For Pete's sake...we aren't all driving across country wearing diapers. That is an EXTREME example. There is a continuum here, okay? My point is...you can't MAKE her do anything, and she MIGHT slip and talk to him...and I'm telling you..the drug ain't gonna work like it did before. It is not as if she is a damn rat in a cage, Pup. You seem to want to reduce everything down to that level, period. That she can't evaluate any of these things for herself. Sometimes people fall a couple times...and look at what they did and say, okay that was a mistake.
MC, I think my W thinks the same way. If I ask where she is going or where she was she feels like I'm controlling what she's doing. Perfect example. One time in the middle of her affair (before I knew for sure it was going on) I told her it would make me uncomfortable if she went out after work with OM only. I didn't have a problem if it was a group thing, but if everyone left except OM I would expect her to leave also because I think it's inappropriate for married men and women to have drinks like that alone. She said she hated how controlling I was because there was noting going on and she could be friends with a man if she wanted to. Now I know that was probably just the affair talking, but it's one of her gaslighting tactics to get me to back off.
That's the exact script my W has spout out before.
I'm with ya Pup. I completely understand that any contact is bad. But I guess where I'm going for now is that until she's ready to commit to the marriage, me pressuring her for NC (which she may in fact be NC) would be counter productive.
I've made it very clear to her that if I discover contact and she's lying to me about it, I'm done. Both my boys have also told her that if she ends up with the a-hole, that they will never spend time with her IF he's around and spending time with her when he's not around will be few and far between.
I think we may be arguing over nothing here (not that this is nothing). I think everyone recognizes that NC HAS to take place before real healing can begin. Heck, even on that women's cheaters website there is a whole section for women wanting to end it with their married men and they all say NO CONTACT is the only way to get over him. Heck Pup, you said in your sitch that your W made contact with OM for a week I think after she told you she'd go NC and then she stopped and they haven't talked since. In many ways I feel like for the last couple months she was probably NC and then the way we were on vacation scared her and she contacted him and it threw her off for a week. But since then we've just been getting better and better.
Like I said before, I HAVE to act 'as if' she's NC. It's the only way I can have the PMA and be the kind of H she wants to be with. If there is some contact now, I'm positive she knows it's harmful. And I think she's trying. I really do. And I think it's only a matter of time before she's ready to open up to me. If and when that happens, we'll talk about boundaries. If it doesn't happen, I already know that when the move comes up in the spring/summer, if she hasn't/won't make a commitment to the marriage, then S16 and I are moving without her as two years of lies/deceit are enough.
But lets not talk that way. The next month and a half should be very telling with where we're headed. I'm just going to act like there's no contact and be the best H I can be and we'll cross the next bridge when we get there.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
My main point (that you continually seem to attack) is that affairs are HIGHLY addictive, it's a physiological fact, and they should be dealt with accordingly. Continued contact with the affair partner greatly reduces the opportunity for successful reconciliation, and in fact sets the withdrawal "clock" back to 0:00:00 every time you have contact.
No, not all wayward spouses drive across country wearing diapers. Some just suddenly lose all interest in all of their children's activities. Others engage in risky, unprotected sexual activity, and then knowingly expose their spouses to disease. Some suddenly lose all interest in their faith. Some lie to their own children, and to their own parents. Others put their entire careers at risk, just to maintain the affair. Some empty their family's bank accounts and run up the family credit cards, to facilitate the affair.
And those are just a few examples off the top of my head, just from recent threads on these boards. I could give others.
You seem to be oversensitive to any characterization I give about wayward spouses, even when I'm purposely NOT directing any of it at you personally. As I've said before, this is your issue, not mine, but I would appreciate it if you stop attacking me for presenting my opinions.
I apologize. I don't want to attack YOU. It sounds like what H4U is saying is that his wife is getting this on her own...and he knows she's trying.
I know it's addictive, brother, got the tracks to prove it. I agree that contact is bad, but to look at in the best way, that if it happened it ultimately will still work out. She can beat it.
As I said, I think H4U has a good and realistic attitude about the whole thing.
This is my thread so here goes. I WANT EVERYONE'S OPINIONS. I SEE VALUE IN ALL OF THEM. IT'S MY CHOICE TO DECIDE WHAT TO ACCEPT AND WHAT NOT TO ACCEPT. I HAVE HAD SO MANY PEOPLE HELP ME THROUGH THE TOUGHEST TIME IN MY LIFE AND I'M ETERNALLY GRATEFUL.
I don't want people arguing here because someone will take offense and leave and THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT WHAT I WANT. I WANT ALL OPINIONS AND I VALUE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU AND THE ADVISE YOU GIVE.
Let's play nice children.......
Last edited by Hope4us; 11/11/0808:30 PM.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I apologize. I don't want to attack YOU. It sounds like what H4U is saying is that his wife is getting this on her own...and he knows she's trying.
I know it's addictive, brother, got the tracks to prove it. I agree that contact is bad, but to look at in the best way, that if it happened it ultimately will still work out. She can beat it.
As I said, I think H4U has a good and realistic attitude about the whole thing.
