Peace is so important. Once you reach that point, if ever things get upsetting or feel out of control you know you can get back to that peaceful place. Like home base.
I don't know if you're a visual person, but I read on someone's thread that they visualize their W as a confused neighbor whenever they spend time together as a family. It keeps you from taking their actions or behavior personally.
I'm not sure if my H's EA is still going on or not. So, I have a constant battle of looking around for evidence or not. For the past three weeks I have successfully avoided snooping and it helps me stay peaceful. I think that I would have serious reservations if H wanted to reconcile (again, in my case), and I know that I'll have to wait for that very day to know how I'll feel about it. Until then, I think it's smart to know what your limits would be, and what your deal-breakers are.
Have a good night!
Me:33, H:34 T10, M8 S4,S3,S9m ILYBINILWY 11/07 Separation 1 2/08-8/08 Back Home 8/08-10/08 Separation 2 10/08- Too many bombs to count:(
Peace is so important. Once you reach that point, if ever things get upsetting or feel out of control you know you can get back to that peaceful place. Like home base.
I couldn't agree more. I am glad I found it, or I should say it found me, at least that's what it feels like.
Mondays are always hard for me, I don't know why but it seems like after 48 hours of NC it bugs me more. I know I need patience, it's the hardest thing in the world for me. I also can't help but wonder if NC is really the best idea, but I'm trying my darnedest to stick to it. I suppose I'll really know if there's even a small chance after a few more weeks of this. I may not like the outcome but it's just something I'll have to face. Life goes on, with or without her.
Originally Posted By: faithrunner
I don't know if you're a visual person, but I read on someone's thread that they visualize their W as a confused neighbor whenever they spend time together as a family. It keeps you from taking their actions or behavior personally.
It's really difficult to not take their actions and words personally though, especially since these are the people we are supposed to be closest to in the world.
The first night we split up she kept telling me that I did matter. It was really late and I was thinking of driving back that night, she told me she was worried I would get hurt so I ended up staying the night there, sleeping on the floor. The week after that I told her I was thinking of moving back home, she said she didn't like that idea, when I asked her why she said it was the thought of losing me forever. Go figure.
Another funny thing that I've thought of recently; When I found out about them on that Friday I told her to pack her bags so I could take her "home" over the weekend. She procrastinated about packing, she had three days and didn't really pack. Yet she didn't have enough respect for me not to contact him while still living in my house after I had asked her not to and she agreed.
The final straw for me was when I came home on Monday and found her chatting with him and saw all the "baby" and "lol" cr4p they were throwing around. I told her then, get dressed, you're gone now. I took the rest of the day off and drove her to her parents' then.
I didn't even give her time to shower. In fact I was quite mean about it when she asked if I minded if she showered first. My reply was something to the affect that she was such a dirty wh*re that there was a stench and a stain on her that no soap could wash off.
First and only time I ever cussed at her during our entire marriage no matter what she would say to me, even if I was angry enough to yell, I never called her names. I still feel bad about that.
I admit, it's easier to look at her now and see someone that I don't know instead of looking for the person I was so in love with at the time. I've come to the realization that my W no longer exists. The hard part now is in wondering if she ever really did.
Originally Posted By: faithrunner
I'm not sure if my H's EA is still going on or not. So, I have a constant battle of looking around for evidence or not. For the past three weeks I have successfully avoided snooping and it helps me stay peaceful. I think that I would have serious reservations if H wanted to reconcile (again, in my case), and I know that I'll have to wait for that very day to know how I'll feel about it. Until then, I think it's smart to know what your limits would be, and what your deal-breakers are.
Have a good night!
I think I know what my deal breakers are, but I'm not sure. At this point I know if they meet, I couldn't go back after that. The thought of them being together physically still makes me sick to my stomach. An EA is bad enough, if it turned physical I don't think I could even stand to look at her and a big part of me is thinking they're planning to meet.
Thing is, I could find out if I really wanted to, but I've seen too much and know the hurt that brings, so I don't want to really see it with my own eyes.
I hope I'm wrong about them meeting. There are still times when I feel like I can feel her thinking about me and missing me, but I mostly write that off to wishful thinking.
I really hope things work out for you and your H if that's what you want. It's a shame our WASs can't see how much they're really giving up and how hard we fight for them.
