I was advised by our MC to NOT expose affair to my kids when we met in private. Even if LIS (and myself) do end up D....is it our jobs to paint the kids moms as "bad"? That would crush them!? Thoughts?
H 34 W 31 M 11yrs D 11 D 9
6-1-08 I wanted to fix marriage 6-11-08 I found out about OM
Many kids report later, as grown-ups, deep resentments over not being told the truth. It's a very difficult, personal decision. I decided that IF I was going to err, I was going to err on the side of the truth, and let them know that I would ALWAYS tell them the truth.
You're not painting their mother as "bad." You're letting them know that she's flawed, just as we are, and that we still love her, very much, but that we cannot remain married to her as long as she refuses to stop having a boyfriend.
I was advised by our MC to NOT expose affair to my kids when we met in private. Even if LIS (and myself) do end up D....is it our jobs to paint the kids moms as "bad"? That would crush them!? Thoughts?
I struggled with this. And there are conflicting opinions by many "experts".
But here's what my thinking was. My W wanted to tell the kids that we were "just not getting along and it's best for everyone if we D". Uh...NO. It's best for only one person, her. Everyone agrees that Divorce is harmful to kids. Now if I was abusive or an alcoholic, then ok, but even my W admitted to me in the middle of her affair that I was a good dad and a good husband, but she "just doesn't have those feelings for me".
There was no way I was going to allow my kids to think that I thought so little of their lives that I was willing to divorce 'because it's best for everyone'. Second, both my boys (and they're adults, well S16 isn't quite, but he's very mature) KNEW something was going on. They LIVED how happy we were before we moved and W got involved with OM. S16 KNEW his mom had a boyfriend but he couldn't say anything to me because what if he was wrong. Both my boys THANKED me for telling them the truth. I was very clear with them that just because their mom was having an A doesn't mean she doesn't love them and it doesn't make her a bad person, but that she just got caught up in something that wasn't right.
The final reason I told them is, OM in my W's case is a serial cheatin, alcoholic, abuser (yes, abused his kids both verbally and physically, verbally abused his W and punched a wall right next to his W's head) and there was NO WAY I was going to let that POS be involved in my kids lives without them knowing the truth.
If it helped wake her up and helped save our marriage, great, but if not, at least my boys would have one parent they WOULD KNOW would never desert them.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I for one am not going to tell the kids any part of the truth except to say that Mommy is making her own choices; we may not like them but she's a grown woman. I will also let them know that this is NOT what I wanted because I believe that M is forever no matter how hard it may get. I made a vow before God and I intend to keep it. If she doesn't, then that's her prerogative.
Later in life after they've grown; if they have questions, I'll confirm or deny as necessary. I really don't think that they need to know all the details.
I could change my mind later; but right now that's how I'm going to roll.
I have been very close to telling them.....but the way my wife acts.....who knows what she would do. I have "manned up" for all my errors....personally I won't take any blame for the course things are going rite now. Make any sense?
H 34 W 31 M 11yrs D 11 D 9
6-1-08 I wanted to fix marriage 6-11-08 I found out about OM
W thinks she calls the shots - I just laugh. Oh well. 
(pulls up a lawn chair, and munches popcorn ...)