Lost, I think the Hawaii trip may just be the thing that is your opportunity to tell the kids EXACTLY what is going on. They deserve to know the TRUTH. And not some spin that your W will try to give them.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Lost, I think the Hawaii trip may just be the thing that is your opportunity to tell the kids EXACTLY what is going on. They deserve to know the TRUTH. And not some spin that your W will try to give them.
I agree with this, Lost. "Your mother has a boyfriend, and it's not right for married people to have boyfriends or girlfriends while they are still married. I don't agree with it, and I've asked her to stop, and she refuses, so that's why I'm angry, and that's why you've had to hear some of the disagreements you've heard. I'm sorry -- this is NOT your fault. I still love your mother, very much, but this is a choice she is making, and I obviously don't agree with it. And I can't just pretend it's okay and go on vacation with her while she has a boyfriend -- it's not right. I'm sorry, but this is her decision to do this, not mine."
Ok, but give her a chance to make the right choice before exposing to the kids......Ask her for no contact and set requirements to work on the marriage first. Give her a chance first.
Ok, but give her a chance to make the right choice before exposing to the kids......Ask her for no contact and set requirements to work on the marriage first. Give her a chance first.
WDID, that sounds good, in theory, but here's the problem that I have seen with it in practice:
When you give a wayward spouse a deadline (or when you let them know what YOUR deadline is), they will typically remain wayward right up until the last moment, and then they will say or promise ANYTHING to get you to back down. Also, once you threaten to expose, they will usually SELF-expose, and spin it (pronounced "LIE") in such a way to make the betrayed spouse out to be the bad guy.
I'm sorry, I know I'm generalizing, and Breakaway's gonna come and slap me silly, but that's just been my experience. There are certainly pro's and con's to exposure, but once one DOES decide to expose, I think it should be done without warning, for the reasons stated above.
I just would really like to see it avoided if possible. lis's kids are in their teens years....man, they do NOT need this crap during the hormone time of their life. She may "spin it" later but bottom line, lis has proof of what is true and can show them at any time some day in the future if need be. He can explain to his wife why he will need to expose (the Hawaii trip) if she doesn't stop seeing OM. Then, he goes from there.
I just would really like to see it avoided if possible. lis's kids are in their teens years....man, they do NOT need this crap during the hormone time of their life. She may "spin it" later but bottom line, lis has proof of what is true and can show them at any time some day in the future if need be. He can explain to his wife why he will need to expose (the Hawaii trip) if she doesn't stop seeing OM. Then, he goes from there.
Then you've confused me. If he's not willing to back it up, why would he make the threat?
But, I was saying to at least AVOID it because of the reasons I named.
IF he is going to,....then, he can explain to his wife why he feels he needs to expose (trip?) and to give her a chance to stop all that she is doing and recommit. At least give her a chance.
But, like I was saying, unless there is a need, I wouldn't. He has the proof for later if she even spins it around on him. I just hate to see the kids having to deal with this issue at their age. They can understand it, but if they don't have to deal with it right now, it would be for the better. My opinion.
Why not just leave her sorry behind at home? No reason you and the kids couldn't go. Use the same explanation that puppy gave you.
Sorry I am just so mad that WAS get to do whatever they want it seems. I think LBS's should go ahead and do their thing too.
kat
I agree with Kat. Why should the whole family suffer because of your W's actions? That reminds me of when we were in grade school and someone would misbehave and the whole class would get punished. That kind of stuff always seemed crazy to me. Karen
I guess if it was me, I'd wait to tell the kids until after Lost see's how his latest communications to OMW play out. I waited until I was ready to file for divorce before telling the kids because I wanted to spare them the hurt. But once I'd decided to file, there was no way I would lie to them about the reasons. If the kids finding out helped save our marriage, great, but it wasn't the main reason for telling them.
But I will say, if it DOES help save the marriage, it's a da*n sight better than what a divorce does to kids.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
