More of the same...

[Bagheera]

What I need to somehow do is regain her trust. She has told me straight out she doesn't trust me in several life areas many times.....As things feel now, it seems she has come to the conclusion that she won't trust me in those areas again so has closed the door on giving me a chance to regain any trust.

She sounds like she's feeling overworked, overwhelmed, and unsupported, and has reacted in somewhat typical female fashion: first, you get criticized for not providing her with enough support and help, and then when you do, that support and help isn't good enough -- isn't up to 'her' standards. She doesn't "trust" you with it....

So JUST DO IT, ANYWAY.

Pick some areas that she says you ignore or don't support her on, and start taking care of them. And when she comes around to look over you shoulder and tell you how you're doing it wrong, politely thank her for her input, take it into consideration, but do the job in your own fashion -- what suits you that she can learn to live with. You'll have to be very STUBBORN about this: if she wants your help and support, she's going to have to learn how to accept it in the manner in which you can give it. TELL HER THIS.

This is a common cycle. The woman complains that her man isn't helping her with ________ (say, doing the laundry). When he does try to help, she stands around over his shoulder, telling him how to do it or what he's doing wrong. After a few times, he gets tired of her constantly playing quality control inspector and gives it up....after which she's back to complaining about having no support with ________. They both lose.

I personally don't do the laundry, clean the kitchen, mop the floors, or get the kids ready for bed in exactly the same way that my wife does; in fact, I rarely meet or exceed her very particular and exacting standards about such things. HOWEVER, because she wants my support and help in these areas (and many others), she's learned how to accept my help in the way that I can give it and bite her tongue with regard to quality control. We both win here, and compromise.

Two books I'll recommend to you, SH: John Gray's classic Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and the newer When Mars and Venus Collide. Have your wife read them too, since it sounds like she's very stuck in her own POV, and expects you to be like her rather than the man that you actually are. Recognizing and working within the often profound differences between the sexes -- physical, mental (how we think and process), and emotional (how we react and respond) -- is a HUGE part of making a marriage work successfully, and these books were absolute eye-openers for my wife and myself.

Good luck,

-- B.