Me 43: Her 34 M 08/22/2005 Son born 12/31/2006 Suspicion of EA 10/10/2008 EA confirmed 10/11/2008 WAW 10/13/2008
W sends me a TM this morning asking me to get her some contact lenses, says she has torn one of hers and I have her prescription. Which I do, but getting it to her isn't exactly feasible at the moment. Neither is driving 3.5 hours to take her a pair of lenses. So I'm not sure what to make of it.
What do I do? Let her stand on her own, or do I try to get the lenses for her?
I'm not sure how to play this one.
HELP!!!!
Me 43: Her 34 M 08/22/2005 Son born 12/31/2006 Suspicion of EA 10/10/2008 EA confirmed 10/11/2008 WAW 10/13/2008
Maybe you could contact the DR's office and see if they have an office that is affliated where she is. Chances are she can't drive without them. I would maybe call her with the rx number, other than that, she is on her own!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I had sort of the same thought Puppy, only in my mind I wasn't nice enough to call him Euro-trash boy.
My first inclination was to send her this: "What part of this has anything to do with our son? You're trying to cross a bridge you've already burned. Next time maybe you'll think before playing with fire."
I actually typed that all out on my phone but didn't hit send.
I think I'm in a raw mood today.
Me 43: Her 34 M 08/22/2005 Son born 12/31/2006 Suspicion of EA 10/10/2008 EA confirmed 10/11/2008 WAW 10/13/2008
Inmy humble opinion If there isn't a affiliate office that can fill the prescription for her maybe she can go to Costco or something like that. I would probably cheerfully say, I wish i could help but I have already made plans and I am unable to help, could you possibly try Costco or another office to get them.
I personally wouldn't go the route you had planned as it removes from Love Bank (SAA book) and If your still wanting the marriage at this point further damage would need to be controlled. I am in no means saying you should be a door mat at her beckon call either. I am a firm believer there is always a way to answer even if the answer needs to be firm. Were you able to get SAA yet? It explains so much!
Anyways that 's just my 2cents may not be worth much.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
I personally wouldn't go the route you had planned as it removes from Love Bank (SAA book) and If your still wanting the marriage at this point further damage would need to be controlled. I am in no means saying you should be a door mat at her beckon call either. I am a firm believer there is always a way to answer even if the answer needs to be firm. Were you able to get SAA yet? It explains so much!
Anyways that 's just my 2cents may not be worth much.
Thanks T2L,
I didn't actually send the message. In fact, I haven't responded at all. I tend to want to be a hard*ss though, just because she's still taken no responsibility for any of our situation and she used to complain about my kids (from my previous marriage) contacting me "only when they wanted something".
I hate to ignore her altogether, but at the same time I can't be her doormat and jump when she says jump.
I keep thinking she's the one that did this, not me. Yes I have my share, but I have been working on that and I have accepted it. There needs to be a line in the sand someplace that says "I won't go past here."
If I don't do it, she'll be po'ed. I can understand that. If I do it, then I'm showing her she can always count on me when she has a need. She made the decision for both of us that I'm no longer that person.
It's a quandary to say the least. My guess is she's broke and doesn't have the money to pay for new lenses even though I gave her money on Saturday.
But should I really be the one to come to her rescue? As I said, it was her decision to remove herself from our marriage, not mine. Why should I be the "go to guy" when she needs something?
After all, according to her this split isn't about the OM, she hasn't even really acknowledged that he exists, according to her it's about her independence. So maybe the best thing to do is act like I didn't get the TM and let her see how independent she can be.
Me 43: Her 34 M 08/22/2005 Son born 12/31/2006 Suspicion of EA 10/10/2008 EA confirmed 10/11/2008 WAW 10/13/2008
Inmy humble opinion If there isn't a affiliate office that can fill the prescription for her maybe she can go to Costco or something like that. I would probably cheerfully say, I wish i could help but I have already made plans and I am unable to help, could you possibly try Costco or another office to get them.
I personally wouldn't go the route you had planned as it removes from Love Bank (SAA book) and If your still wanting the marriage at this point further damage would need to be controlled. I am in no means saying you should be a door mat at her beckon call either. I am a firm believer there is always a way to answer even if the answer needs to be firm. Were you able to get SAA yet? It explains so much!
Anyways that 's just my 2cents may not be worth much.
I think you should wait 3-4 hours (so not "at her beckon call"), and then text back a modified version of T2L's suggestion: "Sorry, I just got this. Did you get this taken care of? I wish i could help but I have already made plans and I am unable to help. You might want to try Costco or another office to get them."
