promised. Better than none. I am disappointed on how I handled this. I am sure that I am still acting like I have from the past, but it the money thing really bothers me. My outside perspective on the situation: Yes, you have a right to be unhappy about this. Yes it is understandable that you would feel stressed about money. That does not give you the right to be sarcastic or hurtful in discussing the conflict. Conflict is not bad. But not being fair or understanding when resolving it, is bad.
In some situations there is no communication whatsoever. In others, there is communication, but communication about difficult topics (like money) is too dangerous. Yours is better than either of these cases. Not only is there communication, but there is even communication about difficult things.
You need to resolve for yourself, to be glad that you have communication and that you are happy to be working out these problems. Because there will always be problems, there will always be differences of opinions, misunderstandings, slights and hurt feelings. Yes we want to minimize such things, but there will always be some amount of that. How you deal with them is what makes the difference.
We all need to express ourselves compassionately.
Since h is choosing to live elsewhere then he should at least put his family first and make that a priority when he gets paid, not like we are the last one that gets paid and only on what he has left over. To me that is NOT right. That is a very valid opinion, and I can see why you think this way. On the other hand your husband believes he also has a valid opinion, and while I do not understand his opinion at the moment, and it doesn't make as much sense to me, nonetheless it is his opinion and I have no right to disqualify it because it disagrees with mine.
This is an opportunity. You don't want to have a conflict over money. You would like your husband and you to see eye-to-eye on the money thing. But you don't right now. Ok. So be thankful for this conflict, this difference. This is a gift to you, to allow you to exercise your own self-control, to practice what you believe, which is: you love your husband, you understand the long term view, you know you will have differences, and you are always always always willing to work things out with him.
Now how would you act if that is truly what is in your heart? How would you act if that was the message you wanted to give to him? Would you raise your voice and come down his throat? Would you break out the sarcasm? Of course not. Those things do not encourage open honest discussion.
Keep your focus on the goal. Money is important. But there is something greater here.
I just feel money wise I am not a priority to my h. It's like I come last. Does that make sense. Yes it makes sense. Did you say this to him? This seems like a very safe thing to say. You know in your heart it is not true - that you come last. You also know, truly, that today you are not as high on his list of priorities as you would like to be. I see that and yes, it stinks to be treated this way by your spouse. The money issue is just a trigger for you - like a clear illustration of his priorities. You get the feeling that you are not important to him. Share this. This is good to share. Not attacking. Not blaming. Focus on sharing your feelings. (of course make sure it is at the right time) .
Also the rent comment really got to me. Like his rent is more important than paying our mortgage. That is how I felt. I just don't think he gets the financial picture.
You are absolutely right. He doesn't get the picture. He doesn't get your picture. There is a big-screen TV in your head, and it is tuned to the GG channel, and guess what? he has a big-screen TV in his head and it is tuned to the GG's H channel. He has a different perspective.
Try something for me: Put the words you wrote in his mouth. Does it make sense for him to say "Her take on the mortgage really got to me. Like her view is more important than mine. That is how I felt. I just don't think she gets the financial picture for me."
Deep in his heart he obviously is holding very strongly onto an independent residence. It is important to him. I don't know why, but from reading your posts GG, he seems to be afraid to recommit. He wants to keep one foot out the door. This is obviously not the greatest situation. IDeally he would have both feet "in the door". But one foot out is better than both feet out.
For now this is an ongoing difficult situation.
If you keep your head and think long term I am confident that you will be able to discuss these issues with him calmly, in such a way that allows both of you to be heard, that allows both of you to feel validated.
